AdviceB2The best way to keep one's word is not to give it.C
Napoleon BonaparteE 1769-1821
Advice
2It's all right letting yourself go as long as you
can let yourself back.
Mick Jagger
AdviceB+Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis.C
Ralph Waldo EmersonE 1803-1882
Advice
1When walking through a melon patch, don't adjust
your sandals.
Chinese Proverb
AdviceB)Sometimes a fool makes a good suggestion.C
Nicolas BoileauE 1636-1711
Advice
2Good advice is one of those insults that ought to
be forgiven.
Unknown
Advice
5It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a
(question of finding a sickness you like.
Jackie Mason
Advice
5I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's
nothing trivial.
Variously ascribed
Advice
1I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis
and I don't deserve that either.
Jack BennyE 1894-1974
AgingBUYou don't stop laughing because you grow old; you grow old because you stop laughing.C
Michael Pritchard
AgingB
Old age comes at a bad time.C
Sue Banducci
AgingBWAfter a certain age, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you are probably dead.C
Tommy Mein
AgingBIIf you survive long enough, you're revered - rather like an old building.C
Katharine Hepburn
Aging
BuYou know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and wonder what else you can do while you're down there.C
George Burns
AgingBFOld age means realizing you will never own all the dogs you wanted to.C Joe Gores
AgingBVChildren are a great comfort in your old age - and they help you reach it faster, too.C
Lionel Kauffman
AgingB
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is.
Ellen DeGeneris
AgingB/When I was young, the Dead Sea was still alive.C
George Burns
AgingB2[At 88] My health is good; it's my age that's bad.C Ray Acuff
AgingB.An old man in love is like a flower in winter.C
Portuguese Proverb
AgingBUMy parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty, and it was the law.C
Jerry Seinfeld
AgingBKNever ask old people how they are if you have anything else to do that day.C
Joe Restivo
Aging
B1At age fifty, every man has the face he deserves.C
George OrwellE 1903-1950
Aging
1The secret of staying young is to live honestly,
#eat slowly, and lie about your age.
Lucille Ball
AgingB
I am in the prime of senility.C
Joel C. HarrisE 1848-1908
AgingB)I am not young enough to know everything.C
Oscar WildeE 1854-1900
Aging
0The closing years of life are like the end of a
-masquerade party, when the masks are dropped.
Arthur Schopenhauer
E 1788-1860
AgingB
Old age is not for sissies.C
Variously ascribed
Aging
2Old age is when the liver spots show through your
gloves.
Phyllis Diller
Aging
0Old age is like a plane flying through a storm.
1Once you are aboard, there is nothing you can do.
Golda MeirE 1898-1978
Aging
.When I was young there was no respect for the
0young and now that I am old there is no respect
+for the old. I missed out coming and going.
J. B. PriestleyE 1894-1984
Aging
.Middle age begins with the first mortgage and
ends when you drop dead.
C Herb Caen
Aging
.You know you're old when you notice how young
the derelicts are getting.
Jeanne Phillips
Aging
,My grandfather used to make home movies and
edit out the joy.
Richard Lewis
Aging
1I smoke cigars because at my age if I don't have
)something to hang onto I might fall down.
George Burns
Aging
0The hardest years in life are those between ten
and seventy.
Helen Hayes
AgingB+After age seventy it's patch, patch, patch.C
Jimmy Steward
AgingB-You have to be an antique to appreciate them.C
Fay Madigan Lange
*A Airplanes
3If you don't miss a few planes during the year you
'are spending too much time in airports.
Paul C. Martin
+A Airplanes
3It is now possible for a flight attendant to get a
pilot pregnant.
Richard J. Ferris, pres United
Airlines
,A Airplanes
/The odds against there being a bomb on a plane
.are a million to one, and against two bombs a
3million times a million to one. Next time you fly,
cut the odds and take a bomb.
Benny Hill
-A Airplanes
2If God had intended us to fly he would never have
given us railways.
Michael Flanders
.A Airplanes
)There are two kinds of air travel in the
%United States, first class and third
world.
Bobby Slayton
Alcohol
&There is nothing for a case of nerves
like a case of beer.
Joan Goldstein
Alcohol
,Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody
1forgot the corkscrew and for several days we had
&to live on nothing but food and water.
W. C. FieldsE 1880-1946
AlcoholB-Sometimes too much to drink is barely enough.C
Mark TwainE 1835-1910
Alcohol
'Like a camel, I can go without a drink
%for seven days - and have on several
horrible occasions.
C Herb Caen
Alcohol
0My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't
-need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.
Henny Youngman
America
0Most Texans think Hanukkah is some sort of duck
call.
Richard Lewis
America
0Historians have now definitely established that
1Juan Cabrillo, discoverer of California, was not
2looking for Kansas, thus setting a precedent that
continues to this day.
Wayne Shannon
America
-The big cities of America are becoming Third
World countries.
Nora Ephron
America
/New York now leads the world's great cities in
/the number of people around whom you shouldn't
make a sudden move.
David Letterman
America
4It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City
in order to be unhappy.
Groucho Marx
8E 1895-1977
America
1Isn't it nice that people who prefer Los Angeles
to San Francisco live there.
C Herb Caen
America
-San Francisco is like granola: Take away the
2fruits and nuts, and all you have left are flakes.
Unknown
AmericaB)In San Francisco, Halloween in redundant.C
Will Durst
AmericaB)Detroit is Cleveland without the glitter.C
Unknown
America
1When I saw a sign on the freeway that said, "Los
3Angeles 445 miles," I said to myself, "I've got to
get out of this lane."
Franklyn Ajaye
America
+Traffic signals in New York are just rough
guidelines.
David Letterman
America
1I have an existential map. It has "You are here"
written all over it.
Steven Wright
America
0I hate small towns because once you've seen the
.cannon in the park there's nothing else to do.
Lenny BruceE 1923-1966
America
3[Americans] are a race of convicts and ought to be
-thankful for anything we allow them short of
hanging.
Samuel JohnsonE 1709-1784
America
1America is a large friendly dog in a small room.
3Every time it wags its tail it knocks over a chair.
Arnold ToynbeeE 1889-1975
America
3The United States is like the guy at the party who
2gives cocaine to everybody and still nobody likes
Jim Samuels
America
1In America there are two classes of travel-first
and with children.
Robert BenchleyE 1889-1945
America
/On Thanksgiving Day all over America, families
/sit down to dinner at the same moment-halftime.
Unknown
AmericaB&America is a mistake, a giant mistake.C
Sigmund FreudE 1856-1939
AmericaB
Making duplicate copies and computer printouts of things no one wanted even one of in the first place is giving America a new sense of purpose.C
Andrew A. Rooney
AmericaBFAmericans will put up with anything provided it doesn't block traffic.C
Dan Rather
AmericaB
Tips for Americans traveling abroad:
- Carry the Koran
- Paint a red dot on your forehead
- Wear sandals
- Never ask how the Mets are doing.C
Mark Russell
AmericaBAThe shortest distance between two points is usually under repair.C
Unknown
AmericaBdIf all the cars in the United States were placed end to end, it would probably be Labor Day Weekend.C
Doug Larson
AmericaB
Parking is such street sorrow.C Herb Caen
America
AiThe guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. The guy who invented the other three, he was a genius.
Sid Caesar
AmericaBKA hick town is one in which there is no place to go where you shouldn't be.C
Alexander WoollcottE 1887-1943
AmericaBVAll creative people should be required to leave California for three months each year.C
Gloria Swanson
OE 1899-1983
AmericaBiIn some parts of the world, people still pray in the streets. In this country they're called pedestrians.C
Gloria Pitzer
AmericaBANebraska is proof that Hell is full, and the dead walk the earth.C
Liz Winston
AmericaB*You can always tell a Texan, but not much.C
Unknown
AmericaB8Texans are proof that the world was populated by aliens.C
Cynthia Nelms
AmericaBUCanada is the vichyssoise of nations - it's cold, half French, and difficult to stir.
Stuart Keate
AmericaB:I moved to Florida because you don't have to shovel water.C
James "The Amazing" Randi
AmericaB!In Buffalo, suicide is redundant.C
"A Chorus Line"
AmericaBNWhy don't some people just shoot themselves in the head the day they are born?C
Arkady Renko
AmericaBLIn Green Bay, Wisconsin, ten bowling shirts are considered a great wardrobe.C Greg Koch
Animals
-Animals have these advantages over man: they
2never hear the clock strike, they die without any
+idea of death, they have no theologians to
*instruct them, their last moments are not
&disturbed by unwelcome and unpleasant
2ceremonies, their funerals cost them nothing, and
(no one starts lawsuits over their wills.
VoltaireE 1694-1778
Animals
-A boy can learn a lot from a dog: obedience,
.loyalty, and the importance of turning around
three times before lying down.
Robert BenchleyE 1889-1945
Animals
3Man is the only animal that can remain on friendly
2terms with the victims he intends to eat until he
eats them.
Samuel ButlerE 1835-1902
Animals
1Fox hunting is the unspeakable in pursuit of the
inedible.
Oscar WildeE 1854-1900
Animals
0I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards
(who haven't got the guts to bite people
themselves.
August StrindbergE 1849-1912
Animals
3People on horses look better than they are, people
in cars look worse.
Marya Mannes
Animals
.We tolerate shapes in human beings that would
%horrify us if we saw them in a horse.
W. R. IngeE 1860-1954
Animals
.You're a good example of why some animals eat
their young.
[To a heckler]
Jim Samuels
Animals
2Cats are intended to teach us that not everything
in nature has a function.
Garrison Keillor
Animals
1Groundhog Day has been observed only once in Los
/Angeles because when the groundhog came out of
&its hole, it was killed by a mudslide.
Johnny Carson
AnimalsB-Is that a beard, or are you eating a muskrat?C Dr. Gonzo
Animals
To err is human
To purr feline.
Robert Byrne
AnimalsB
It isn't easy being green.C
Kermit the Frog
ApesB0What an ugly beast is the apes, and how like us.C
CiceroE 106-43 BC
1Art, like morality, consists of drawing the line
somewhere.
G. K. ChestertonE 1874-1936
.These is not art to me, all these squares and
2things. Real art has, you know, like a madonna in
Unknown, from
guest book
2I'm glad the old masters are all dead, and I only
wish they had died sooner.
Mark TwainE 1835-1910
ArtB"Give me a museum and I'll fill it.C
Pablo PicassoE 1881-1973
kB<Art is about making something out of nothing and selling it.C
Frank Zappa
I do not seek, I find.C
Pablo PicassoE 1881-1973
ArtB'A thing of beauty is a joy for a while.C
Hal Lee Luyah
ArtB@I am a critic - as essential to the theater as ants to a picnic.C
Joseph L. Mankiewicz
Authors
3Henry James writes fiction as if it were a painful
duty.
Oscar WildeE 1854-1900
AuthorsB)Henry James chews more than he bites off.C
Mrs. Henry AdamsE
c. 1880
Authors
/Henry James was one of the nicest old ladies I
ever met.
William FaulknerE 1897-1962
Authors
/Henry James would have been vastly improved as
*a novelist by a few whiffs of the Chicago
stockyards.
H. L. MenckenE 1880-1956
Authors
/Henry James created more convincing women than
Iris Murdoch put together.
Wilfred Sheed
BabiesB I hate babies. They're so human.C
H. H. Munro (Saki)E 1870-1916
Babies
2The baby was so ugly they had to hang a pork chop
/around its neck to get the dog to play with it.
Unknown
Babies
.My mother didn't breast-feed me. She said she
liked me as a friend.
Rodney Dangerfield
Babies
1It is no wonder that people are so horrible when
they start life as children.
Kingsley Amis
BabiesB!I was toilet-trained at gunpoint.C
Billy Braver
Babies
0Life does not begin at the moment of conception
0or the moment of birth. It begins when the kids
leave home and the dog dies.
Unknown
BabiesB8I'd get pregnant if I could be assured I'd have puppies.C
Cynthia Nelms
BabiesB>Giving birth is like trying to push a piano through a transom.C
Alice Roosevelt LongworthE 1884-1980
BabiesBGWhen I was born I was so surprised I didn't talk for a year and a half.C
Gracie AllenE 1906-1964
Babies
I have never understood the fear of some parents about babies getting mixed up in the hospital. What difference does it make as long as you get a good one?C
Heywood BrounE 1888-1939
BabiesB\A soiled baby with a neglected nose cannot be conscientiously regarded as a thing of beauty.C
Mark TwainE 1835-1910
BabiesB?Babies don't need vacations, but I still see them at the beach.C
Steven Wright
Betting
3It is morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their
money.
"Canada Bill" Jones
BettingB All life is six to five against.C
Damon RunyonE 1884-1946
Betting
0Much as he is opposed to lawbreaking, he is not
bigoted about it.
Damon RunyonE 1884-1946
A Biography
-Every great man has his disciples, and it is
&always Judas who writes the biography.
Oscar WildeE 1854-1900
A BiographyB&Biography lends to death a new terror.C
Oscar WildeE 1854-1900
A Biography
/Autobiography is now as common as adultery and
hardly less reprehensible.
Lord Altrincham
A BiographyB/Autobiography is the last refuse of scoundrels.C
Henry Gray
A Biography
3It's not a bad Idea to get in the habit of writing
3down one's thoughts. It saves one having to bother
anyone else with them.
Isabel Colegate
Birth
*Stop crime at its source! Support Planned
Parenthood.
Robert Byrne
Birth
B&When turkeys mate they think of swans.C
Johnny Carson
Birth
.Except during the nine months before he draws
0his first breath, no man manages his affairs as
well as a tree does.
George Bernard ShawE 1856-1950
Birth
/It is now quite lawful for a Catholic woman to
,avoid pregnancy by a resort to mathematics,
3though she is still forbidden to resort to physics
or chemistry.
H. L. MenckenE 1880-1956
Birth
,Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds,
3there is a woman giving birth to a child. She must
be found and stopped.
Sam LevensonE 1911-1980
Birth
0To enter life by way of the vagina is as good a
way as any.
Henry MillerE 1891-1980
Birth
0I have an intense desire to return to the womb.
Anybody's.
Woody Allen
Birth
-To my embarrassment I was born in bed with a
lady.
Wilson MiznerE 1876-1933
Birth
-My obstetrician was so dumb that when I gave
5birth he forgot to cut the cord. For a year that kid
1followed me everywhere. It was like having a dog
on a leash.
Joan Rivers
BlondesBABlondes have more fun because they're easier to find in the dark.C
Unknown
BlondesBNWhen I was giving birth, the nurse asked, "Still think blondes have more fun?"C
Joan Rivers
BlondesB2It is possible that blondes also prefer gentlemen.C
Mamie Van Doren
Blondes
Gentlemen prefer bonds.C
Andrew MellonE 1855-1937
BooksBA[Book Title] They Tore Out My Heart and Stomped That Sucker Flat.C
Lewis Grizzard
BooksB!There's no thief like a bad book.C
Italian Proverb
BooksB
A big book is a big bore.C
CallimachusE
c 260 BC
BooksB)Never read a book that is not a year old.C
Ralph Waldo EmersonE 1803-1882
Books
+The man who doesn't read good books has no
+advantage over the man who can't read them.
Mark TwainE 1835-1910
Books
1Any ordinary man can...surround himself with two
1thousand books...and thenceforward have at least
2one place in the world in which it is possible to
be happy.
Augustine BirrellE 1850-1933
Books
/I have always imagined that Paradise will be a
kind of library.
Jorge Luis Borges
Books
0Studying literature at Harvard is like learning
about women at the Mayo Clinic.
Roy G. Blount, Jr.
Books
+I wonder how so insupportable a thing as a
0bookseller was ever permitted to grow up in the
-Commonwealth. Many of our modern booksellers
.are but needless excrements, or rather vermin.
George WitherE 1588-1667
Books
,It takes the publishing industry so long to
)produce books it's no wonder so many are
posthumous.
Teressa Skelton
Books
5In every fat book there is a thin book trying to get
Unknown
Books
B}[One shepherd to another] No, I haven't read the New Testament, but I read the Old Testament, and I liked it very, very much.C
New Yorker cartoon
Books
2Your life story would not make a good book. Don't
even try.
Fran Lebowitz
Books
.When a book and a head collide and there is a
)hollow sound, is it always from the book?
Georg Christoph LichtenbergE 1742-1799
Books
0I've given up reading books. I find it takes my
mind off myself.
Oscar LevantE 1906-1972
Books
1Where do I find the time for not reading so many
books?
Karl KrausE 1874-1936
Books
0A person who publishes a book appears willfully
in public with his pants down.
Edna St. Vincent MillayE 1892-1950
Books
0The reason why so few good books are written is
/that so few people who can write know anything.
Walter BagehotE 1826-1877
Books
0The newspaper is the natural enemy of the book,
$as the whore is of the decent woman.
The Goncourt BrothersE
Books
-Manuscript: Something submitted in haste and
returned at leisure.
Oliver HerfordE 1863-1935
Books
3Your manuscript is both good and original, but the
4part that is good is not original and the part that
is original is not good.
Samuel JohnsonE 1709-1784
Books
2Autobiography is an unrivaled vehicle for telling
the truth about other people.
Philip GuedallaE 1889-1944
Books
+A well-written life is almost as rare as a
well-spent one.
Thomas CarlyleE 1795-1881
BooksB'I have read your book and much like it.C
Moses HadasE 1900-1966
Books
0A novel is a piece of prose of a certain length
with something wrong with it.
Unknown
Books
0There are two kinds of books: those that no one
*reads and those that no one ought to read.
H. L. MenckenE 1880-1956
BooksB*The covers of this book are too far apart.C
Ambrose BierceE 1842-1914
Books
0[He] took me into his library and showed me his
&books, of which he had a complete set.
Ring LardnerE 1885-1933
BooksB=Reading this book is like waiting for the first shoe to drop.C
Ralph Novak
Books
B;A book must be an ice ax to break the frozen sea within us.C
Franz KafkaE 1883-1924
Books
AIThe New York Times Book Review is alive with the sound of axes grinding.
Gore Vidal
BooksB/Nine-tenths of all existing books are nonsense.C
Benjamin DisraeliE 1804-1881
BooksBWBooks for general reading always smell bad; the odor of common people hangs about them.C
Friedrich Wilhelm NietzscheE 1844-1900
Books
B8Henry James writes fiction as if it were a painful duty.C
Oscar WildeE 1854-1900
BooksBRI hate books, for they only teach people to talk about what they don't understand.C
Jean-Jacques RousseauE 1712-1778
BooksBEBooks should be tried by a judge and jury as though they were crimes.C
Samuel ButlerE 1835-1902
Books
Has the net effect of the invention of printing been good or bad? I haven't the slightest idea and neither has anyone else. As well ask whether it was a good or a bad plan to give over so much of the world's space to oceans.C
H. L. MenckenE 1880-1956
BooksB9Autobiography is a preemptive strike against biographers.C
Barbara Grizzuti Harrison
BooksB3I haven't read any of the autobiographies about me.C
Liz Taylor
Books
BiI always read the last page of a book first so that if I die before I finish I'll know how it turned out.C
Nora Ephron
BooksBCI'm thirty years old, but I read at the thirty-four-year-old level.C
Dana Carvey
Bores
/A bore is someone who, when you ask him how he
is, tells you.
Variously ascribed
Bores
2Some people stay longer in an hour than others do
in a month.
William Dean HowellsE 1837-1920
Bores
+There are few people who don't become more
#interesting when they stop talking.
Mary Lowry
Bores
-The opposite of talking isn't listening. The
opposite of talking is waiting.
Fran Lebowitz
BusinessBeA holding company is a thing where you hand an accomplice the goods while the policeman searches you.C
Will RogersE 1879-1935
BusinessBaA criminal is a person with predatory instincts without sufficient capital to form a corporation.C
Howard Scott
BusinessBmThe economy of Houston is so bad right now that two prostitutes the police arrested turned out to be virgins.C
Bill Abeel
Capital Punishment BNCapital punishment is our society's recognition of the sanctity of human life.C
Senator Orin Hatch of Utah
'Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't
&get eight cats to pull a sled through
snow.
Jeff Valdez
+Dogs come when they're called; cats take a
message and get back to you.
Missy Dizick
1If a cat spoke, it would say things like "Hey, I
don't see the problem here."
Roy G. Blount, Jr.
,A man who was loved by 300 women singled me
.out to live with him. Why? I was the only one
without a cat.
Elayne Boosler
2I take my pet lion to church every Sunday. He has
to eat.
Marty Pollio
CatsB
Cute rots the intellect.C
Garfield(Jim Davis)
CatsB:Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.C
Steven Wright
CatsBAIt took me an hour to bury the cat, because it would stop moving.C
Monty Python
Children
.I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that
(my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
Joan Rivers
ChildrenB$A child is a curly, dimpled lunatic.C
Ralph Waldo EmersonE 1803-1882
ChildrenB&All children are essentially criminal.C
Denis DiderotE 1713-1784
Children
0A vegetarian is a person who won't eat anything
that can have children.
David Brenner
Children
.When I was a child what I wanted to be when I
grew up was an invalid.
Quentin Crisp
Children
2Children of the poor should work for some part of
)the day when they reach the age of three.
John LockeE 1632-1704
ChildrenB1Of all animals, the boy is the most unmanageable.C
PlatoE
427?-348? BC
Children
-Children are guilty of unpardonable rudeness
,when they spit in the face of a companion.;
)neither are they excusable who spit from
!windows or on walls or furniture.
St. John Baptist de La SalleE
c. 1695
ChildrenB
Thank God kids never mean well.C
Lily Tomlin
Children
2Mothers are fonder than fathers of their children
1because they are more certain they are their own.
C AristotleE
384-322 BC
ChildrenB*Happy is the child whose father died rich.
Proverb
Children
0Reinhart was never his mother's favorite-and he
was an only child.
Thomas Berger
Children
0Nature makes boys and girls lovely to look upon
1so they can be tolerated until they acquire some
sense.
William Lyon PhelpsE 1865-1943
Children
5The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents
$and the second half by our children.
Clarence DarrowE 1857-1938
Children
.Literature is mostly about having sex and not
2much about having children. Life is the other way
around.
David Lodge
Children
3If you have never been hated by your children, you
have never been a parent.
Bette DavisE 1908-1989
Children
1Never raise your hand to your children-it leaves
your midsection unprotected.
Robert Orben
Children
2Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the
national debt.
Herbert HooverE 1874-1964
Children
2The denunciation of the young is a necessary part
4of the hygiene of older people, and greatly assists
in the circulation of the blood.
Logan Pearsall SmithE 1865-1946
Children
/One of the disadvantages of having children is
0that they eventually get old enough to give you
presents they made at school.
Robert Byrne
ChildrenB(Never have children, only grandchildren.C
Gore Vidal
Children
/No matter how old a mother is, she watches her
.middle-aged children for signs of improvement.
Florida Scott-Maxwell
Children
1Youth is such a wonderful thing. What a crime to
waste it on children.
George Bernard ShawE 1856-1950
Children
/Having children is like having a bowling alley
installed in your brain.
Martin Mull
ChildrenB3When childhood dies, its corpses are called adults.C
Brian Aldiss
Children
Adults are obsolete children.C Dr. Seuss
ChildrenB2It's a dull child that knows less than its father.C
Unknown
ChildrenBlBefore I was married I had three theories about raising children. Now I have three children and no theories.C
John Wilmot, Earl of RochesterE 1647-1680
ChildrenBdWhen my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out.C
Erma Bombeck
ChildrenB8My children love me. I'm like the mother they never had.
Roseanne Barr
ChildrenBaThe highlight of my childhood was making my brother laugh so hard that food came out of his nose.C
Garrison Keillor
ChildrenBIWe had a quicksand box in our back yard. I was an only child, eventually.C
Steven Wright
ChildrenB+I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.C
Emo Philips
ChildrenBRAs parents, my wife and I have one thing in common. We're both afraid of children.C
Bill Cosby
Children
My father was frightened of his father, I was frightened of my father, and I am damned well going to see to it that my children are frightened of me.C
King George VE 1865-1936
ChildrenB
If a child shows himself to be incorrigible, he should be decently and quietly beheaded at the age of twelve lest he grow to maturity, marry, and perpetuate his kind.C
Don MarquisE 1878-1937
ChildrenBEI reached puberty at age thirty. At age twelve I looked like a fetus.C
Dave Barry
Children
AEMy niece was in The Glass Menagerie at school. They used Tupperware.
Cathy Ladman
ChildrenB]Reasoning with a child is fine if you can reach a child's reason without destroying your own.C
John Mason BrownE 1900-1969
ChildrenBOThere is nothing wrong with teenagers that reasoning with them won't aggravate.C
Unknown
ChildrenBHIf Abraham's son had been a teenager, it wouldn't have been a sacrifice.
Scott Spendlove
ChildrenB;If you want to recapture your youth, cut off his allowance.C
Al Bernstein
ChildrenBjAnybody who has survived his childhood has enough information about life to last him the rest of his days.C
Flannery O'ConnorE 1925-1964
ChildrenB<Ask your child what he wants for dinner only if he's buying.C
Fran Lebowitz
ChildrenBjIf you must hold yourself up to your children, hold yourself up as an object lesson and not as an example.C
George Bernard Shaw
E 1856-1950
ChildrenBCMy parents were too poor to have children, so the neighbors had me.C
Buddy Hackett
ChildrenBMHave children while your parents are still young enough to take care of them.C
Rita Rudner
ChildrenB{Children despise their parents until the age of forty, when they suddenly become just like the, thus preserving the system.C
Quentin Crewe
Children
)An ugly baby is a very nasty object, and
the prettiest is frightful when
undressed.
Queen VictoriaE 1819-1901
Children
1What is more enchanting than the voices of young
)people when you can't hear what they say?
Logan Pearsall SmithE 1865-1946
Children
.At my lemonade stand I used to give the first
0glass away free and charge five dollars for the
0second glass. The refill contained the antidote.
Emo Philips
Children
0When you are eight years old, nothing is any of
your business.
Lenny BruceE 1923-1966
Children
1What is youth except a man or woman before it is
fit to be seen.
Evelyn WaughE 1903-1966
Children
-My eleven-year-old daughter mopes around the
.house all day waiting for her breasts to grow.
Bill Cosby
ChildrenB1If you're not beguiling by age twelve, forget it.C
Lucy Van Pelt
Children
3I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the
barn and do nothing.
Johnny Carson
Children
0My schoolmates would make love to anything that
+moved, but I never saw any reason to limit
myself.
Emo Philips
Children
2I almost got a girl pregnant in high school. It's
.costing me a fortune to keep the rabbit on a
life-support system.
Will Shriner
Children
1The trouble with the 1980's as compared with the
31970's is that teenagers no longer rebel and leave
home.
Marion Smith
Children
3Learning to dislike children at an early age saves
/a lot of expense and aggravation later in life.
Robert Byrne
Children
-Adolescence is the stage between infancy and
adultery.
Unknown
Classics
/The remarkable thing about Shakespeare is that
3he really is very good, in spite of all the people
who say he is very good.
Robert Graves
Classics
,[Shakespeare is]Crude, immoral, vulgar, and
senseless.
Tolstoy
E 1882-1920
Classics
/I know not, sir, whether Bacon wrote the works
1of Shakespeare, but if he did not it seems to me
+that he missed the opportunity of his life.
J. M. BarrieE 1860-1937
Classics
-If Shakespeare had been in pro basketball he
'never would have had time to write his
2soliloquies. He would always have been on a plane
between Phoenix and Kansas City.
Paul Westhead, basketball
coach
Classics
2A team is a team is a team. Shakespeare said that
many times.
Dan Devine, football coach
Clothes
*Distrust any enterprise that requires new
clothes.
Henry David ThoreauE 1817-1862
ClothesB
Fashions are induced epidemics.C
George Bernard ShawE 1856-1950
Clothes
2You'd be surprised how much it costs to look this
cheap.
Dolly Parton
Clothes
0There is a new awareness of style in the Soviet
/Union. The premier's wife recently appeared on
the cover of "House and Tractor"
Johnny Carson
Clothes
0I should warn you that underneath these clothes
/I'm wearing boxer shorts and I know how to use
them.
Robert Orben
Clothes
+What you have when everyone wears the same
/playclothes for all occasions, is addressed by
.nickname, expected to participate in Show and
4Tell, and bullied out of any desire for privacy, is
"not democracy; it is kindergarten.
Miss Manners (Judith Martin)
Clothes
/Being named as one of the world's best-dressed
-men doesn't necessarily mean that I am a bad
person.
Anthony R. Cucci
Crime
$Organized crime in America takes in
&over forty billion dollars a year and
&spends very little on office supplies.
Woody Allen
CrimeB*Getting caught is the mother of invention.C
Robert Byrne
Crime
+Capital punishment is either an affront to
&humanity or a potential parking space.
Larry Brown
Crime
4I believe that people would be alive today if there
was a death penalty.
Nancy Reagan
Crime
2There is never enough time, unless you're serving
Malcolm Forbes
CriticsB3Book reviewers are little old ladies of both sexes.C
John O'HaraE 1905-1970
Critics
1Any reviewer who expresses rage and loathing for
4a novel is preposterous. He or she is like a person
-who has put on full armor and attacked a hot
fudge sundae.
Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.
Critics
2People who like this sort of thing will find this
the sort of thing they like.
Abraham LincolnE 1809-1865
Critics
0A bad review is like baking a cake with all the
.best ingredients and having someone sit on it.
Danielle Steel
CriticsB&Criticism is prejudice made plausible.C
H. L. Mencken
E 1880-1956
CriticsB%Praise and criticism are both frauds.C
Unknown
Critics
2I am sitting in the smallest room in the house. I
1have your review in front of me. Soon it will be
behind me.
C Max RegerE 1873-1916
Cynicism
/Idealism is what precedes experience; cynicism
is what follows.
David T. Wolf
CynicismB+The cynics are right nine times out of ten.C
H. L. MenckenE 1880-1956
Cynicism
3No matter how cynical you get, it is impossible to
keep up.
Lily Tomlin
Cynicism
-When there are two conflicting versions of a
0story, the wise course is to believe the one in
#which people appear at their worst.
H. Allen SmithE 1906-1976
CynicismB)Half the people in America are faking it.C
Robert Mitchum
CynicismB&Ignorance is the mother of admiration.C
George ChapmanE
1599?-1634
Cynicism
*I was going to buy a copy of The Power of
0Positive Thinking, and then I thought: What the
hell good would that do?
Ronnie Shakes
Cynicism
*Nothing matters very much, and few things
matter at all
Arthur BalfourE 1848-1930
CynicismB,Doing a thing well is often a waste of time.C
Robert Byrne
Death
3There is no cure for birth and death save to enjoy
the interval.
George SantayanaE 1863-1952
Death
3Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at
/a funeral? It is because we are not the person
involved.
Mark TwainE 1835-1910
Death
4The cost of living is going up and chance of living
is going down.
Flip Wilson
DeathB0Is life worth living? That depends on the liver.C
Unknown
Death
3Dying is one of the few things that can be done as
easily lying down.
Woody Allen
Death
5I'm not afraid to die. I just don't want to be there
when it happens.
Woody Allen
Death
4Perhaps there is no life after death...there's just
Los Angeles.
Rich Anderson
DeathB(Death is nature's way of saying "Howdy."C
Unknown
DeathB%The best way to get praise is to die.C
Italian Proverb
Death
0There is no such thing as inner peace. There is
only nervousness and death.
Fran Lebowitz
Death
6B In the long run we are all dead.C
John Maynard KeynesE 1883-1946
Death
/The patient is not likely to recover who makes
the doctor his heir.
Thomas Fuller E 1608-1661
Death
0After I'm dead I'd rather have people ask why I
%have no monument than why I have one.
Cato the ElderE
234-149 BC
Death
0For three days after death hair and fingernails
+continue to grow but phone calls taper off.
Johnny Carson
Death
,I wonder if anybody ever reached the age of
.thirty-five in New England without wanting to
kill himself.
Barrett WendellE 1855-1921
Death
.When you don't have any money, the problem is
.food. When you have money, it's sex. When you
0have both, it's health. If everything is simply
&jake, then you're frightened of death.
J. P. Donleavy
Death
2Most people would sooner die than think; in fact,
they do so.
Bertrand Russell
<E 1872-1970
Death
-Early one June morning in 1872 I murdered my
0father - an act which made a deep impression on
me at the time.
Ambrose BierceE 1842-1914
Death
A Curse:
/May your soul be forever tormented by fire and
1your bones be dug up by dogs and dragged through
the streets of Minneapolis.
Garrison Keillor
DeathB+Death is just a distant rumor to the young.C
Andrew A. Rooney
Death
0They say such nice things about people at their
2funerals that it makes me sad to realize that I'm
&going to miss mine by just a few days.
Garrison Keillor
DeathB.Requested Epitaph: Big deal! I'm used to dust.C
Erma Bombeck
Death
4There is no reason for me to die. I already died in
Altoona.
George Burns
Death
1I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex,
3and rich food. He was healthy right up to the time
he killed himself.
Johnny Carson
Death
&The only thing wrong with immortality
#is that it tends to go one forever.
C Herb Caen
Death
0There will be sex after death; we just won't be
able to feel it.
Lily Tomlin
Death
1Dying ought to be done in black and white. It is
simply not a colorful activity.
Russell Baker
Death
-What Einstein was to physics, what Babe Ruth
/was to home runs, what Emily Post was to table
0manners...that's what Edward G. Robinson was to
dying like a dirty rat.
Russell Baker
DeathB-The graveyards are full of indispensable men.C
Charles de GaulleE 1890-1970
Death
2There are more dead people than living, and their
numbers are increasing.
Eugene Ionesco
Death
/Defeat is worse than death because you have to
live with defeat.
Bill Musselman
Death
0The executioner is, I hear, very expert, and my
neck is very slender.
Anne BoleynE
1507?-1536
Death
,I didn't know he was dead; I thought he was
British.
Unknown
Death
0I believe in sex and death-two experiences that
come once in a lifetime.
Woody Allen
Death
0There are worse things in life than death. Have
,you ever spent an evening with an insurance
salesman?
Woody Allen
Death
Go away. I'm all right.
[Last words.]
H. G. WellsE 1885-1946
DeathB3Death is not the end; there remains the litigation.C
Ambrose BierceE 1842-1914
DeathBCIf you don't go to other people's funerals, they won't go to yours.C
Unknown
DeathB7Death is nature's way of saying, "Your table is ready."C
Robin Williams
Death
AXGrave, n. A place in which the dead are laid to await the coming of the medical student.
Ambrose BierceE 1842-1914
DeathB^The old neighborhood has changed. Hurley Brothers Funeral Home is now called Death 'n' Things.C
Elmore Leonard
DeathB
No matter how rich you become, how famous or powerful, when you die the size of your funeral will still pretty much depend on the weather.C
Michael Pritchard
DeathB<Death sneaks up on you like a windshield sneaks up on a bug.C
Unknown
Death
WBcThe wages of sin are death, but by the time taxes are taken out, it's just sort of a tired feeling.C
Paula Poundstone
DeathBr[Alleged Last Words] Get out of here and leave me alone. Last words are for fools who haven't said enough already.C Karl MarxE 1818-1883
DeathB
Errol Flynn died on a seventy-foot yacht with a seventeen-year-old girl. Walter's always wanted to go that way, but he's going to settle for a seventeen-footer and a seventy-year-old.C
Mrs. Walter Cronkite
DeathB
I don't want to achieve immortality by being inducted into baseball's Hall of Fame. I want to achieve immortality by not dying.C
Leo Durocher
DeathBRLAST WILL AND TESTAMENT:
I owe much, I have nothing, the rest I leave to the poor.C
ois RabelaisE 1494-1553
DeathB'Exercise daily. Eat wisely. Die anyway.C
Unknown
Definition
-Man: An animal [whose]...chief occupation is
+extermination of other animals and his own
.species, which, however, multiplies with such
*insistent rapidity as to infest the whole
habitable earth and Canada.
Ambrose BierceE 1842-1914
Definition
(Woman: An animal...having a rudimentary
1susceptibility to domestication...The species is
-the most widely distributed of all beasts of
1prey...The woman is omnivorous and can be taught
not to talk.
Ambrose BierceE 1842-1914
Definition
2Cabbage: A...vegetable about as large and wise as
a man's head.
Ambrose BierceE 1842-1914
Definition
-Memorial Service: Farewell party for someone
who has already left.
Robert Byrne
Definition
0Eunuch: A Man who has had his works cut out for
Robert Byrne
DefinitionB
I hate definitions.C
Benjamin DisraeliE 1804-1881
cA DiplomacyB;Diplomacy is the art of letting someone else have your way.C
Unknown
Divorce
dB%Divorce is the sacrament of adultery.C
French Proverb
Divorce
1What scares me about divorce is that my children
)might put me in a home for unwed mothers.
Teressa Skelton
DivorceB
Take my wife...please.C
Henny Youngman
DivorceB$Divorce is a game played by lawyers.C
Cary Grant
Divorce
1She cried, and the judge wiped her tears with my
checkbook.
Tommy ManvilleE 1894-1967
Divorce
I can't mate in captivity.
[On why she never married]
Gloria Steinem
DivorceB)It wasn't exactly a divorce-I was traded.C
Tim Conway
Divorce
0You don't know anything about a woman until you
meet her in court.
Norman Mailer
Divorce
.I'm very old-fashioned. I believe that people
2should marry for life, like pigeons and Catholics.
Woody Allen
Divorce
4Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you
take it out, you lose interest.
Professor Irwin Corey
Doctors
2My doctor gave me two weeks to live. I hope their
in August.
Ronnie Shakes
Doctors
1The trouble with heart disease is that the first
1symptom is often hard to deal with: sudden death.
Michael Phelps, MD
Doctors
One of my problems is that I
(internalize everything. I can't express
anger; I grow a tumor instead.
Woody Allen
Doctors
1A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who
has never owned a car.
Carrie Snow
Doctors
1After a year in therapy, my psychiatrist said to
$me, "Maybe life isn't for everyone."
Larry Brown
DoctorsB
Half of analysis is anal.C
Marty Indik
Doctors
0Why should I tolerate a perfect stranger at the
bedside of my mind?
Vladimir NabokovE 1899-1977
Doctors
2People who say you're just as old as you feel are
all wrong, fortunately.
Russell Baker
Doctors
/To reduce stress, avoid excitement. Spend more
time with your spouse.
Robert Orben
Doctors
3Nancy Reagan has agreed to be the first artificial
heart donor.
Andrea C. Michaels
Doctors
2Be true to your teeth or your teeth will be false
to you.
Dental Proverb
Doctors
)You're ugly. Not only that, but you need
a root canal.
James J. Garrett, DDS
DoctorsB1Attention to health is life's greatest hindrance.C
PlatoE
427?-348? BC
Doctors
.Never go to a doctor whose office plants have
died.
Erma Bombeck
Doctors
,Three out of four doctors recommend another
doctor.
Graffito
Doctors
0I suppose one has greater sense of intellectual
2degradation after an interview with a doctor than
from any human experience.
Alice JamesE 1848-1892
Doctors
~B%A young doctor means a new graveyard.C
German Proverb
Doctors
2I'm going to Boston to see my doctor. He's a very
sick man.
Fred AllenE 1894-1956
Doctors
&People who take cold baths never have
%rheumatism, but they have cold baths.
Unknown
Doctors
2His ideas of first-aid stopped short of squirting
soda water.
P. G. WodehouseE 1881-1975
Doctors
0Before undergoing a surgical operation, arrange
$your temporal affairs. You may live.
Ambrose BierceE 1842-1914
Drinking
3Drunkenness is the ruin of reason. It is premature
old age. It is temporary death.
C St. BasilE 330?-379?
DrinkingB
I drink no more than a sponge.C
RabelaisE 1494-1553
DrinkingB-They talk of my drinking but never my thirst.C
Scottish Proverb
Drinking
1A drinker has a hole under his nose that all his
money runs into.
Thomas FullerE 1608-1661
Drinking
1'Twas a woman who drove me to drink, and I never
%had the courtesy to thank her for it.
W. C. FieldsE 1880-1946
Drinking
2An Irishman is the only man in the world who will
/step over the bodies of a dozen naked women to
get to a bottle of stout.
Unknown
DrinkingB*One more drink and I'll be under the host.C
Dorothy ParkerE 1893-1967
DrinkingB.I drink to make other people more interesting.C
George Jean NathanE 1882-1958
Drinking
B,Inflation has gone up over a dollar a quart.C
W. C. FieldsE 1880-1946
Drinking
2Even though a number of people have tried, no one
*has yet found a way to drink for a living.
C Jean Kerr
Drinking
.I haven't touched a drop of alcohol since the
invention of the funnel.
Malachy McCourt
Drinking
3The less I behave like Whistler's mother the night
3before, the more I look like her the morning after.
Tallulah BankheadE 1903-1968
Drinking
0One reason I don't drink is that I want to know
when I am having a good time.
Nancy, Lady AstorE 1879-1964
Drinking
4I'd rather have a free bottle in front of me than a
prefrontal lobotomy.
C Tom Waits
Drinking
0I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or
2insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for
Hunter S. Thompson
DrinkingB+If you drink, don't drive. Don't even putt.C
Dean Martin
DrinkingB%Beware of the man who does not drink.C
Proverb
DrinkingB0Water, taken in moderation, cannot hurt anybody.C
Mark TwainE 1835-1910
DrinkingB,A productive drunk is the bane of moralists.C
Unknown
DrinkingB!Come quickly, I am tasting stars!C
Dom PerignonE 1638-1715
Drinking
,The worst thing about some men is that when
#they are not drunk, they are sober.
William Butler YeatsE 1865-1939
Drinking
3An Irishman is not drunk as long as he still has a
blade of grass to hang onto.
Unknown
Drinking
1Alcohol is the anesthesia by which we endure the
operation of life.
George Bernard ShawE 1856-1950
Drinking
2To drink is a Christian diversion, unknown to the
Turk or the Persian.
William CongreveE 1670-1729
Drinking
3An alcohol is is someone you don't like who drinks
as much as you do.
Dylan ThomasE 1914-1953
Drinking
4I can't die until the government finds a safe place
to bury my liver.
Phil Harris
Drinking
,My uncle was the town drunk-and we lived in
Chicago.
George Gobel
Drinking
+I've never been drunk, but often I've been
overserved.
George Gobel
DrinkingB'Somebody left the cork out of my lunch.C
W. C. FieldsE 1880-1946
Drinking
0I have to think hard to name an interesting man
who does not drink.
Richard Burton
DrinkingB%I always wake up at the crack of ice.C
Joe E. LewisE 1902-1971
A EducationB3If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.C Derek Bok
A Education
.I'm for bringing back the birch, but only for
consenting adults.
Gore Vidal
A Education
1Education is the process of casting false pearls
before real swine.
Irwin EdmanE 1896-1954
A Education
,Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and
three-fourths theatre.
Gail Godwin
A Education
2University politics are vicious precisely because
the stakes are so small.
Henry Kissinger
EnglandBCThe trouble with England is that it's all pomp and no circumstance.C
"Beat the Devil"E
Exercise
3The only reason I would take up jogging is so that
#I could hear heavy breathing again.
Erma Bombeck
ExerciseB(I don't jog. If I die I want to be sick.C
Abe Lemons
Exercise
/It was such a primitive country we didn't even
see any joggers.
Hamilton cartoon
Exercise
/Be careful about reading health books. You may
die of a misprint.
Mark TwainE 1835-1910
Exercise
1Old people shouldn't eat health foods. They need
#all the preservatives they can get.
Robert Orben
ExerciseB
A closed mouth gathers no feet.C
Unknown
Faith
0Everyone should believe in something; I believe
I'll have another drink.
Variously ascribed
Faith
2Under certain circumstances, profanity provides a
relief denied even to prayer.
Mark TwainE 1835-1910
Faith
/The trouble with born-again Christians is that
-they are an even bigger pain the second time
around.
C Herb Caen
Faith
/I'm astounded by people who want to "know" the
0universe when it's hard enough to find your way
around Chinatown.
Woody Allen
Faith
0It is better to know some of the questions than
all of the answers.
James ThurberE 1894-1961
Faith
4It is only possible to live happily ever after on a
day to day basis.
Margaret Bonnano
Faith
1I have a new philosophy. I'm only going to dread
one day at a time.
Charles Schultz
FameB3You're not famous until my mother has heard of you.C
Jay Leno
B`The nice thing about being a celebrity is that, if you bore people, they think it's their fault.C
Henry Kissinger
FameBHA celebrity is a person known to many people he is glad he doesn't know.C
H. L. MenckenE 1880-1956
FameB[They want me on all the television shows now because I did so well on "Celebrity Assholes."C
Steve Martin
FameB]People hate me because I am a multifaceted, talented, wealthy, internationally famous genius.C
Jerry Lewis
B:In her last days, Gertrude Stein resembled a spoiled pear.C
Gore Vidal
FameBBI don't like Diane Keaton anymore. She's had way too much therapy.C
Patricia Wentz-Daly
FameB"Every hero becomes a bore at last.C
Ralph Waldo EmersonE 1803-1882
FamilyBHSetting a good example for children takes all the fun out of middle age.C
William Feather
FamilyB3There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.C
Jerry Seinfeld
Family
B`In order to influence a child, one must be careful not to be that child's parent or grandparent.C
Don MarquisE 1878-1937
FamilyB?The time not to become a father is eighteen years before a war.C
E. B. WhiteE 1899-1985
FamilyB7A married man with a family will do anything for money.C&Charles Maurice de Talleyrand-PerigordE 1754-1838
FamilyBtTo be a successful father, there's one absolute rule: When you have a kid, don't look at it for the first two years.C
Ernest Hemingway
E 1899-1961
FamilyBUYou should have seen what a fine-looking man he was before he had all those children.C
Arapesh tribesman
FamilyB?Parenthood remains the greatest single preserve of the amateur.C
Alvin TofflerE
c 1971
FamilyBAIt behooves a father to be blameless if he expects his son to be.C
HomerE c 1000 BC
FamilyBtAny father whose son raises his hand against him is guilty of having produced a son who raised his hand against him.C
Charles P
guyE 1873-1914
Family
BDParents are not interested in justice, they are interested in quiet.C
Bill Cosby
FamilyBRMy parents only had one argument in forty-five years. It lasted forty-three years.C
Cathy Ladman
FamilyBmMy parents have been visiting me for a few days. I just dropped them off at the airport. They leave tomorrow.C
Margaret "Stevie" SmithE 1902-1971
Fashion
2Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that
%we have to alter it every six months.
Oscar WildeE 1854-1900
Fashion
2If you look good and dress well, you don't need a
purpose in life.
Robert Pante
Fashion
0Every generation laughs at the old fashions but
religiously follow the new.
Henry David ThoreauE 1817-1862
FashionB-I base my fashion taste on what doesn't itch.C
Gilda Radner
.When Emperor Constantine turned Christian, he
.banned the eating of sausage, which of course
,immediately created a whole army of sausage
*bootleggers and may explain why Al Capone
always looked like a sausage.
Donald E. Westlake
1A louse in the cabbage is better than no meat at
Pennsylvania Dutch Proverb
0The food in Yugoslavia is fine if you like pork
tartar.
Ed Begley, Jr.
,Eating an artichoke is like getting to know
someone really well.
Willi Hastings
0I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead-not
sick, not wounded-dead.
Woody Allen
1Only Irish coffee provided in a single glass all
/four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine,
sugar, and fat.
Alex Levine
/Cognito ergo dim sum. (Therefore I think these
are pork buns.)
Robert Byrne
(Anybody who doesn't think that the best
1hamburger place in the world is in his home town
is a sissy.
Calvin Trillin
/You can find your was across the country using
0hamburger joints the way a navigator uses stars.
Charles Kuralt
0Part of the secret of success in life is to eat
3what you like and let the food fight it out inside.
Mark TwainE 1835-1910
3We didn't starve, but we didn't eat chicken unless
!we were sick, or the chicken was.
Bernard MalamudE 1914-1986
FoodB)In Mexico we have a name for sushi: bait.C
Jose Simon
B&Everything you see I owe to spaghetti.C
Sophia Loren
@)If you want to look young and thin, hang
around old fat people.
C Jim Eason
,The cherry tomato is a marvelous invention,
0producing as it does a satisfactorily explosive
squish when bitten.
Miss Manners (Judith Martin)
.I prefer Hostess fruit pies to pop-up toaster
1tarts because they don't require so much cooking.
Carrie Snow
You are where you eat.C
Unknown
/No diet will remove all the fat from your body
3because the brain is entirely fat. Without a brain
1you might look good, but all you could do is run
for public office.
Covert Bailey
FoodB4I can get along with anybody...provided they're fat.C
Susan Richman
-Anybody who believes that the way to a man's
/heart is through his stomach flunked geography.
Robert Byrne
B&The waist is a terrible thing to mind.C
Ziggy(Tom Wilson)
(I have learned to spell hors d'oeuvres,
#Which grate on many people's nerves
Unknown
2The trouble with eating Italian food is that five
&or six days later you're hungry again.
George Miller
FoodB0There is no love sincerer than the love of food.C
George Bernard ShawE 1856-1950
/Statistics show that of those who contract the
"habit of eating, very few survive.
Wallace IrwinE 1875-1959
2Marriage is not merely sharing the fettucini, but
,sharing the burden of finding the fettucini
restaurant in the first place.
Calvin Trillin
2My wife and I tried to breakfast together, but we
,had to stop or our marriage would have been
wrecked.
Winston ChurchillE 1874-1965
To eat is human
To digest divine.
Mark TwainE 1835-1910
FoodB(The most dangerous food is wedding cake.C
American Proverb
/Roumanian-Yiddish cooking has killed more Jews
than Hitler.
Zero MostelE 1915-1977
FoodB/I believe that eating pork makes people stupid.C
David Steinberg
.Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow we may
diet.
Unknown
1When men reach their sixties and retire, they go
%to pieces. Women go right on cooking.
Gail Sheehy
4I've been on a diet for two weeks and all I've lost
is two weeks.
Totie FieldsE 1931-1978
FoodB/I'm on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it.C
Variously ascribed
FoodB.Eat as much as you like-just don't swallow it.C
Steve Burns
+Put a pot of chili on the stove to simmer.
.Let it simmer. Meanwhile, broil a good steak.
/Eat the steak. Let the chili simmer. Ignore it.
Allan Shivers
1The two biggest sellers in any bookstore are the
1cookbooks and the diet books. The cookbooks tell
/you how to prepare the food and the diet books
"tell you how not to eat any of it.
Andrew A. Rooney
3It's so beautifully arranged on the plate-you know
)someone's fingers have been all over it.
[On nouvelle cuisine]
Julia Child
0A gourmet who thinks of calories is like a tart
who looks at her watch.
James Beard
FoodB Where do you go to get anorexia?C
Shelley Winters
/Nachman's Rule: When it comes to foreign food,
the less authentic the better.
Gerald Nachman
FoodB(I eat merely to put food out of my mind.C
N. F. Simpson
0Isn't there any other part of the matzo you can
Marilyn MonroeE 1926-1962
0A gourmet restaurant in Cincinnati is one where
.you leave the tray on the table after you eat.
Unknown
.When compelled to cook, I produce a meal that
!would make a sword swallower gag.
Russell Baker
+Poets have been mysteriously silent on the
subject of cheese.
G. K. ChestertonE 1874-1936
.I don't even butter my bread. I consider that
cooking.
Katherine Cebrian
FoodB&Life is too short to stuff a mushroom.C
Storm Jameson
-The most remarkable thing about my mother is
,that for thirty years she served the family
3nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never
been found.
Calvin Trillin
1I'm in favor of liberalizing immigration because
4of the effect it would have on restaurants. I'd let
+just about everybody in except the English.
Calvin Trillin
FoodB(No man is lonely while eating spaghetti.C
Robert Morley
I prefer my oysters fried;
That way I know my oysters died.
Roy G. Blount, Jr.
FoodB@I no longer prepare food or drink with more than one ingredient.C
Cyra McFadden
FoodB*Eternity is two people and a roast turkey.C
James Dent
FoodB
I refuse to spend my life worrying about what I eat. There is no pleasure worth forgoing just for an extra three years in the geriatric ward.C
John Mortimer
FoodB}I asked the clothing store clerk if she had anything to make me look thinner, and she said, "How about a week in Bangladesh?"
Roseanne Barr
FoodB"Diets are mainly food for thought.C
N. Wylie Jones
FoodB,Avoid fruits and nuts. You are what you eat.C
Garfield (Jim Davis)
FoodB:I'm on a grapefruit diet. I eat everything but grapefruit.C
Chi Chi Rodrigues
FoodBYIn two decades I've lost a total of 789 pound. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.C
Erma Bombeck
FoodB5[Fortune Cookie] Your request for no MSG was ignored.C
Merla Zellerbach
BLA vegetarian is a person who won't eat meat unless someone else pays for it.C
FoodBTI'm not a vegetarian because I love animals; I'm a vegetarian because I hate plants.C
A. Whitney Brown
FoodBVNever order anything in a vegetarian restaurant that ordinarily would have meat in it.C
Colonel Tom Parker
FoodB#Where's there smoke, there's toast.C
Unknown
BUNever eat anything whose listed ingredients cover more than one-third of the package.C
Joseph Leonard
FoodB'I don't eat snails. I prefer fast food.C
Strange de Jim
FoodBEIt's okay to be fat. So you're fat. Just be fat and shut up about it.C
Roseanne Barr
FoodB
Come in, or we'll both starve.C
Restaurant Sign
FoodB&I hate to eat and eat and eat and run.C
Neila Ross
FoodB2Some people like to eat octopus. Liberals, mostly.C
Russell Baker
BiDo not make a stingy sandwich
Pile the cold-cuts high
Customers should see salami
Coming through the rye.C
Allan ShermanE 1924-1973
FoodB?Plant carrots in January, and you'll never have to eat carrots.C
Unknown
FoodB?Ask not what you can do for your country, ask what's for lunch.C
Orson WellesE 1915-1985
FoodBZContinental breakfasts are very sparse. My advice is to go right to lunch without pausing.C
Miss Piggy
FoodB
Miss Piggy is a boar.C
Ed Lucaire
BJThe key to a successful restaurant is dressing girls in degrading clothes.C
Michael O'Donoghue
FoodB\The food in Yugoslavia is either very good or very bad. One day they served us fried chains.C
Mel Brooks
A GentilityB5Gentiles are people who eat mayonnaise for no reason.C
Robin Williams
-Man is certainly stark mad. He cannot make a
,worm, and yet he will be making gods by the
dozen.
C MontaigneE 1553-1592
0The good Lord never gives you more than you can
$handle. Unless you die of something.
Guindon cartoon
1If I had been the Virgin Mary, I would have said
"No."
Margaret "Stevie" SmithE 1902-1971
God and the UniverseB'God created man, but I could do better.C
Erma Bombeck
God and the UniverseB(If there is a supreme being, he's crazy.C
Marlene Dietrich
God and the Universe
$BbOnly two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.C
Albert EinsteinE 1879-1955
God and the UniverseBVWe are here on earth to do good to others. What the others are here for, I don't know.C
W. H. AudenE 1907-1973
God and the UniverseB?I don't know, I don't care, and it doesn't make any difference.C
Jack KerouacE 1922-1969
God and the Universe
'BdThe Vatican is against surrogate mothers. Good thing they didn't have that rule when Jesus was born.C
Elayne Boosler
God and the UniverseBDA difference of opinion is what makes horse racing and missionaries.C
Will RogersE 1879-1935
God and the UniverseB2Do television evangelists do more than lay people?C
Stanley Ralph Ross
God and the UniverseB
Sin is geographical.C
Bertrand RussellE 1872-1970
Government
1If it were not for the government, we would have
nothing to laugh at in France.
Nicolas ChamfortE 1741-1794
Government
.Every decent man is ashamed of the government
he lives under.
H. L. MenckenE 1880-1956
Government
2It has been said that democracy is the worst form
.of government except all the others that have
been tried.
Winston ChurchillE 1874-1965
Government
.Get all the fools on your side and you can be
elected to anything.
Frank Dane
Government
/B3If voting changed anything, they'd make it illegal.C
Unknown
GovernmentB
Vote early and vote often.C Al CaponeE 1899-1947
Government
1Ninety percent of the politicians give the other
ten percent a bad reputation.
Henry Kissinger
GovernmentB
Politics is applesauce.C
Will RogersE 1879-1935
Government
/I might have gone to West Point, but I was too
proud to speak to a congressman.
Will RogersE 1879-1935
Government
.An ambassador is an honest man sent abroad to
lie for his country.
Sir Henry WottonE 1568-1639
HairB=I don't consider myself bald. I'm simply taller than my hair.C Tom Sharp
HairB)You're only as good as your last haircut.C Susan Lee
7A Happiness
)Happiness is a Chinese meal; sorrow is a
nourishment forever.
Carolyn Kizer
8A Happiness
1There is no happiness; there are only moments of
happiness.
Spanish Proverb
9A Happiness
4I am kind of paranoid in reverse. I suspect people
are plotting to make me happy.
J. D. Salinger
:A Happiness
-Happiness is having a large, loving, caring,
"close-knit family in another city.
George Burns
Health
2As for me, except for an occasional heart attack,
I feel as young as I ever did.
Robert BenchleyE 1889-1945
Health
/I get my exercise acting as a pallbearer to my
friends who exercise.
Chauncey DepewE 1834-1928
HealthB
Avoid running at all time.C
Satchel PaigeE
1906?-1982
Health
.It is more profitable for your congressman to
,support the tobacco industry than your life.
Jackie Mason
Health
(Smoking is one of the leading causes of
statistics.
Fletcher Knebel
HealthB/Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away.C
Robert Orben
Health
.Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday,
$lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
C Redd Foxx
HealthB8Good health makes the practice of virtue more difficult.C
John BunyanE 1628-1688
HealthB9If you don't take care of your body, where will you live?C
Unknown
HealthB6Your medical tests are in. You're short, fat and bald.C
Ziggy (Tom Wilson)
HealthB0How can I get sick? I've already had everything.C
George Burns
HealthBWWhen I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch up my X-rays.
Henny Youngman
HealthBGI quit therapy because my analyst was trying to help me behind my back.C
Richard Lewis
HealthBDThe art of medicine, like that of war, is murderous and conjectural.C
VoltaireE 1694-1778
HealthB
Winston Churchill's habit of guzzling a quart or two a day of good cognac is what saved civilization from the Luftwaffe, Hegelian logic, Wagnerian love-deaths, and potato pancakes.C
Charles McCabeE 1915-1983
Health
I feel sorry for people who don't drink, because when they get up in the morning, they're not going to feel any better all day.C
Frank Sinatra
HealthBKI drink too much. Last time I gave a urine sample there was an olive in it.C
Rodney Dangerfield
HealthBhI never took hallucinogenic drugs because I never wanted my consciousness expanded one unnecessary iota.C
Fran Lebowitz
HorsesB.Nobody has ever bet enough on a winning horse.C
Richard Sasuly
Horses
3One of the worst things that can happen in life is
(to win a bet on a horse at an early age.
Danny McGoortyE 1901-1970
Horses
-Nobody ever committed suicide who had a good
two-year-old in the barn.
Racetrack Proverb
Humor
/I live in the crowd of jollity, not so much to
enjoy company as to shun myself.
Samuel JohnsonE 1709-1784
Humor
.For every ten jokes, thou hast got an hundred
enemies.
Laurence Sterne
QE 1713-1768
HumorB
Wit is educated insolence.C AristotleE
384-322 BC
HumorB.Seriousness is the only refuse of the shallow.C
Oscar WildeE 1854-1900
HumorB
He who laughs, lasts.C
Mary Pettibone PooleE
c. 1938
Humor
4You can pretend to be serious; you can't pretend to
be witty.
Sacha GuitryE 1885-1957
Humor
/Everybody likes a kidder, but nobody lends him
money.
Arthur Asher Miller
Humor
WB.One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you.C
Larry Gelbart
Humor
.The aim of a joke is not to degrade the human
+being but to remind him that he is already
degraded.
George OrwellE 1903-1950
Humor
2If you don't count some of Jehovah's injunctions,
$there are no humorists in the Bible.
Mordecai Richler
Humor
$Dying is easy. Comedy is difficult.
[On his deathbed]
Edmund GweenE 1875-1959
Humor
[B-Humorists always sit at the children's table.C
Woody Allen
HumorB.I don't care where I sit as long as I get fed.C
Calvin Trillin
Humor
,What is comedy? Comedy is the art of making
&people laugh without making them puke.
Steve Martin
HumorB>When a thing is funny, search it carefully for a hidden truth.C
George Bernard ShawE 1856-1950
HumorB0It's hard to be funny when you have to be clean.C
Mae WestE 1892-1980
Humor
I never had a sense of humor. What started me in a theatrical direction was finding at a very early age that I had a talent. I could impersonate chickens. Buk buk buk bacagh.C
Jonathan Miller
HusbandsB%A good husband is healthy and absent.C
Japanese Proverb
Intelligence
,The human mind treats new ideas the way the
-body treats a strange protein; it rejects it.
P. B. Medawar
Intelligence
,The intelligent man finds almost everything
-ridiculous, the sensible man hardly anything.
Johann Wolfgang von GoetheE 1749-1832
Intelligence
/The difference between genius and stupidity is
that genius has its limits.
Unknown
Intelligence
3The only reason some people get lost in thought is
"because it's unfamiliar territory.
Paul Fix
IntelligenceB+Only the mediocre are always at their best.C
Jean GiraudouxE 1889-1963
2If you live in New York, even if you're Catholic,
you're Jewish
Lenny BruceE 1923-1966
*Jews always know two things:suffering and
!where to find great Chinese food.
My Favorite YearE
A5I'm not a Jew. I'm Jewish. I don't go the whole bag.
Jonathan Miller
Journalism
+The man who reads nothing at all is better
,educated than the man who reads nothing but
newspapers.
Thomas JeffersonE 1743-1826
Journalism
2Journalism largely consists in saying "Lord Jones
1is dead" to people who never knew Lord Jones was
alive.
G. K. ChestertonE 1874-1936
Journalism
/There is so much to be said in favor of modern
-journalism. By giving us the opinions of the
2uneducated it keeps us in touch with ignorance of
the community.
Oscar WildeE 1854-1900
Last Words
My work is done, why wait?
$(Suicide note left by Kodak founder)
George EastmanE 1854-1932
Last WordsB2All right, then, I'll say it: Dante makes me sick.C
Lope de Vega
Last WordsB
I don't feel good.C
Luther BurbankE 1849-1926
Last Words
-Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said
something.
Pancho VillaE
1877?-1923
LawsB
Agree, for the law is costly.C
William CamdenE 1551-1623
3It is better to be a mouse in a cat's mouth than a
man in a lawyer's hands.
Spanish Proverb
%Two farmers claimed to own a certain
'cow. While one pulled on it's head and
'the other pulled on it's tail, the cow
was milked by the lawyer.
Jewish parable
3Whatever their other contributions to our society,
0lawyers could be an important source of protein.
Guindon cartoon
2Law school is the opposite of sex. Even when it's
good, it's lousy.
Unknown
2How to win a case in court: If the law is on your
1side, pound on the law; if the facts are on your
0side, pound on the facts; if neither is on your
side, pound on the table.
Unknown
2Injustice is relatively easy to bear; what stings
is justice.
H. L. MenckenE 1880-1956
/I'm not an ambulance chaser. I'm usually there
before the ambulance.
Melvin Belli
3Byrne's Law: In any electrical circuit, appliances
*and wiring will burn out to protect fuses.
Robert Byrne
LawsB(McCabe's Law: Nobody has to do anything.C
Charles McCabeE 1915-1983
1Parker's Law: Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly
goes clear to the bone.
Murphy's Law
-Chamberlain's Law: Everything tastes more or
less like chicken.
The Official Rules
-A man can wear a hat for years without being
oppressed by it's shabbiness.
James Douglas
LawsB.Boozer's Revision: A bird in the hand is dead.C
The Official Rules
LawsB
Any fool can make a rule.C
Henry David ThoreauE 1817-1862
+Happiness is Seeing Lubbock, Texas, in the
Rearview Mirror.
Song Title
Lawyers
1Go not in and out of court that thy name may not
stink.
AniiE
c 900 BC
Lawyers
(A lawyer and a wagon-wheel must be well
greased.
German Proverb
LawyersB
Law is a bottomless pit.C
John ArbuthnotE 1667-1735
LawyersB'Lawyers, I suppose, were children once.C
Charles LambE 1773-1834
Lawyers
.When men are pure, laws are useless; when men
are corrupt, laws are broken.
Benjamin DisraeliE 1804-1881
Lawyers
1I became a policeman because I wanted to be in a
-business where the customer is always wrong.
[Quoted from unnamed officer]
Arlene Heath
LawyersB.The mistakes are all there waiting to be made.
Savielly Grigorievitch
Tartakower
E 1887-1956
LawyersB
Moral victories don't count.
Savielly Grigorievitch
Tartakower
E 1887-1956
Lawyers
1When you go into court you are putting your fate
,into the hands of twelve people who weren't
%smart enough to get out of jury duty.
Norm Crosby
Lawyers
'Getting kicked out of the American Bar
.Association is like getting kicked out of the
Book-of-the-Month Club.
Melvin Belli
Lawyers
/Laws are like sausages. It's better not to see
them being made.
Otto von BismarckE 1815-1898
LawyersB&Talk is cheap until you hire a lawyer.C
Unknown
LawyersB3I've never been in love. I've always been a lawyer.C
Unknown
Lawyers
There are three reasons why lawyers are replacing rats as laboratory animals. One is that they're plentiful, another is that lab assistants don't get attached to them, and the third is that there are some things a rat just won't do.C
Unknown
LawyersBHA tragedy is a busload of lawyers going over a cliff with an empty seat.C
Unknown
Lawyers
AHLawsuit, n. A machine you go into as a pig and come out of as a sausage.
Ambrose BierceE 1842-1914
0Life is like an overlong drama through which we
1sit being nagged by the vague memories of having
read the review.
John Updike
LifeB0There is more to life than increasing its speed.C
Mahatma GandhiE 1869-1948
5Life is like playing a violin in public and learning
!the instrument as one goes along.
Samuel ButlerE 1835-1902
0Life is what happens while you are making other
plans.
John LennonE 1941-1980
1Life is a God-damned, stinking, treacherous game
.and nine hundred and ninety-nine men out of a
thousand are bastards.
Theodore DreiserE 1871-1945
3The trouble with life in the fast lane is that you
'get to the other end in an awful hurry.
John Jensen
1It is not true that life is one damn thing after
+another-it is one damn thing over and over.
Edna St. Vincent Millay
E 1892-1950
LifeB
Life is thirst.C
Leonard Michaels.
1The less things change, the more they remain the
same.
Sicilian Proverb
1There are days when it takes all you've got just
to keep up with the losers.
Robert Orben
2If you can see the light at the end of the tunnel
you are looking the wrong way.
Barry Commoner
-I have found little that is good about human
0beings. In my experience most of them are trash.
Sigmund FreudE 1856-1939
LifeB.Even when I'm sick and depressed, I love life.C
Artur RubinsteinE 1887-1982
LifeB0Life! Can't live with it, can't live without it.C
Cynthia Nelms
LifeB;Life is something that happens when you can't get to sleep.C
Fran Lebowitz
LifeBHThere is no cure for birth or death except to try to enjoy the interval.C
George SantayanaE 1863-1952
B2Why torture yourself when life will do it for you?C
Laura Walker
LifeBCIt may be that we have all lived before and died, and this is hell.C
A. L. Prusick
LifeB%Life's a bitch and then you meet one.C
Unknown
LifeBHAlways look out for Number One and be careful not to step in Number Two.C
Rodney Dangerfield
LifeB=It's not what you are, it's what you don't become that hurts.C
Oscar LevantE 1906-1972
The ethical argument regarding abortion hinges on the question of exactly when life begins. Some believe that life begins at forty.C
Kevin Nealon
LifeB
It is said that life begins when the fetus can exist apart from its mother. By this definition, many people in Hollywood are legally dead.C
Jay Leno
LifeBOSome mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.C
Emo Philips
LifeBBEverything I did in my life that was worthwhile I caught hell for.
Earl WarrenE 1891-1974
LifeB;It's a dog-eat-dog world, and I'm wearing Milk Bone shorts.C
Kelly Allen
LifeBbYou have to live life to love life, and you have to love life to live life. It's a vicious circle.C
Unknown
LifeB7In a fight between you and the world, bet on the world.C
Franz KafkaE 1883-1924
LifeB&Man was predestined to have free will.C
Hal Lee Luyah
LifeBcSwallow a toad in the morning if you want to encounter nothing more disgusting the rest of the day.
Nicolas ChamfortE 1741-1794
LifeBLIf you want a place in the sun, you must leave the shade of the family tree.C
Osage saying
LifeB3In spite of the cost of living, it's still popular.C
Kathleen NorrisE 1880-1966
LifeB=If you're already in a hole, it's no use to continue digging.C
Roy W. Walters
LifeBNThe longer you stay in one place, the greater your chances of disillusionment.C
Art Spander
Bmthe optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.C
James Branch CabellE 1879-1958
LifeB:An optimist is someone who thinks the future is uncertain.C
Unknown
LifeBEI always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.C
Lily Tomlin and Jane Wagner
LifeBDDown! A brand new day! This could be the start of something average.C
Ziggy (Tom Wilson)
B7The second half of the 20th century is a complete flop.C
Isaac Bashevis Singer
LifeBJThe more unpredictable the world becomes, the more we rely on predictions.C
Steve Rivkin
LifeBcThere are few problems in life that wouldn't be eased by the proper application of high explosives.C
Unknown
LifeB
Reality is a collective hunch.C
Lily Tomlin and Jane Wagner
LifeB(Humankind cannot bear very much reality.C
T.S. EliotE 1888-1965
B,You've got to take the bitter with the sour.C
Samuel GoldwynE 1882-1974
LifeB!Strife is better than loneliness.C
Irish Saying
LifeB)Truth is more of a stranger than fiction.C
Mark TwainE 1835-1910
LifeB*It is annoying to be honest to no purpose.C
OvidE
43 BC-17 AD
LifeB
Truth is the safest lie.C
Unknown
LifeB1I have seen the truth, and it doesn't make sense.C
Unknown
LifeB,Never let a computer know you're in a hurry.C
Unknown
B2My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.C
Steven Wright
LifeBSNever try to walk across a river just because it has an average depth of four feet.C
Martin Friedman
LifeBCPhysics lesson: When a body is submerged in water, the phone rings.C
Unknown
LifeB_I like trees because they seem more resigned to the way they have to live than other things do.C
Willa CatherE 1873-1947
LifeB
I am at two with nature.C
Woody Allen
Life itself
B"I like life. It's something to do.C
Ronnie Shakes
Life itself
*Life is divided into the horrible and the
miserable.
Woody Allen
Life itselfB
Like is just a bowl of pits.C
Rodney Dangerfield
Life itselfB-Life being what is it, one dreams of revenge.C
Paul GauguinE 1848-1903
Life itself
/If I had my life to live over, I'd live over a
delicatessen.
Unknown
2Love is the delightful interval between meeting a
3beautiful girl and discovering that she looks like
a haddock.
John BarrymoreE 1882-1942
0Love is a ocean of emotions entirely surrounded
by expenses.
Lord Dewar
LoveB
Love is a grave mental disease.C
PlatoE
427?-348? BC
,Whatever deceives seem to produce a magical
enchantment.
PlatoE
427?-348? BC
0The heaviest object in the world is the body of
"the woman you have ceased to love.
Marquis de Luc de Clapiers
Vauvenargues
E 1715-1747
'In expressing love we belong among the
undeveloped countries.
Saul Bellows
0A man can be happy with any woman as long as he
does not love her.
Oscar WildeE 1854-1900
LoveB
Love will find a lay.C
Robert Byrne
/It takes a woman twenty years to make a man of
-her son, and another woman twenty minutes to
make a fool of him.
Helen Rowland
E 1876-1950
2It is better to have loved and lost than never to
have lost at all.
Samuel ButlerE 1835-1902
,I sold my memoirs of my love life to Parker
2Brothers and they are going to make a game out of
Woody Allen
LoveB)In love there are two evils:war and peaceC
HoraceE
65 BC- 8 BC
LoveB-Love is the crocodile on the river of desire.C
BhartrihariE
0Love is what happens to men and women who don't
know each other.
W. Somerset MaughamE 1874-1965
LoveB
Love is blond.C
Herbert Gold
0The trouble with loving is that pets don't last
%long enough and people last too long.
Unknown
+A man always remembers his first love with
0special tenderness, but after that he begins to
bunch them.
H. L. MenckenE 1880-1956
1When you are in love with someone you want to be
/near him all the time, except what you are out
'buying things and charging them to him.
Miss Piggy
2Better to have loved and lost a short person than
never to have loved a tall.
David Chambless
2One of the advantages of living alone is that you
1don't have to wake up in the arms of a loved one.
Marion Smith
Dear Sweetheart:
$ Last night I thought of you.
# At least I think it was you.
Snoopy
LoveB&In the race for love, I was scratched.C
Joan Davis
LoveBZLove is not the dying moan of a distant violin-it's the triumphant twang of the bedspring.C
S. J. PerelmanE 1904-1979
LoveB/Love is what you've been through with somebody.C
James ThurberE 1894-1961
1Love is the delusion that one woman differs from
another.
H. L. MenckenE 1880-1956
Love is being stupid together.C
Paul Val
ryE 1871-1945
/Love is an obsessive delusion that is cured by
marriage.
Dr. Karl BowmanE 1888-1973
,Love is the only game that is not called on
account of darkness.
M. Hirschfield
4The greatest love is a mother's, then a dog's, then
a sweetheart's.
Polish Proverb
LoveB,If I love you, what business is it of yours.C
Johann Wolfgang von GoetheE 1749-1832
LoveB-A man in love mistakes a pimple for a dimple.C
Japanese Proverb
LoveB0A lover without indiscretion is no lover at all.C
Thomas HardyE 1840-1928
+The most important thing in a relationship
.between a man and a woman is that one of them
be good at taking orders.
Linda Festa
2In a great romance, each person basically plays a
!part that the other really likes.
Elizabeth Ashley
-I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I've
ever known.
Walt DisneyE 1901-1966
LoveB.I like young girls. Their stories are shorter.C
Tom McGuane
/The most romantic thing any woman ever said to
.me in bed was "Are you sure you're not a cop?"
Larry Brown
0Someday we'll look back on this moment and plow
into a parked car.
Evan Davis
LoveB.Love is an exploding cigar we willingly smoke.C
Lynda Barry
BBYou need someone to love while you're looking for someone to love.C
Shelagh Delaney
LoveB#God is love, but get it in writing.C
Gypsy Rose LeeE 1914-1970
LoveB'Abstinence makes the heart grow fonder.C
Knox Burger
LoveBLIt is better to have flunked your Wasserman than never to have loved at all.C Jim Stark
Mankind
,The brotherhood of man is not a mere poet's
/dream; it is a most depressing and humiliating
reality.
Oscar WildeE 1854-1900
Mankind
We're all in this alone.C
Lily Tomlin
Mankind
0Our ignorance of history makes us libel our own
)times. People have always been like this.
Gustave FlaubertE 1821-1880
Mankind
.The British tourist is always happy abroad so
long as the natives are waiters.
Robert Morley
MankindB You can't judge Egypt by "Aida."C
Ronald Firbank
Mankind
0France is a country where the money falls apart
$and you can't tear the toilet paper.
Billy Wilder
Mankind
0In Marseilles they make half the toilet soap we
.consume in America, but the Marseillaise only
0have a vague theoretical idea of its use, which
(they have obtained from books of travel.
Mark TwainE 1835-1910
Mankind
.Gaiety is the most outstanding feature of the
Soviet Union.
Joseph StalinE 1879-1953
Marriage
/The reason husband and wives do not understand
/each other is because they belong to different
sexes.
Dorothy DixE 1870-1951
Marriage
/The only solid and lasting peace between a man
'and his wife is doubtless a separation.
Lord ChesterfieldE 1694-1773
Marriage
/Marriage: A master, a mistress and two slaves,
making in all, two.
Ambrose BierceE 1842-1914
MarriageB&Marriage is not a word but a sentence.C
Unknown
Marriage
3Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready
for an institution.
Mae WestE 1892-1980
Marriage
3If I ever marry it will be on a sudden impulse, as
a man shoots himself.
H. L. MenckenE 1880-1956
Marriage
1For the upper middle class, marriage is the only
adventure left.
Unknown
MarriageB
We want playmates we can own.C
Jules Feiffer
MarriageB$It was so cold I almost got married.C
Shelley Winters
Marriage
1At American weddings, the quality of the food is
1inversely proportional to the social position of
the bride and groom.
Calvin Trillin
MarriageB%I was married once. Now I just lease.C
"Buddy, Buddy"E
MarriageB#I married beneath me. All women do.C
Nancy, Lady AstorE 1879-1964
Marriage
0An archeologist is the best husband a woman can
1have; the older she gets, the more interested he
is in her.
Agatha ChristieE 1891-1976
Marriage
B+I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.C
Woody Allen
Marriage
/My mother-in-law broke up my marriage. One day
/my wife came home early from work and found us
in bed together.
Lenny BruceE 1926-1966
Marriage
(I'd like to have a girl, and I'm saving
!my money so I can get a good one.
Bob Nickman
Marriage
+A relationship is what happens between two
-people who are waiting for someone better to
come along.
Unknown
MarriageB+I have such poor vision I can date anybody.C
Garry Shandling
Marriage
0It's relaxing to go out with my ex-wife because
she already knows I'm an idiot.
Warren Thomas
Marriage
0I used to go out exclusively with actresses and
other female impersonators.
C Mort Sahl
Marriage
2The trouble with living in sin is the shortage of
closet space.
Missy Dizick
Marriage
+The fickleness of the women I love is only
/equaled by the infernal constancy of the women
who love me.
George Bernard ShawE 1856-1950
Marriage
.Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his
room.
Phyllis Diller
Marriage
+He's the kind of man a woman would have to
marry to get rid of.
Mae WestE 1892-1980
MarriageB&Brains are an asset, if you hide them.C
Mae WestE 1892-1980
Marriage
0He promised me earrings, but he only pierced my
ears.
Unknown
MarriageB
Marriage is a necessary evil.C
MenanderE
342?-292? BC
Marriage
1Marriage is the only war in which you sleep with
the enemy.
Unknown
MarriageB/Nothing anybody tells you about marriage helps.C
Max Siegel
Marriage
/There is so little difference between husbands
!you might as well keep the first.
Adela Rogers St. Johns
Marriage
2Marriage is really tough because you have to deal
with feelings and lawyers.
Richard Pryor
Marriage
-Marriage could catch on again because living
+together is not quite living and not quite
-together. Premarital sex slowly evolves into
premarital sox.
Gerald Nachman
Marriage
3Marriage is part of a sort of 50's revival package
-that's back in vogue along with neckties and
naked ambition.
Calvin Trillin
Marriage
!B5I'll have to marry a virgin. I can't stand criticism.C
Unknown
Marriage
0If you are living with a man, you don't have to
.worry about whether you should sleep with him
after dinner.
Stephanie Brush
Marriage
5I'd like to get married because I like the idea of a
1man being required by law to sleep with me every
night.
Carrie Snow
MarriageB-Alimony is like buying oats for a dead horse.C
Arthur BaerE 1896-1975
Marriage
.I hated my marriage, but I always had a great
place to park.
Gerald Nachman
Marriage
-Where I come from, when a Catholic marries a
0Lutheran it is considered the first step on the
road to Minneapolis.
Garrison Keillor
Marriage
2I was married by a judge. I should have asked for
a jury.
George Burns
Marriage
/I wouldn't trust my husband with a young woman
2for five minutes, and he's been dead for 25 years.
Brendan BehanE 1923-1964
Marriage
3I want a girl just like the girl that married dear
old Dad.
Oedipus Rex
Marriage
0Adultery is a meanness and a stealing, a taking
+away from someone what should be theirs, a
1great selfishness, and surrounded and guarded by
1lies lest it should be found out. And out of the
1meanness and selfishness and lying flow love and
*joy and peace beyond anything that can be
imagined.
Dame Rose Macaulay
*E 1881-1958
Marriage
$I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every
$time I leave a man I keep his house.
Zsa Zsa Gabor
Marriage
'The happiest time in any man's life is
just after the first divorce.
John Kenneth Galbraith
Marriage
0One reason people get divorced is that they run
out of gift ideas.
Robert Byrne
Marriage
0I've married a few people I shouldn't have, but
haven't we all?
Mamie Van Doren
Marriage
,If you want to read about love and marriage
%you've got to buy two separate books.
C Alan King
Marriage
,'Tis more blessed to give than receive; for
example, wedding presents.
H. L. MenckenE 1880-1956
Marriage
.Men have a much better time of it than women;
2for one thing they marry later; for another thing
they die earlier.
H. L. MenckenE 1880-1956
Marriage
/Monogamy is the Western custom of one wife and
hardly any mistresses.
H. H. Munro (Saki)E 1870-1916
Marriage
0Marriage is based on the theory that when a man
2discovers a brand of beer exactly to his taste he
2should at once throw up his job and go to work in
the brewery.
George Jean NathanE 1882-1958
Marriage
2A wife lasts only for the length of the marriage,
2but an ex-wife is there for the rest of your life.
Jim Samuels
Marriage
1A man in love is incomplete until he is married.
Then he is finished.
Zsa Zsa Gabor
Marriage
1A husband is what is left of the lover after the
nerve has been extracted.
Helen RowlandE 1876-1950
Marriage
1When a girl marries she exchanges the attentions
'of many men for the inattention of one.
Helen RowlandE 1876-1950
MarriageB&One man's folly is another man's wife.C
Helen RowlandE 1876-1950
Marriage
0The most happy marriage I can imagine to myself
,would be the union of a deaf man to a blind
woman.
Samuel Taylor ColeridgeE 1772-1834
Marriage
1The trouble with some women is that they get all
)excited about nothing-and then marry him.
Marriage
0Trust your husband, adore your husband, and get
$as much as you can in your own name.
Advice to Joan Rivers
Marriage
'Honesty has ruined more marriages than
infidelity.
Charles McCabeE 1915-1983
Marriage
2Bachelors should be heavily taxed. It is not fair
,that some men should be happier than others.
Oscar WildeE 1854-1900
Marriage
/I believe in the institution of marriage and I
+intend to keep trying until I get it right.
Richard Pryor
Marriage
0I was a fifty-four-year-old virgin, but I'm all
right now.
Unknown
Marriage
0Eighty percent of married men cheat in America.
The rest cheat in Europe.
Jackie Mason
Marriage
-A man can have two, maybe three love affairs
.while he's married. After that, it's cheating.
Yves Montand
MarriageB-Marriage has driven more than one man to sex.C
Peter De Vries
Marriage
1It destroys one's nerves to be amiable every day
to the same human being.
Benjamin DisraeliE 1804-1881
Marriage
2If you are looking for a kindly, well-to-do older
.gentleman who is no longer interested in sex,
*take out an ad in The Wall Street Journal.
Abigail Van Buren
MarriageBYThis is my last year to fool around. Then I'm going to settle down and marry a rock star.C
"Modern Girls"
MarriageB
Dating means doing a lot of fun things you will never do again if you get married. The fun stops with marriage because you're trying to save money for when you split up your property.
Dave Barry
MarriageBVThere's nothing like a Catholic wedding to make you wish that life had a fast forward.C
Dan Chopin
MarriageB^I married the first man I ever kissed. When I tell my children that, they just about throw up.C
Barbara Bush
MarriageB.Until I got married, I was my own worst enemy.C
Unknown
MarriageBtThe poor wish to be rich, the rich wish to be happy, the single wish to be married, and the married wish to be dead.C
Ann Landers
Marriage
KB?Marriage is like paying an endless visit in your worst clothes.C
J. B. PriestleyE 1894-1984
MarriageBlMarriage is like a besieged fortress. Everyone outside wants to get in and everyone inside wants to get out.C
Quitard
MarriageBTThe chains of marriage are so heavy it takes two to carry them, and sometimes three.C
Alexander DumasE 1802-1870
MarriageB
Marriage is ridiculous.C
Goldie Hawn
Marriage
OB^Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and give her a house.C
Lewis Grizzard
MarriageB1Love is blind, and marriage is a real eye-opener.C
Unknown
MarriageBlMy divorce came as a complete surprise to me. That will happen when you haven't been home in eighteen years.C
Lee Trevino
MarriageBQThe secret of a happy marriage is tell your spouse everything but the essentials.C
Cynthia Nelms
Marriage
SBAAll men make mistakes, but married men find out about the sooner.C
Red Skelton
MarriageB]In marriage a man becomes slack and selfish and undergoes a fatty degeneration of the spirit.C
Robert Louis StevensonE 1850-1894
MarriageB`Conrad Hilton was very generous to me in the divorce settlement. He gave me 5,000 Gideon Bibles.C
Zsa Zsa Gabor
MarriageB{The only thing that holds a marriage together is the husband being big enough to step back and see where the wife is wrong.
Archie Bunker
MarriageBBI've been married so long I'm on my third bottle of Tabasco sauce.C
Susan Vass
MarriageBHThere is nothing like living together for blinding people to each other.C
Ivy Compton BurnettE 1884-1969
MarriageBjAlways get married early in the morning. That way, if it doesn't work out, you haven't wasted a whole day.C
Mickey Rooney
MarriageBJThere are pigtails on the pillow in the morning that weren't there before.C
Martin LutherE 1483-1546
MarriageBpI'm going to marry a Jewish woman because I like the idea of getting up on Sunday morning and going to the deli.C
Michael J. Fox
MarriageB]That married couples can like together day after day is a miracle the Vatican has overlooked.C
Bill Cosby
MarriageB7My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.C
Rodney Dangerfield
MarriageB>My husband said he needed more space, so I locked him outside.C
Roseanne Barr
Marriage
_BmYou may marry the man of your dreams, but fifteen years later you're married to a reclining chair that burps.C
Roseanne Barr
MarriageBfI grew up in a very large family in a very small house. I never slept alone until after I was married.C
Lewis Grizzard
MarriageBFMy parents stayed together for forty years, but that was out of spite.C
Woody Allen
MarriageBSIf it weren't for marriage, men and women would have to fight with total strangers.C
Unknown
Marriage
cBAMonogamous is what one partner is every relationship wants to be.C
Strange de Jim
MarriageB)Monogamous and monotonous are synonymous.C
Thaddeus Golas
MarriageB$Monogamy leaves a lot to be desired.C
Unknown
MenB)Man is more an ape than many of the apes.C
Friedrich Wilhelm NietzscheE 1844-1900
MenB,He who looketh upon a woman loseth a fender.C
Unknown
)Mahatma Gandhi was what wives wish their
$husbands were: thin, tan, and moral.
Unknown
.I'm a disgrace to my sex. I should work in an
Arabian palace as a eunuch.
Woody Allen
MenB*Until Eve arrived, this was a man's world.C
Richard Armour
-Whatever women do they must do twice as well
4as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is
not difficult.
Charlotte WhittonE 1896-1975
)Don't accept rides from strange men, and
"remember that all men are strange.
Robin Morgan
1There are only two kinds of men-the dead and the
deadly.
Helen RowlandE 1876-1950
MenB0Men are creatures with two legs and eight hands.C
Jayne MansfieldE 1932-1967
.I refuse to consign the whole male sex to the
1nursery. I insist on believing that some men are
my equals.
Brigid Brophy
3Being a woman is a terribly difficult trade, since
,it consists principally of dealing with men.
Joseph ConradE 1857-1924
qBKMen are nicotine-soaked, beer-besmirched, whiskey-greased, red-eyed devils.C
Carry NationE 1846-1911
MenBJMany men die at twenty-five and aren't buried until they are seventy-five.C
Benjamin FranklinE 1706-1790
MenBOMen are superior to women. For one thing, they can urinate from a speeding car.C
Will Durst
Men are irrelevant.C
Fay Weldon
MenBKI require three things in a man. He must be handsome, ruthless, and stupid.C
Dorothy ParkerE 1893-1967
vB:His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.C
Mae WestE 1892-1980
MenBPI have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career.C
Gloria Steinem
MenBDWhen a man brings his wife flowers for no reason - there's a reason.C
Molly McGee
Men! You can't live with them and you can't
1. Dip them in batter for tempura,
2. Use them for collateral on a loan,
3. Put in new batteries.C
Sylvia (Nicole Hollander)
zBXThe main difference between men and women is that men are lunatics and women are idiots.C
Rebecca WestE 1892-1983
MenBUAny young man who is unmarried at the age of twenty-one is a menace to the community.C
Brigham YoungE 1801-1877
MenB`Talking with a man is like trying to saddle a cow. You can work like hell, but what's the point?C
Gladys Upham
MenBpMen read maps better than women because only men can understand the concept of an inch equaling a hundred miles.
Roseanne Barr
A dork is a dork is a dork.C
Jane Markey
I have known more men destroyed by the desire to have wife and child and to keep them in comfort than I have seen destroyed by drink and harlots.C
William Butler YeatsE 1865-1939
I grew up to have my father's looks, my father's speech patterns, my father's posture, my father's opinions, and my mother's contempt for my father.C
Jules Feiffer
Men and Women
)The only time a woman really succeeds in
#changing a man is when he's a baby.
Natalie WoodE 1938-1981
Men and Women
/Girls are always running through my mind. They
don't dare walk.
C Andy Gibb
Men and Women
-One good thing about being a man is that men
!don't have to talk to each other.
Peter Cocotas
Men and WomenB
Boy meets girl. So what?C
Bertolt BrechtE 1898-1956
Men and Women
B1Men and women. Women and men. It will never work.C
Erica Jong
Men and WomenB=If you want to catch a trout, don't fish in a herring barrel.C
Ann Landers
Men and WomenB
The animals most often encountered in the singles jungle are pigs, dogs, wolves, skunks, slugs, and snakes. The fox in imaginary.C
Robert Byrne
Men and WomenBjI go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky, but there's never any gum under any of them.C
Emo Philips
Men and Women
BQA "Bay Area Bisexual" told me I didn't quite coincide with either of her desires.C
Woody Allen
Men and WomenBbWhen I meet a man I ask myself, "Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?"C
Rita Rudner
Men and WomenB\Oh God, in the name of Thine only beloved Son, Jesus Christ, Our Lord, let him phone me now.C
Dorothy ParkerE 1893-1967
Men and WomenBRI enjoy dating married men because they don't want anything kinky, like breakfast.C
Joni Rodgers
Men and WomenBKWomen with pasts interest men because they hope history will repeat itself.C
Mae WestE 1892-1980
Men and WomenBiI turned down a date once because I was looking for someone a little closer to the top of the food chain.C
Judy Tenuta
Men and WomenBHHave you ever dated someone because you were too lazy to commit suicide?C
Judy Tenuta
Men and WomenB(Never date a woman you can hear ticking.C
Mark Patinkin
Men and Women
BrThere is one thing I would break up over, and that is if she caught me with another woman. I won't stand for that.C
Steve Martin
Men and WomenBOMy boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn't want him to.C
Rita Rudner
Men and WomenB8I'm dating a woman now who, evidently, is unaware of it.C
Garry Shandling
Men and WomenB&Necessity if the mother of attraction.C
Luke McKissack
Men and Women
BFWhen confronted with two evils, a man will always choose the prettier.C
Unknown
Miscellaneous
.I want to be the white man's brother, not his
brother-in-law.
Martin Luther King, Jr.E 1929-1968
Miscellaneous
1You might as well fall flat on your face as lean
over too far backward.
James ThurberE 1894-1961
Miscellaneous
1Alexander III of Macedonia is known as Alexander
+the Great because he killed more people of
/different kinds than any other man of his time.
Will CuppyE 1884-1949
Miscellaneous
0Aristotle was famous for knowing everything. He
0taught that the brain exists merely to cool the
,blood and is not involved in the process of
/thinking. This is true only of certain persons.
Will CuppyE 1884-1949
MiscellaneousB!What a time! What a civilization!C
CiceroE 106-43 BC
MiscellaneousB/Oh, this age! How tasteless and ill-bred it is!C
Catullus
87?-54? BC
Miscellaneous
1How little you know about the age you live in if
1you think that honey is sweeter than cash in the
hand.
OvidE
43? BC-18 AD
MiscellaneousB/It is sometimes expedient to forget who we are.C PubliliusE
c 42 BC
Miscellaneous
,The school of hard knocks is an accelerated
curriculum.
MenanderE
342?-292? BC
Miscellaneous
0There is nothing so absurd but some philosopher
has said it.
Cicero
E 106-43 BC
Miscellaneous
0A man with his belly full of the classics is an
enemy of the human race.
Henry MillerE 1891-1980
Miscellaneous
4Patriotism is the willingness to kill and be killed
for trivial reasons.
Bertrand RussellE 1872-1970
Miscellaneous B!Never eat more than you can lift.C
Miss Piggy
Miscellaneous B!Punctuality is the thief of time.C
Oscar WildeE 1854-1900
Miscellaneous B(Platitudes are the Sundays of stupidity,
Unknown
Miscellaneous B/It is unbecoming for young men to utter maxims.C AristotleE
384-322 BC
Miscellaneous
2They were such a progressive couple they tried to
adopt a gay baby.
Unknown
Miscellaneous
.He who marries a widow will often have a dead
man's head thrown in his dish.
Spanish Proverb
Miscellaneous
0I don't know the key to success, but the key to
&failure is trying to please everybody.
Bill Cosby
Miscellaneous
2The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working
.the moment you get up in the morning and does
!not stop until get to the office.
Robert FrostE 1874-1963
Miscellaneous
/I have never seen a greater monster or miracle
than myself.
C MontaigneE 1533-1592
Miscellaneous
1Until you walk a mile in another man's moccasins
you can't imagine the smell.
Robert Byrne
Miscellaneous
1I don't have a warm personal enemy left. They've
/all died off. I miss them terribly because the
helped define me.
Claire Booth Luce
Miscellaneous
2The lonesome. They are all dying. I have hardly a
warm personal enemy left.
James McNeil WhistlerE 1834-1903
Miscellaneous B.Nothing is said that has not been said before.C
TerenceE
185-159 BC
Miscellaneous
/I'm in a phone booth at the corner of Walk and
Don't Walk.
Unknown
Miscellaneous
1How come they picked you to be an astronaut? You
$got such a great sense of direction?
Jackie Mason
Miscellaneous B
Do not make loon soup.C
The Eskimo Cookbook
Miscellaneous
+Fall is my favorite season in Los Angeles,
2watching the birds change color and fall from the
trees.
David Letterman
Miscellaneous
/I met a guy once who was half Italian and half
!Chinese. His name was Video Pong.
Unknown
Miscellaneous
2My father never lived to see his dreams come true
!of an all-Yiddish-speaking Canada
David Steinberg
Miscellaneous
,That man has missed something who has never
0left a brothel at sunrise feeling like throwing
+himself into the river out of pure disgust.
Gustave FlaubertE 1821-1880
Miscellaneous
,Gary Cooper and Greta Garbo may be the same
)person. Have you ever seen them together?
Ernst LubitschE 1892-1947
Miscellaneous
$He had a God-given killer instinct.
[On George Blanda]
Al Davis
Miscellaneous
1I was gratified to be able to answer promptly. I
said I don't know.
Mark TwainE 1835-1910
Miscellaneous B
Few people know how to be old.C
La RochefoucauldE 1613-1680
Miscellaneous
+The enemy came. He was beaten. I am tired.
Goodnight.
[After battle of Dunen]
Vicomte TurenneE
Miscellaneous
B0I'm just a person trapped inside a woman's body.C
Elayne Boosler
Miscellaneous
0I happened to catch my reflection the other day
1when I was polishing my trophies, and, gee, it's
(easy to see why women are nuts about me.
Tom Ryan
Miscellaneous
3Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to use
earplugs?
The Goon Show
Miscellaneous
.One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous
+breakdown is the belief that one's work is
terribly important.
Bertrand RussellE 1872-1970
Miscellaneous
,A little inaccuracy sometimes saves tons of
explanation.
H. H. Munro (Saki)E 1870-1916
Miscellaneous
0It's really hard to be roommates with people if
+your suitcases are much better than theirs.
J. D. Salinger
Miscellaneous
0Take most people, they're crazy about cars. I'd
1rather have a goddamn horse. A horse is at least
human, for God's sake.
J. D. Salinger
Miscellaneous
2Three o'clock is always too late or too early for
anything you want to do.
Jean Paul SartreE 1905-1980
Miscellaneous
1A reformer is a guy who rides through a sewer in
a glass-bottomed boat.
Jimmy WalkerE 1881-1946
Miscellaneous
2The doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect
*can only advise his client to plant vines.
Frank Lloyd WrightE 1869-1959
Miscellaneous
1I wash everything on the gentle cycle. It's much
more humane.
Unknown
Miscellaneous
3The breakfast of champions is not cereal, it's the
opposition.
Nick Seitz
Miscellaneous
0There is nothing in the world so enjoyable as a
thorough-going monomania.
Agnes RepplierE 1858-1950
MiscellaneousB
Virtue is its own revenge.
E. T. HarburgE 1898-1981
MiscellaneousB"A good deed never goes unpunished.C
Gore Vidal
Miscellaneous
1The curtain rises on a vast primitive wasteland,
'not unlike certain parts of New Jersey.
Woody Allen
Miscellaneous
3Man is the only animal that laughs and has a state
legislature.
Samuel ButlerE 1835-1902
MiscellaneousB5Until a child is one year old it is incapable of sin.C
The TalmudE
c. 200
Miscellaneous
-I wish people who have trouble communicating
would just shut up.
Tom Lehrer
MiscellaneousB(A man is as young as the woman he feels.C
Variously ascribed
Miscellaneous
-Toots Shor's restaurant is so crowded nobody
goes there anymore.
Yogi Berra
Miscellaneous
1I don't care what is written about me so long as
it isn't true.
Dorothy ParkerE 1893-1967
Miscellaneous
1He can beat yourn with hisn and he can beat hisn
with yourn.
"Bum" Phillips
Miscellaneous
.More than any time in history mankind faces a
0crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter
4hopelessness, the other to total extinction. Let us
'pray that we have the wisdom to choose
correctly.
Woody Allen
Miscellaneous
2It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also
stupid.
George Bernard ShawE 1856-1950
Miscellaneous
1You can't steal second base and keep one foot on
first.
Unknown
Miscellaneous
/When something good happens it's a miracle and
0you should wonder what God is saving up for you
later.
Marshall Brickman
MiscellaneousB,Cognito ergo spud. I think, therefore I yam.C
Graffito
MiscellaneousB'If you want an audience, start a fight.C
Gaelic Proverb
MiscellaneousB
Everything hurts.C
Michaelangelo Antonioni
Miscellaneous
0I propose getting rid of conventional armaments
*and replacing them with reasonably priced
1hydrogen bombs that would be distributed equally
throughout the world.
Idi Amin
Miscellaneous
/I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I
hate necks.
Steve Martin
Miscellaneous
2Working on television is like being shot out of a
.cannon. They cram you all up with rehearsals,
/then someone lights a fuse and -BANG-there you
are in someone's living room.
Tallulah BankheadE 1903-1968
MiscellaneousB,Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.C
Unknown
Miscellaneous
.Fifteen cents of every twenty-cent stamp goes
for storage.
Louis Rukeyser
Miscellaneous
.The unique thing about Margaret Rutherford is
0that she can act with her chin alone. Among its
)many moods I especially cherish the chin
/commanding, the chin in doubt, and the chin at
Kenneth TynanE 1927-1980
Miscellaneous
0Things are so bad on Broadway today an actor is
lucky to be miscast.
George S. KaufmanE 1889-1961
Miscellaneous
0The race may not be to the swift nor victory to
#the strong, but that's how you bet.
Damon RunyonE 1844-1946
MiscellaneousB_The Jewish position on abortion is that a fetus is a fetus until it gets out of medical school.C
Unknown
Miscellaneous
(I'm impressed with people from Chicago.
0Hollywood is hype, New York is talk, Chicago is
work.
Michael Douglas
MiscellaneousB/An empty taxi stopped, and Jack Warner got out.C
Unknown
Miscellaneous
,A liberated woman is one who has sex before
marriage and a job after.
Gloria Steinem
Miscellaneous
.If you haven't got anything nice to say about
anybody, come sit next to me.
Alice Roosevelt LongworthE 1884-1980
Miscellaneous
I'll try anything once.
[On giving birth at age 41]
Alice Roosevelt LongworthE 1884-1980
MiscellaneousB)God sends meat and the devil sends cooks.C
Thomas DeloneyE 1543-1600
MiscellaneousB3Husbands are like fires. They go out if unattended.C
Zsa Zsa Gabor
MiscellaneousB%Go, and never darken my towels again.C
Groucho MarxE 1890-1977
Miscellaneous
0California is the only state in the union where
4you can fall asleep under a rose bush in full bloom
and freeze to death.
W. C. FieldsE 1880-1946
MiscellaneousB[The difference between Los Angeles and yogurt is that yogurt has an active, living culture.C
Unknown
MiscellaneousB/We can see California coming, and we're scared.C
James Brady
Miscellaneous
.Many a man owes his success to his first wife
#and his second wife to his success.
Jim Backus
Miscellaneous
B0Nature has given us two ears but only one mouth.C
Benjamin DisraeliE 1804-1881
MiscellaneousB)It is easier to stay out than to get out.C
Mark TwainE 1835-1910
MiscellaneousB(A fat paunch never breeds fine thoughts.C
St. JeromeE
340?-420
MiscellaneousB"Absence makes the heart go yonder.C
Robert Byrne
Miscellaneous
1It takes two to speak the truth-one to speak and
another to hear.
Henry David ThoreauE 1817-1862
Miscellaneous
#Only sick music makes money today.
[In 1888]
Friedrich Wilhelm NietzscheE 1844-1900
MiscellaneousB,I never know how much of what I say is true.C
Bette Midler
MiscellaneousB I'm as pure as the driven slush.C
Tallulah BankheadE 1903-1968
Miscellaneous
2I went around the world last year and you want to
$know something? It hates each other.
Edward J. Mannix
Miscellaneous
+A great many people have come up to me and
,asked how I managed to get so much done and
still look so dissipated.
Robert BenchleyE 1889-1945
MiscellaneousB!I don't trust him. We're friends.C
Bertolt BrechtE 1898-1956
Miscellaneous
0A man can't be too careful in the choice of his
enemies.
Oscar WildeE 1854-1900
Miscellaneous
-Anyone can win, unless there happens to be a
second entry.
George AdeE 1866-1944
Miscellaneous
,We have long passed the Victorian era, when
1asterisks were followed after a certain interval
by a baby.
W. Somerset MaughamE 1874-1965
Miscellaneous
4It was such a lovely day I thought it was a pity to
get up.
W. Somerset MaughamE 1874-1965
MiscellaneousB'The biggest sin is sitting on your ass.C
Florynce Kennedy
Miscellaneous
/Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and
you sleep alone.
Anthony Burgess
Miscellaneous
2It was a blonde, a blonde to make a bishop kick a
hole in a stained glass window.
Raymond ChandlerE 1888-1959
Miscellaneous
5I go to the theater to be entertained...I don't want
3to see rape, sodomy, and drug addiction. I can get
all that at home.
Roger Law cartoon
MiscellaneousB/The higher the buildings, the lower the morals.C
Noel CowardE 1899-1973
Miscellaneous
3Nothing is illegal if a hundred businessmen decide
to do it.
Andrew Jackson Young, Jr.
MiscellaneousB1I wish Frank Sinatra would just shut up and sing.C
Lauren Bacall
MiscellaneousB%England produces the best fat actors.C
Jimmy CannonE 1910-1973
Miscellaneous
3If it weren't for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of
.television, we'd still be eating frozen radio
dinners.
Johnny Carson
Miscellaneous
0A luxury liner is just a bad play surrounded by
water.
Clive James
MiscellaneousB$The future isn't what is used to be.C
Variously ascribed
Miscellaneous
-Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to
marry.
Gloria Steinem
Miscellaneous
2I haven't been wrong since 1961, when I thought I
made a mistake.
Bob Hudson
Miscellaneous
3I may have my faults, but being wrong isn't one of
them.
Jimmy HoffaE 1913-1975
Miscellaneous
2He had a winning smile, but everything else was a
loser.
[at a Bob Hope roast]
George C. Scott
Miscellaneous
2He not only overflowed with learning, he stood in
the slop.
Sydney SmithE 1771-1845
Miscellaneous
1Listening to the Fifth Symphony of Ralph Vaughan
1Williams is like staring at a cow for forty-five
minutes.
Aaron Copland
Miscellaneous
-Forgive your enemies, but never forget their
names.
John F. KennedyE 1917-1963
Miscellaneous
2There is no pleasure in having nothing to do; the
*fun is having lots to do and not doing it.
John W. Raper
Miscellaneous
2Hope is the feeling you have that the feeling you
have isn't permanent.
C Jean Kerr
Miscellaneous
+I was probably the only revolutionary ever
referred to as "cute".
Abbie Hoffman
Miscellaneous
*Success didn't spoil me; I've always been
insufferable.
Fran Lebowitz
Miscellaneous
.Men should stop fighting themselves and start
fighting insects.
Luther BurbankE 1849-1926
Miscellaneous
3They say you can't do it, but sometimes it doesn't
always work.
Casey StengelE 1891-1975
Miscellaneous
0Tumescence is the period between pubescence and
senescence.
Robert Byrne
Miscellaneous
4If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if
)this is tea, please bring me some coffee.
Abraham LincolnE 1809-1865
MiscellaneousB$Logic is in the eye of the logician.C
Gloria Steinem
Miscellaneous
0Everything is in a state of flux, including the
status quo.
Robert Byrne
Miscellaneous
/The only people with a right to complain about
/what I do for a living are vegetarian nudists.
0[One of California's 700 licensed fur trappers.]
C Ken Bates
Miscellaneous
3I'm trying to arrange my life so that I don't even
have to be present.
Unknown
Miscellaneous
0To travel is to discover that everyone is wrong
about other countries.
Aldous HuxleyE 1894-1963
MiscellaneousB3It can be great fun to have an affair with a bitch.C
Louis Auchinclost
MiscellaneousB&Never accept a drink from a urologist.C
Erma Bombeck's Father
Miscellaneous
(In Rome I am weighted down by a lack of
2momentum, the inertia of a spent civilization. In
2New York I feel plugged into a strong alternating
current of hope and despair.
Ted Morgan
MiscellaneousB3I'm six foot eleven. My birthday covers three days.C
Darryl Dawkins
Miscellaneous
2He who hesitates is not only lost, but miles from
the next exit.
Unknown
Miscellaneous
/You can't measure time in days the way you can
0money in dollars because every day is different.
Jorge Luis Borges
Miscellaneous
1Times is Nature's way of keeping everything from
happening all at once.
Unknown
MiscellaneousB*If Today Was a Fish, I'd Throw It Back In.C
Song Title
MiscellaneousB From the Gutter to You Ain't Up.C
Song Title
Miscellaneous
3Reality is a crutch for people who can't cope with
drugs.
Lily Tomlin
Miscellaneous
2The best way to lose weight is to get the flu and
take a trip to Egypt.
Roz Lawrence
Miscellaneous
)Anyone who eats three meals a day should
1understand why cookbooks outsell sex books three
to one.
L. M. Boyd
Miscellaneous
/We don't know a millionth of one percent about
anything.
Thomas Alva EdisonE 1847-1931
Miscellaneous
*Something ignoble, loathsome, undignified
0attends all associations between people and has
1been transferred to all object, dwelling, tools,
even the landscape itself.
Bertolt BrechtE 1898-1956
Miscellaneous
/If I had known I was going to live this long I
'would have taken better care of myself.
Unknown
Miscellaneous
/Is sloppiness in speech caused by ignorance or
&apathy? I don't know and I don't care.
William Safire
Miscellaneous
4We had seen the light at the end of the tunnel, and
it was out.
John C. Clancey
Miscellaneous
-B#To err is human, to forgive supine.C
S. J. PerelmanE 1904-1979
MiscellaneousB,What is true is what I can't help believing.C
Oliver Wendell HolmesE 1841-1935
MiscellaneousB)I am the last of Britain's stately homos.C
Quentin Crisp
Miscellaneous
2I didn't want to be rich, I just wanted enough to
get the couch reupholstered.
Kate (Mrs. Zero) Mostel
Miscellaneous
*My father and he had one of those English
/friendships which begin by avoiding intimacies
+and eventually eliminate speech altogether.
Jorge Luis Borges
MiscellaneousB
Shut up he explained.C
Ring LardnerE 1885-1933
MiscellaneousB&She had two complexions, A.M. and P.M.C
Ring LardnerE 1885-1933
Miscellaneous
0He writes so well he makes me feel like putting
my quill back in my goose.
Fred AllenE 1894-1956
Miscellaneous
1If my film makes one more person miserable, I'll
feel I've done my job.
Woody Allen
Miscellaneous
1The cloning of humans is on most of the lists of
/things to worry about from Science, along with
'behavior control, genetic engineering,
,transplanted heads, computer poetry and the
'unrestrained growth of plastic flowers.
Lewis Thomas
MiscellaneousB+No one can earn a million dollars honestly.C
William Jennings BryanE 1860-1925
Miscellaneous
/There are very few Japanese Jews. As a result,
(there is no Japanese word for Alan King.
Johnny Carson
Miscellaneous
1From birth to age 18, a girl needs good parents,
/from 18 to 35 she needs good looks, from 35 to
055 she needs a good personality, and from 55 on
she needs cash.
Sophie TuckerE 1884-1966
MiscellaneousB1Outer space is no place for a person of breeding.C
Lady Violet Bonham CarterE 1887-1969
Miscellaneous
;B/Our national flower is the concrete cloverleaf.C
Lewis Mumford
Miscellaneous
.The only normal people are the ones you don't
know very well.
C Joe Ancis
MiscellaneousB
You sofa-crevice fondler!C
Peter De Vries
Miscellaneous
0Cats are like Baptists. They raise hell but you
can't catch them at it.
Unknown
MiscellaneousB#So little time and so little to do.C
Oscar LevantE 1906-1972
Miscellaneous
-It's a rare person who wants to hear what he
doesn't want to hear.
Dick Cavett
MiscellaneousB2When I hear the word "culture" I reach for my gun.C
Hans JohstE
c. 1939
MiscellaneousB2I like men to behave like men-strong and childish.C
Francoise Sagan
Miscellaneous
-A kleptomaniac is a person who helps himself
because he can't help himself.
Henry Morgan
MiscellaneousB*A hypocrite is a person who-but who isn't?C
Don MarquisE 1878-1937
Miscellaneous
Brain damage reading test:
3People tell me one thing and out the other. I feel
5as much like I did yesterday as I did today. I never
1liked room temperature. My throat is closer than
*it seems. Likes and dislikes are among my
2favorites. No napkin is sanitary enough for me. I
don't like any of my loved ones.
Daniel M. Wegner
Miscellaneous
-The two hardest things to handle in life are
failure and success.
Unknown
Miscellaneous
3Progress might have been all right once but it has
gone on too long.
Ogden NashE 1902-1971
MiscellaneousB2I consider exercise vulgar. It makes people smell.C
Alec Yuill Thornton
Miscellaneous
-There is no human problem which could not be
-solved if people would simply do as I advise.
Gore Vidal
Miscellaneous
+What's on your mind, if you will allow the
overstatement?
Fred AllenE 1894-1956
Miscellaneous
0The young man who has not wept is a savage, and
)the old man who will not laugh is a fool.
George SantayanaE 1866-1952
Miscellaneous
*Though I am not naturally honest, I am so
sometimes by chance.
ShakespeareE 1564-1616
Miscellaneous
,Early to rise and early to bed makes a male
healthy, wealthy and dead.
James ThurberE 1894-1961
Miscellaneous
2I have no relish for the country; it is kind of a
healthy grave.
Sydney SmithE 1771-1845
Miscellaneous
2A farm is an irregular patch of nettles, bound by
1short term notes, containing a fool and his wife
+who didn't know enough to stay in the city.
S. J. PerelmanE 1904-1979
Miscellaneous
.Everything has been figured out except how to
live.
Jean Paul SartreE 1905-1980
Miscellaneous
/Howard Hughes was able to afford the luxury of
-madness like a man who not only thinks he is
'Napoleon but hires an army to prove it.
Ted Morgan
Miscellaneous
3When it is not necessary to make a decision, it is
!necessary not to make a decision.
Lord FalklandE
1610?-1643
Miscellaneous
#This book fills a much needed gap.
[In a review]
Moses HadasE 1900-1966
Miscellaneous
3Thank you for sending me a copy of your book. I'll
waste no time reading it.
Moses Hadas
TE 1900-1966
Miscellaneous
1There are plenty of good five-cent cigars in the
2country. The trouble is they cost a quarter. What
.this country really needs is a good five-cent
nickel.
Franklin P. AdamsE 1881-1960
Miscellaneous
0Being perfectly well-dressed gives a feeling of
1tranquility that religion is powerless to bestow.
Ralph Waldo EmersonE 1803-1882
Miscellaneous
1We are here and it is now. Further than that all
human knowledge is moonshine.
H. L. MenckenE 1880-1956
Miscellaneous
+There is no kind of dishonesty into which
1otherwise good people more easily and frequently
,fall than that of defrauding the government.
Benjamin FranklinE 1706-1790
Miscellaneous
2Don't get the idea that I'm knocking the American
system.
C Al CaponeE 1899-1947
MiscellaneousB*It wasn't raining when Noah built the ark.C
Howard Ruff
Miscellaneous
.The learned are seldom pretty fellows, and in
0many cases their appearance tends to discourage
a love of study in the young.
H. L. MenckenE 1880-1956
Miscellaneous
1There is something going on now in Mexico that I
0happen to think is cruelty to animals. What I'm
*talking about, of course, is cat juggling.
Steve Martin
MiscellaneousB3Truth is beautiful, without doubt; but so are lies.C
Ralph Waldo EmersonE 1803-1882
Miscellaneous
.We will march forward to a better tomorrow so
-long as separate groups like the blacks, the
.Negroes, and the colored can come together to
work out their differences.
[at Redd Foxx roast]
Steve Allen
Miscellaneous
3Ninety-eight percent of the adults in this country
1are decent, hard-working, honest Americans. It's
-the other lousy two percent that get all the
$publicity. But then-we elected them.
Lily Tomlin
Miscellaneous
There is more of them than us.C Herb Caen
Miscellaneous
1Suppose you were an idiot and suppose you were a
(member of Congress. But I repeat myself.
Mark TwainE 1835-1910
MiscellaneousB'Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.C
Phyllis Diller
Miscellaneous
1When I go to the beauty parlor, I always use the
/emergency entrance. Sometimes I just go for an
estimate.
Phyllis Diller
Miscellaneous
-Orthodox medicine has not found an answer to
3your complaint. However, luckily for you, I happen
to be quack.
Richter cartoon caption
MiscellaneousB3One of a hostess's duties is to act as a procuress.C
Marcel ProustE 1871-1922
Miscellaneous
1I've known what it is to be hungry, but I always
went right to a restaurant.
Ring LardnerE 1885-1933
Miscellaneous
/What dreadful hot weather we have! It keeps me
#in a continual state of inelegance.
Jane AustenE 1775-1817
Miscellaneous
2A single sentence will suffice for modern man: He
fornicated and read the papers.
Albert CamusE 1913-1960
Miscellaneous
,The rich are the scum of the earth in every
country.
G. K. ChestertonE 1874-1936
Miscellaneous
-One should never know too precisely whom one
has married.
[On Lohengrin]
Friedrich Wilhelm NietzscheE 1844-1900
Miscellaneous
/I never lecture, not because I am shy or a bad
1speaker, but simply because I detest the sort of
1people who go to lectures and don't want to meet
them.
H. L. MenckenE 1880-1956
MiscellaneousB
Bed is the poor man's opera.C
Italian Proverb
Miscellaneous
1I'd rather be black than gay because when you're
)black you don't have to tell your mother.
Charles Pierce
Miscellaneous
Roses are red, Violets are blue
!I'm a schizophrenic, and so am I.
Frank Crow
MiscellaneousB
I improve on misquotation.C
Cary Grant
MiscellaneousB
Partying is such sweet sorrow.C Jean Kerr
Miscellaneous
/Honest criticism is hard to take, particularly
1from a relative, a friend, an acquaintance, or a
stranger.
Franklin P. Jones
Miscellaneous
1If any cleric or monk speaks jocular words, such
)as provoke laughter, let him be anathema.
Ordinance, Second Council of
Constance
Miscellaneous
2Better that a girl has beauty than brains because
boys see better than they think.
Unknown
Miscellaneous
/I talk to myself because I like dealing with a
better class of people.
Jackie Mason
Miscellaneous
3It is better to have a permanent income than to be
fascinating.
Oscar WildeE 1854-1900
Miscellaneous
2I did not sleep. I never do when I am over-happy,
+over-unhappy, or in bed with a strange man.
Edna O'Brien
Miscellaneous
*Dostoevsky was one of those neurotics who
2recover their health and even their serenity when
disaster at last occurs.
V. S. Pritchett
Miscellaneous
Exit, pursued by bear.
)[Stage direction from "The Winter's Tale]
ShakespeareE
c.1611
Miscellaneous
0I don't make jokes. I just watch the government
and report the facts.
Will RogersE 1879-1935
Miscellaneous
*Even in civilized mankind faint traces of
%monogamous instinct can be perceived.
Bertrand RussellE 1872-1970
Miscellaneous
Thing to do in Burbank:
3 1) Go to the Safeway parking lot for the roller
'skating festival called Holiday on Tar.
Johnny Carson
Miscellaneous
.I would rather be a coward than brave because
$people hurt you when you are brave.
[as a child]
E. M. ForsterE 1879-1970
Miscellaneous
3One day there will be only five kings left, hearts
$spades, diamonds, clubs and England.
King FaroukE 1920-1965
MiscellaneousB*When ideas fail, words come in very handy.C
Johann Wolfgang von GoetheE 1749-1832
Miscellaneous
0Music with dinner is an insult both to the cook
and the violinist.
G. K. ChestertonE 1874-1936
Miscellaneous
/The place of the father in the modern suburban
/family is a very small one, particularly if he
plays golf.
Bertrand RussellE 1872-1970
MiscellaneousB&Avarice is the sphincter of the heart.C
Matthew GreenE
c. 1737
MiscellaneousB1It is easier to be gigantic than to be beautiful.C
Friedrich Wilhelm NietzscheE 1844-1900
MiscellaneousB(By the time we've made it, we've had it.C
Malcolm Forbes
Miscellaneous
B2I only like two kinds of men:domestic and foreign.C
Mae WestE 1892-1980
Miscellaneous
/Where but in Kenya can a man whose grandfather
0was a cannibal watch a really good game of polo?
Marina SulzbergerE 1920-1976
Miscellaneous
(France was a long despotism tempered by
epigrams.
Thomas CarlyleE 1795-1881
MiscellaneousB
Never trust anyone over-dirty.C
Robert Byrne
Miscellaneous
2There are more pleasant things to do than beat up
people.
#[On the occasion of his retirement]
Muhammad Ali
Miscellaneous
/Mirrors and copulation are abomination because
!they increase the numbers of men.
Jorge Luis Borges
Miscellaneous
I don't worry about getting old. I am old. I'm old already. Only young people worry about getting old. When I was 65 I had Cupid's eczema. I don't believe in dying. It's been done. I'm working on a new exit. Besides, I can't die now-I'm booked.C
George Burns
MiscellaneousB)Men who never get carried away should be.C
Malcolm Forbes
Miscellaneous
1If you aren't fired with enthusiasm, you will be
fired with enthusiasm.
Vince LombardiE 1913-1970
Miscellaneous
.When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into
action. They rented out my room.
Woody Allen
Miscellaneous
2The best cure for hypochondria is to forget about
0your body and get interested in somebody else's.
Goodman AceE 1899-1982
Miscellaneous
0New invention: Snap-on acne for people who want
to look younger.
Johnny Carson
MiscellaneousB!Love teaches even asses to dance.C
French Proverb
Miscellaneous
Ammonia is beautiful.C
Bumper sticker
MiscellaneousB
FECK OPUC.C
Bumper sticker
Miscellaneous
$There is one fault that I must find
With the twentieth century.
&And I'll put it in a couple of words:
Too adventury.
/What I'd like would be some nice dull monotony
If anyone's gotony.
Ogden NashE 1902-1971
Miscellaneous
2First secure an independent income, then practice
virtue.
Greek Proverb
Miscellaneous
If called by a panther
Don't anther.
Ogden NashE 1902-1971
Miscellaneous
3What we call real estate-the solid ground to build
,a house on-is the broad foundation on which
+nearly all of the guilt of the world rests.
Nathaniel HawthorneE 1804-1864
Miscellaneous
.I have never liked working. To me a job is an
invasion of privacy.
Danny McGoortyE 1901-1970
Miscellaneous
"Boy, the things I do for England.
[On sampling snake meat.]
Prince Charles
Miscellaneous
)Victory goes to the player who makes the
next-to-last mistake.
Savielly Grigorievitch
Tartakower
E 1887-1956
Miscellaneous
*Of all noises, I think music is the least
disagreeable.
Samuel JohnsonE 1709-1784
Miscellaneous
One, two, three
Buckle my shoe.
Robert BenchleyE 1889-1945
Miscellaneous
4It is rather to be chosen than great riches, unless
-I have omitted something from the quotation.
[Maxim's from the Chinese]
Robert BenchleyE 1889-1945
Miscellaneous
1There must be 500,000 rats in the United States;
)of course I am only speaking from memory.
C Billy NyeE 1850-1896
Miscellaneous B
Newspapermen learn to call a murderer "an alleged murdered" and the King of England "the alleged King of England" to avoid libel suits.C
Stephen Leacock
E 1869-1944
Miscellaneous
0Lord Ronald said nothing; he flung himself from
0the room, flung himself upon his horse and rode
madly off in all directions.
Stephen LeacockE 1869-1944
Miscellaneous
1I do not take a single newspaper, nor read one a
4month, and I feel myself infinitely the happier for
Thomas JeffersonE 1743-1826
Miscellaneous B)Show me a hero and I write you a tragedy.C
F. Scott FitzgeraldE 1896-1940
Miscellaneous
/We can't all be heroes because somebody has to
'sit on the curb and clap as they go by.
Will RogersE 1879-1935
Miscellaneous
,Some things have to be believed to be seen.
[On ESP]
Ralph Hodgson
Miscellaneous
1One of the most astounding cases of clairvoyance
,is that of the noted Greek psychic Achilles
,Loudos. Loudos realized that he had unusual
3powers by the age of ten, when he could lie in bed
/and, by concentrating, make his father's false
teeth jump out of his mouth.
Woody Allen
Miscellaneous
/a cucumber should be well-sliced, dressed with
$pepper and vinegar, then thrown out.
Samuel JohnsonE 1709-1784
Miscellaneous
-Middle age is when you've met so many people
.that every new person you meet reminds you of
someone else.
Ogden NashE 1902-1971
Miscellaneous B(Wagner's music is better than it sounds.C Billy Nye
E 1850-1896
Miscellaneous
2With those delicate features of his he would have
/made a pretty woman, and he probably never has.
Josefa Heifetz
Miscellaneous
+I don't want any yes-men around me. I want
0everybody to tell me the truth even if it costs
them their jobs.
Samuel GoldwynE 1882-1974
Miscellaneous
0The advantage of the emotions is that they lead
us astray.
Oscar WildeE 1854-1900
Miscellaneous
2In the first place, God made idiots. That was for
%practice. Then he made school boards.
Mark TwainE 1835-1910
Miscellaneous
0She wears her clothes as if they were thrown on
with a pitchfork.
Jonathan SwiftE 1667-1745
Miscellaneous B(A man is known by the company he avoids.C
Unknown
Miscellaneous
/Underneath this flabby exterior is an enormous
lack of character.
Oscar LevantE 1906-1972
Miscellaneous
Nobody roots for Goliath.C
Wilt Chamberlain
Miscellaneous B
Keep breathing.C
Sophie TuckerE 1884-1966
Miscellaneous
3If people don't want to come out to the ball park,
nobody's going to stop them.
Yogi Berra
Miscellaneous
/Tradition is what you resort to when you don't
&have the time or money to do it right.
Kurt Herbert AdlerE 1905-1956
Miscellaneous
0It is impossible to imagine Goethe or Beethoven
being good at billiards of golf.
H.L. MenckenE 1880-1956
Miscellaneous B
All truths are half-truths.C
Alfred North WhiteheadE 1861-1947
Miscellaneous B To generalize is to be an idiot.C
William BlakeE 1757-1827
Miscellaneous
5If you look like your passport photo, you're too ill
to travel.
Will Kommen
Miscellaneous
0How can one conceive of a one-party system in a
.country that has over 200 varieties of cheese?
Charles de GaulleE 1890-1970
Miscellaneous
/When you have got an elephant by the hind legs
4and he is trying to run away, it is best to let him
Abraham LincolnE 1809-1865
Miscellaneous B(After three days, fish and guests stink.C John LylyE
1554?-1606
Miscellaneous
*I was born in Australia because my mother
wanted me to be near her.
Unknown
Miscellaneous
3I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I
had about you.
Unknown
Miscellaneous
'The majority of those who put together
1collections of verses or epigrams resemble those
+who eat cherries or oysters; they begin by
/choosing the best and end by eating everything.
Nicolas ChamfortE 1741-1794
Miscellaneous
.If you were a member of Jesse Jame's band and
-people asked you what you were, you wouldn't
2say, "Well, I'm a desperado." You'd say something
5like, "I work in banks," or "I've done some railroad
1work." It took me a long time just to say "I'm a
"writer." It's really embarrassing.
Roy G. Blount, Jr.
Miscellaneous
0It takes about ten years to get used to how old
you are.
Unknown
Miscellaneous B3After all is said and done, more is said than done.C
Unknown
Miscellaneous B In the end, everything is a gag.C
Charlie ChaplinE 1889-1977
Miscellaneous
B-Science has not yet found a cure for the pun.C
Robert Byrne
Miscellaneous
0You appeal to a small, select group of confused
people.
Fortune Cookie
Miscellaneous B
Ignore previous cookie.C
Fortune Cookie
Miscellaneous B
You make God sick!C
Fortune Cookie
Miscellaneous
2There will be a rain dance, Friday night, weather
permitting.
George Carlin
MiscellaneousB
Gifts are like hooks.C
MartialE
c 40-c 104
Miscellaneous
B-Every time a friend succeeds, I die a little.C
Gore Vidal
Miscellaneous
3The goal of all inanimate objects is to resist men
and ultimately defeat him.
Russell Baker
Miscellaneous
1Cleaning anything involves making something else
*dirty, but anything can get dirty without
something else getting clean.
Lawrence J. Peter
MiscellaneousB*Everything changes except the avant garde.C
Paul Val
ryE 1871-1945
Miscellaneous
)If you can't laugh at yourself, make fun
of other people.
Bobby Slayton
Miscellaneous
(The world is divided into two classes -
invalids and nurses.
James McNeil WhistlerE 1834-1903
MiscellaneousB Never mistake motion for action.C
Ernest HemingwayE 1889-1961
Miscellaneous
/Some luck lies in not getting what you thought
1you wanted but getting what you have, which once
/you have got it you may be smart enough to see
)what you would have wanted had you known.
Garrison Keillor
Miscellaneous
4All God's children are not beautiful. Most of God's
*children are, in fact, barely presentable.
Fran Lebowitz
Miscellaneous
0Providence protects children and idiots. I know
because I have tested it.
Mark TwainE 1835-1910
Miscellaneous
(The easiest relationship for me is with
$ten thousand people. The hardest is
with one.
C Joan BaezE
Miscellaneous
/I'll not listen to reason. Reason always means
what someone else has to say.
Elizabeth C. GaskellE 1810-1865
Miscellaneous
.Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't
have to do it himself.
A.H. Weiler
Miscellaneous
0A censor is a man who knows more than he thinks
you ought to.
Granville HicksE 1901-1982
Miscellaneous
-A committee is a cul-de-sac down which ideas
%are lured and then quietly strangled.
Sir Barnett CocksE
c 1907
Miscellaneous
2As scarce as truth is, the supply has always been
in excess of the demand.
Josh BillingsE 1818-1885
Miscellaneous
2I can mend the break of day, heal a broken heart,
.and provide temporary relief to nymphomaniacs.
C Larry Lee
MiscellaneousB#Hell is paved with Good Samaritans.C
William M. Holden
Miscellaneous
/A fanatic is a man who does what he thinks the
/Lord would do if He knew the facts of the case.
Finley Peter DunneE 1867-1936
Miscellaneous
1Never engage in a battle of wits with an unarmed
person.
Unknown
Miscellaneous
1There is one thing to be said for country clubs;
1they drain off a lot of people you wouldn't want
to associate with anyway.
Joseph Prescott
Miscellaneous
)I do not want people to be agreeable, as
'it saves me the trouble of liking them.
Jane AustenE 1775-1817
MiscellaneousB&A friend in need is a friend to dodge.C
Unknown
Miscellaneous
/Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few
*people are interested and from dies of it.
E.B. WhiteE 1899-1985
Miscellaneous
.A lot of people like snow. I find it to be an
unnecessary freezing of water.
Carl Reiner
Miscellaneous
3I've only met four perfect people in my life and I
didn't like any of them.
Unknown
MiscellaneousB
I dote on his very absence.C
William ShakespeareE 1564-1616
Miscellaneous
(You can't depend on your eyes when your
imagination is out of focus.
Mark TwainE 1835-1910
MiscellaneousB$Only dead fish swim with the stream.C
Unknown
Miscellaneous
/There are 350 varieties of shark, not counting
loan and pool.
C L.M. Byrd
MiscellaneousB
When in doubt, duck.C
Malcolm Forbes
Miscellaneous
#American college students are like
American colleges - each has
half-dulled faculties.
James ThurberE 1894-1961
Miscellaneous
#It took me twenty years of studied
-self-restraint, aided by natural decay of my
,faculties, to make myself dull enough to be
,accepted as a serious person by the British
public.
George Bernard ShawE 1856-1950
Miscellaneous
1The longer I live the more I see that I am never
/wrong about anything, and that all the pains I
/have so humbly taken to verify my notions have
only wasted my time.
George Bernard ShawE 1856-1950
Miscellaneous
3Love your enemies in case your friends turn out to
be a bunch of bastards.
R.A. Dickson
Miscellaneous
1One should forgive one's enemies, but not before
they hanged.
Heinrich HeineE 1797-1856
Miscellaneous
.Experience teaches you to recognize a mistake
when you've made it again.
Unknown
Miscellaneous
)Good judgment comes from experience, and
$experience comes from bad judgement.
Barry LePatner
Miscellaneous
0The trouble with using experience as a guide is
/that the final exam often comes first and then
the lesson.
Unknown
Miscellaneous
2It's not what we don't know that hurts, it's what
we know that ain't so.
Will RogersE 1879-1935
Miscellaneous
&The world is a madhouse, so it's only
$right that it is patrolled by armed
idiots.
Brendan BehanE 1923-1964
Miscellaneous
1Consistency requires you to be as ignorant today
as you were a year ago.
Bernard BerensonE 1865-1959
Miscellaneous
2Correct me if I'm wrong, but hasn't the fine line
(between sanity and madness gotten finer?
George Price
Miscellaneous
1The reason lightning doesn't strike twice in the
2same place is that the same place isn't there the
second time.
Willie Tyler
Miscellaneous
&The nail that sticks up gets hammered
down.
Japanese Proverb
Miscellaneous
2You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make
him float.
Unknown
Miscellaneous
2If you want a place in the sun, prepare to put up
with a few blisters.
Abigail Van Buren
Miscellaneous
/I can't believe that out of 100,000 sperm, you
were the quickest.
Steven Pearl
MiscellaneousB
Honesty is the best image.C
Ziggy (Tom Wilson)
MiscellaneousB/Silence is argument carried out by other means.C
Che GuevaraE 1928-1967
Miscellaneous
Soderquist's Paradox:
)There are more horse's asses than horses.
John Peers
Miscellaneous
.What ought to be done to the man who invented
/the celebrating of anniversaries? Mere killing
would be too light.
Mark TwainE 1835-1910
MiscellaneousB(Status quo. Latin for the mess we're in.C
Jeve Moorman
Miscellaneous
1Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the
day after tomorrow.
Mark TwainE 1835-1910
Miscellaneous
/Nobody can make you feel inferior without your
consent.
Eleanor RooseveltE 1884-1962
Miscellaneous
/An intellectual is a person whose mind watches
itself.
Albert CamusE 1913-1960
MiscellaneousB#The average person thinks he isn't.C
Father Larry Lorenzoni
Miscellaneous
.Sleep is an eight-hour peep show of infantile
erotica.
J.G. Ballard
Miscellaneous
,No man can think clearly when his fists are
clenched.
George Jean NathanE 1882-1958
Miscellaneous
.Propaganda is the art of persuading others of
what you don't believe yourself.
C Abba Eban
Miscellaneous
4Never believe anything until it has been officially
denied.
Claud CockburnE 1904-1981
Miscellaneous
0There are only two ways of telling the complete
%truth - anonymously and posthumously.
Thomas Sowell
Miscellaneous
2There is only one thing about which I am certain,
2and that is that there is very little about which
one can be certain.
W. Somerset Maugham
E 1874-1965
Miscellaneous
/Before they made S. J. Pearlman they broke the
mold.
Unknown
MiscellaneousB%Don't jump on a man unless he's down.C
Finley Peter DunneE 1867-1936
Miscellaneous
/Just because your voice reaches halfway around
/the world doesn't mean you are wiser than when
&it reached only to the end of the bar.
Edward R. MurrowE 1908-1965
MiscellaneousB,Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever.C
Napoleon Bonaparte
E 1769-1821
Miscellaneous
-Although prepared for martyrdom, I preferred
that it be postponed.
Winston ChurchillE 1874-1965
Miscellaneous
/The higher the monkey climbs, the more you see
of it's behind.
General Joseph StilwellE 1883-1946
MiscellaneousBAWhat a strange illusion it is to suppose that beauty is goodness.C
Leo TolstoyE 1828-1910
Miscellaneous
1I hate the outdoors. to me the outdoors is where
the car is.
Will Durst
MiscellaneousB+The other day a dog peed on me. A bad sign.C
H.L. MenckenE 1880-1956
MiscellaneousB
Astrology is Taurus.C
F.W. Dedering
Miscellaneous
/Nobody outside of a baby carriage or a judge's
)chamber believes in an unprejudiced view.
Lillian HellmanE 1907-1984
Miscellaneous
Sing Title:
.I can't give you anything but love and a baby.
Willie Tyler
Miscellaneous
1The best audience is intelligent, well-educated,
and a little drunk.
Alben W. BarkleyE 1877-1956
Miscellaneous
3Civilization exists by geological consent, subject
to change without notice.
Will DurantE 1885-1981
Miscellaneous
2In biblical times, a man could have as many wives
$as he could afford. Just like today.
Abigail Van Buren
Miscellaneous
+The first human being who hurled an insult
3instead of a stone was the founder of civilization.
Sigmund FreudE 1856-1939
Miscellaneous
/If politicians and scientists were lazier, how
much happier we should all be.
Evelyn WaughE 1903-1966
Miscellaneous
-If we see the light at the end of the tunnel
$It's the light of an oncoming train.
Robert LowellE 1917-1977
MiscellaneousB%Ninety percent of everything is crap.C
Theodore Sturgeon
Miscellaneous
B1You've always made the mistake of being yourself.C
Eugene Ionesco
Miscellaneous
2There is such a build-up of crud in my oven there
&is only room to bake a single cupcake.
Phyllis Diller
Miscellaneous
.Cleaning your house while your kids are still
3growing is like shoveling the walk before it stops
snowing.
Phyllis Diller
MiscellaneousB
All phone call are obscene.C
Karen Elizabeth Gordon
Miscellaneous
3There is no need to do any housework at all. After
.the first four years the dirt doesn't get any
worse.
Quentin Crisp
MiscellaneousB Coincidences are spiritual puns.C
G.K. ChestertonE 1874-1936
Miscellaneous
2If I had to live my life again, I'd make the same
mistakes, only sooner.
Tallulah BankheadE 1903-1968
Miscellaneous
'Last night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound
/marshmallow, and when I woke up the pillow was
gone.
Tommy Cooper
Miscellaneous
3It's better to be wanted for murder than not to be
wanted at all.
Marty Winch
Miscellaneous
-I have a hundred times wished that one could
/resign life as an officer resigns a commission.
Robert BurnsE 1759-1796
Miscellaneous
.The more he talked of his honor the faster we
counted our spoons.
Ralph Waldo EmersonE 1803-1882
Miscellaneous
1If you tell the truth you don't have to remember
anything.
Mark TwainE 1835-1910
MiscellaneousB
The truth is the safest lie.C Anonymous
Miscellaneous
/No one can have a higher opinion of him than I
,have, and I think he's a dirty little beast.
W.S. GilbertE 1836-1911
MiscellaneousB0The future is much like the present only longer.C
Don Quisenberry
Miscellaneous
0Advertising is the rattling of a stick inside a
swill bucket.
George OrwellE 1903-1950
MiscellaneousB-Winter is nature's way of saying, "Up yours."C
Robert Byrne
Miscellaneous
1I like winter because I can stay indoors without
feeling guilty.
Teressa Skelton
MiscellaneousB"Weather forecast for tonite: dark.C
George Carlin
MiscellaneousB1If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?C
Abraham LincolnE 1809-1865
MiscellaneousB*A person can take only so much comforting.C
Calvin Trillin
Miscellaneous
.I have a rock garden. Last week three of them
died.
Richard Diran
MiscellaneousB.Nice guys finish last, but we get to sleep in.C
Evan Davis
Miscellaneous
1Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the
United States. Ask any indian.
Robert Orben
Miscellaneous
1Few things are harder to put up with than a good
example.
Mark TwainE 1835-1910
Miscellaneous
.I just got wonderful news from my real estate
1agent in Florida. They found land on my property.
Milton Berle
Miscellaneous B.Immigration is the sincerest form of flattery.C Jack Paar
Miscellaneous
.The art of living is more like wrestling than
dancing.
Marcus AureliusE
121-180
Miscellaneous
-We must believe in luck. For how else can we
+explain the success of those we don't like?
Jean CocteauE 1889-1963
Miscellaneous
Hell is other people.C
Jean Paul SartreE 1905-1980
Miscellaneous
0Some people are always late, like the late King
George V.
Spike Milligan
Miscellaneous B0It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.C
Stewart's Law of Retroaction
Miscellaneous
1The popularity of a bad man is as treacherous as
he is himself.
Pliny the YoungerE
c 62- c 113
Miscellaneous B,The hatred of relatives is the most violent.C
TacitusE
c 55-c 117
Miscellaneous
,Every man sees in his relatives a series of
!grotesque caricatures of himself.
H.L. MenckenE 1880-1956
Miscellaneous
2The first Rotarian was the first man to call John
the Baptist "Jack."
H.L. MenckenE 1880-1956
Miscellaneous
3Even if you're on the right track, you'll just get
run over if you just sit there.
Will RogersE 1879-1935
Miscellaneous
1H.L. Mencken suffers from the hallucination that
3he is H.L. Mencken. There is no cure for a disease
of that magnitude.
Maxwell BodenheinE 1893-1954
Miscellaneous
*I prefer rogues to imbeciles because they
sometimes take a rest.
Alexandre Dumas the YoungerE 1824-1895
Miscellaneous
)Is this the party to whom I am speaking.
[As Ernestine, the operator]
Lily Tomlin
Miscellaneous
1Let others praise ancient times; I am glad I was
born in these.
OvidE
43? BC-18 AD
Miscellaneous B*Happiness is good health and a bad memory.C
Ingrid BergmanE 1917-1982
Miscellaneous
/Never keep up with the Joneses. Drag them down
to your level.
Quentin Crisp
Miscellaneous
/People who think they know everything are very
!irritating to those of us who do.
Unknown
Miscellaneous
1I want a house that has got over its troubles. I
1don't want to spend the rest of my life bringing
#up a young and inexperienced house.
Jerome K. JeromeE 1859-1927
Miscellaneous
/There is something about a closet that makes a
skeleton restless.
Unknown
Miscellaneous
1By dint of railing at idiots you run the risk of
becoming idiotic yourself.
Gustave FlaubertE 1821-1880
Miscellaneous B%There is no gravity. The earth sucks.
Graffito
Miscellaneous B.When the going gets tough, the smart get lost.C
Robert Byrne
Miscellaneous
2Miss Erickson looked more peculiar than ever this
+morning. Is her spiritualism getting worse?
Noel CowardE 1899-1973
Miscellaneous B+I shot an arrow into the air, and it stuck.C
Graffito
Miscellaneous
4There's so much pollution in the air now that if it
4weren't for our lungs there'd be no place to put it
Robert Orben
Miscellaneous
/I don't know how old I am because the goat ate
3the Bible that had my birth certificate in it. The
goat lived to be twenty-seven.
Satchel PaigeE
1906?-1982
Miscellaneous B
Nothing ever goes away.C
Barry Commoner
Miscellaneous
2There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation
won't cure.
[To Ed Sullivan (1902-1974)]
Jack E. LeonardE 1911-1973
Miscellaneous
1A lie is an abomination unto the Lord and a very
present help in time of trouble.
Adlai StevensonE 1900-1965
Miscellaneous
+During a carnival men put masks over their
masks.
Xavier ForneretE
Miscellaneous B-One hundred thousand lemmings can't be wrong.C
Graffito
Miscellaneous
1He was the world's only armless sculptor. He put
0the chisel in his mouth and his wife hit him on
#the back of the head with a mallet.
Fred AllenE 1894-1956
Miscellaneous
.Modern art is what happens when painters stop
.looking at girls and persuade themselves that
they have a better idea.
John Ciardi
Miscellaneous
$Either this wallpaper goes or I do.
&[Almost certainly not his last words.]
Oscar WildeE 1854-1900
Miscellaneous
)A life spent making mistakes is not only
2honorable but more useful than a life spent doing
nothing.
George Bernard ShawE 1856-1950
Miscellaneous
%Friends may come and go, but enemies
accumulate.
Thomas Jones
Miscellaneous
+When down in the mouth, remember Jonah. He
came out all right.
Thomas EdisonE 1847-1931
Miscellaneous
/Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I
#was sixty-five I still had pimples.
George Burns
Miscellaneous
3Old age is the only disease you don't look forward
to being cured of.
Citizen KaneE
Miscellaneous
1Start every day off with a smile and get it over
with.
W. C. FieldsE 1880-1946
Miscellaneous
1I took a course in speed reading and was able to
-read "War and Peace" in twenty minutes. It's
about Russia.
Woody Allen
Miscellaneous B
When your IQ rises to 28, sell.C
Professor Irwin Corey
Miscellaneous
1Some people are like popular songs that you only
sing for a short time.
La RochefoucauldE 1613-1680
Miscellaneous
George the Third
Ought never to have occurred.
One can only wonder
At so grotesque a blunder.
Edmund ClerihewE 1875-1956
Miscellaneous
3There are two kinds of pedestrians...the quick and
the dead.
Lord Thomas Robert DewarE 1864-1930
Miscellaneous
.I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You
&couldn't park anywhere near the place.
Steven Wright
Miscellaneous B5I don't have any trouble parking. I drive a forklift.C
Jim Samuels
Miscellaneous B*God help those who do not help themselves.C
Wilson MiznerE 1876-1933
Miscellaneous
*There is only one good substitute for the
)endearments of a sister, and that is the
*endearments of some other fellow's sister.
Josh BillingsE 1818-1885
Miscellaneous
"When smashing monuments, save the
$pedestals-they always come in handy.
Stanislas Lem
Miscellaneous B Great men are not always idiots.C
Karen Elizabeth Gordon
Miscellaneous B#Few great men could pass Personnel.C
Paul GoodmanE 1911-1972
Miscellaneous
.Fanaticism consists of redoubling your effort
!when you have forgotten your aim.
George Santayana E 1863-1952
Miscellaneous
0Mountains appear more lofty the nearer they are
/approached, but great men resemble them not in
this particular.
Lady Marguerite BlessingtonE 1789-1849
Miscellaneous B)There's a great woman behind every idiot.C
John LennonE 1941-1980
Miscellaneous
0Nothing is more conducive to peace of mind than
not having any opinions at all.
Georg Christoph LichtenbergE 1742-1799
Miscellaneous B0The mome rath isn't born that could outgrabe me.C
Nicol Williamson
Miscellaneous
0If you live to the age of a hundred you have it
1made because very few people die past the age of
a hundred.
George Burns
Miscellaneous
2Never accept an invitation from a stranger unless
he gives you candy.
Linda Festa
Miscellaneous
3You can choose your friends, but you have only one
mother.
Max Shulman
Miscellaneous
0One is not superior merely because one sees the
world as odious.
Chateaubriand
pE 1768-1848
Miscellaneous
1If it weren't for the last minute, nothing would
get done.
Unknown
Miscellaneous
2If I were a grave-digger or even a hangman, there
.are some people I could work for with a great
deal of enjoyment.
Douglas JerroldE 1803-1857
Miscellaneous
3It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a
friend.
William BlakeE 1757-1827
Miscellaneous
tB1You are no bigger than the things that annoy you.C
Jerry Bundsen
Miscellaneous B1It is unpleasant to go alone, even to be drowned.C
Russian Proverb
Miscellaneous B!Stay with me; I want to be alone.C
Joey Adams
Miscellaneous
1They make love only during total eclipses of the
1sun because they wouldn't take off their clothes
'unless it was dark in the entire world.
Unknown
Miscellaneous B
We are what we pretend to be.C
Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.
Miscellaneous
Warning to all personnel
+Firings will continue until moral improves.
Unknown
Miscellaneous
#Thank you, but I have other plans.
[Response to "Have a nice day"]
Paul Fussell
Miscellaneous B%Psychics will lead dogs to your body.C
Alleged Fortune Cookie
Miscellaneous
3I don't worry about crime in the streets; it's the
sidewalks I stay off of.
Johnson Letellier
Miscellaneous
.Carney's Law: There's at least a 50-50 chance
(that someone will print the name Craney
incorrectly.
Jim Canrey
Miscellaneous B!Bad spellers of the world, untie!C
Graffito
Miscellaneous
Complete this sentence:
# I never met a man I didn't like
a. to cheat.
b. at first.
c. to avoid.
d. better than you.
Robert Byrne
Miscellaneous
Fix this sentence:
$ He put the horse before the cart.
Stephen Price
Miscellaneous
1I am firm. You are obstinate. He is a pig-headed
fool.
Katharine Whitehorn
Miscellaneous B.A language is a dialect with an army and navy.C
Max WeinreichE 1894-1969
Miscellaneous
4I can't seem to bring myself to say, "Well, I guess
7I'll be toddling along." It isn't that I can't toddle.
$It's that I can't guess I'll toddle.
Robert BenchleyE 1889-1945
Miscellaneous
0Hamlet as performed at the Brooklyn Shakespeare
Festival:
"To be, or what?"
Steven Pearl
Miscellaneous
0Smoking is, as far as I'm concerned, the entire
point of being an adult.
Fran Lebowitz
Miscellaneous
2A steam engine has always got character. It's the
$most human of all man-made machines.
Reverend William Vere Awdry
Miscellaneous
1There is only one word for aid that is genuinely
,without strings, and that word is blackmail.
Colm Brogan
Miscellaneous
/Al didn't smile for forty years. You've got to
admire a man like that.
"Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman"
Miscellaneous B/All professions are conspiracies against laity.C
George Bernard ShawE 1856-1950
Miscellaneous
/Very few people do anything creative after the
0age of thirty-five. The reason is that very few
.people do anything creative before the age of
thirty-five.
Joel HildebrandE 1881-1983
Miscellaneous B
There is no they, only us.C
Bumper sticker
Miscellaneous
3I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in
2last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality.
Phyllis Diller
Miscellaneous
1You can get more with a kind word and a gun than
you can with a kind word alone.
Johnny Carson
Miscellaneous
!I think it would be a good idea.
'[When asked what he thought of Western
civilization]
Mahatma GandhiE 1869-1948
Miscellaneous
*Remember that a kick in the ass is a step
forward.
Unknown
Miscellaneous
&What is algebra, exactly? Is it those
three-cornered things.
J.M. BarrieE 1860-1937
Miscellaneous
.Computers are useless. They can only give you
answers.
Pablo PicassoE 1881-1973
Miscellaneous
0Peace. n. In international affairs, a period of
)cheating between two periods of fighting.
Ambrose BierceE 1842-1914
Miscellaneous
.Let thy maid servant be faithful, strong, and
homely.
Benjamin FranklinE 1706-1790
Miscellaneous
1At twenty-six, Kate, though not promiscuous, had
1slept with most of the decent men in public life.
Renata Adler
Miscellaneous
1The egg cream is psychologically the opposite of
+circumcision-it pleasurably reaffirms your
Jewishness.
Mel Brooks
Miscellaneous B
His absence is good company.C
Scottish Proverb
Miscellaneous
*The happiest liaisons are based on mutual
misunderstanding.
La RochefoucauldE 1613-1680
Miscellaneous B+So many beautiful women and so little time.C
John BarrymoreE 1882-1942
Miscellaneous
2The art of not reading is extremely important. It
2consists in our not taking up whatever happens to
occupy the larger public.
Arthur SchopenhauerE 1788-1860
Miscellaneous B,Nowadays the illiterates can read and write.C
Alberto Moravia
Miscellaneous B A good man is always a beginner.C
MartialE
c 40-c 104
Miscellaneous
-I knew a very interesting Italian woman last
winter, but now she's married.
Percy Bysshe ShelleyE 1792-1822
Miscellaneous B
Gray hair is God's graffiti.C
Bill Cosby
Miscellaneous B The gods too are fond of a joke.C AristotleE
384-322 BC
MiscellaneousB&I really didn't say everything I said.C
Yogi Berra
MiscellaneousB~A committee is a group of important individuals who singly can no nothing but who can together agree that nothing can be done.C
Fred AllenE 1894-1956
MiscellaneousBBPalm Springs University - more than one hundred degrees available.C
Unknown
MiscellaneousB'You can be sincere and still be stupid.C
Unknown
MiscellaneousBRI felt sorry for myself because I had no hands until I met a man who had no chips.C
Kent G. Anderson
MiscellaneousBNMake a bet every day, otherwise you might walk around lucky and never know it.C
Jimmy Jones
MiscellaneousB6I bear no grudges. I have a mind that retains nothing.C
Bette Midler
MiscellaneousBKPeople who sell macram
should be dyed a natural color and hung out to dry.C
Calvin Trillin
Miscellaneous
BsThe only thing standing between you and a watery grave is your wits, and that's not my idea of adequate protection.C
"Beat the Devil"E
MiscellaneousBVIf the rich could hire people to die for them, the poor would make a wonderful living.C
Jewish Proverb
MiscellaneousB
My karma ran over your dogma.C
Unknown
MiscellaneousBRFlying is hours and hours of boredom sprinkled with a few seconds of sheer terror.C
Gregory "Pappy" Boyington
Miscellaneous
B<There is nothing worse than a "now" look with a "then" face.C Dave Falk
MiscellaneousBDThe prime purpose of eloquence is to keep other people from talking.C
Louis Vermeil
MiscellaneousBEThere are some things only intellectuals are crazy enough to believe.C
George OrwellE 1903-1950
Miscellaneous
People performing mime in public should be subject to citizen's arrest on the theory that the normal First Amendment protection of free speech has in effect been waived by someone who has formally adopted a policy of not speaking.C
Calvin Trillin
MiscellaneousB1If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?C
Steven Wright
MiscellaneousBVIt is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle if it is lightly greased.C
John Nesvig
Miscellaneous
B4Time flies like an arrow.
Fruit flies like a banana.C
Lisa Grossman
MiscellaneousBFShe had the Midas touch. Everything she touched turned into a muffler.C
Lisa Smerling
MiscellaneousBAI've always found paranoia to be a perfectly defensible position.C
Pat Conroy
MiscellaneousB
The early worm gets caught.C
John Igo
MiscellaneousBEFamiliarity breeds contempt, but you can't breed without familiarity.C
Maxim Kavolik
MiscellaneousB
Familiarity breeds children.
Mark TwainE 1835-1910
MiscellaneousB`Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools talk because they have to say something.C
PlatoE
427-347 BC
MiscellaneousB.Nietzsche is pietzsche,
But Sartre is smartre.C
Unknown
MiscellaneousB=Help! I'm being held prisoner by my heredity and environment!C
Dennis Allen
MiscellaneousBCDrawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing.C
Robert BenchleyE 1889-1945
Miscellaneous
B+The days of the digital watch are numbered.C
Tom Stoppard
MiscellaneousBPI have never seen a situation so dismal that a policeman couldn't make it worse.C
Brendan BehanE 1923-1964
MiscellaneousB5A clear conscience is often the sign of a bad memory.C
Unknown
MiscellaneousB-Praise does wonders for the sense of hearing.C
Unknown
MiscellaneousB.If I die, I forgive you; if I live, we'll see.C
Spanish Proverb
Miscellaneous
B5A pedestrian is a man whose son is home from college.C
Unknown
MiscellaneousBPMost conversations are simply monologues delivered in the presence of witnesses.C
Margaret Millar
MiscellaneousB8She's descended from a long line her mother listened to.C
Gypsy Rose LeeE 1914-1970
MiscellaneousB-Confusion is always the most honest response.C
Marty Indik
MiscellaneousB&I'm not confused, I'm just well-mixed.C
Robert FrostE 1874-1963
Miscellaneous
B!Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?C
Unknown
MiscellaneousB4If at first you don't succeed, you're about average.C
Unknown
MiscellaneousBLI was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out.C
Steven Wright
MiscellaneousBrWhen I can no longer bear to think of the victims of broken homes, I begin to think of the victims of intact ones.C
Peter De Vries
MiscellaneousB
Thou shalt not admit adultery.C
Hal Lee Luyah
Miscellaneous
Easy Street is a blind alley.C
Unknown
MiscellaneousB2There are two kinds of complainers, men and women.C
Unknown
MiscellaneousB}A hat should be taken off when you greet a lady and left off for the rest of your life. Nothing looks more stupid than a hat.C
P.J. O'Rourke
MiscellaneousB4Toys are made in heaven, batteries are made in hell.C
Tom Robbins
MiscellaneousB3I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.C
Steven Wright
Miscellaneous
B9There's never enough time to do all the nothing you want.C
Bill Watterson
MiscellaneousB
Quote me if I'm wrong.C
Unknown
MiscellaneousB+The only thing I can't stand is discomfort.C
Gloria Steinem
MiscellaneousB.Oh, well, half of one, six dozen of the other.C
Joe Garagiola
MiscellaneousB<The trouble with dawn is that is comes too early in the day.C
Susan Richman
MiscellaneousB7When I think over what I have said, I envy dumb people.C
SenecaE
4 BC - 65 AD
MiscellaneousB4What kills a skunk is the publicity it gives itself.C
Abraham LincolnE 1809-1865
MiscellaneousB;If you have any problems at all, don't hesitate to shut up.C
Robert Mankoff
MiscellaneousB;Fear is that little darkroom where negatives are developed.C
Michael Pritchard
MiscellaneousBZLast night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates.C
Steven Wright
MiscellaneousB5The town where I grew up has a zip code of E-I-E-I-O.
Martin Mull
MiscellaneousBWThey should put expiration dates on clothes so we would know when they go out of style.C
Garry Shandling
MiscellaneousB$Confidence is always overconfidence.C
Robert Byrne
MiscellaneousBHLet a smile be your umbrella, because you're going to get soaked anyway.C
Unknown
MiscellaneousB%Gravity isn't easy, but it's the law.C
Unknown
MiscellaneousB3Queen Elizabeth is the whitest person in the world.C
Bette Midler
Miscellaneous
B'Everybody is who he was in high school.C
Calvin Trillin
MiscellaneousB]I got kicked out of ballet class because I pulled a groin muscle, even though it wasn't mine.C
Rita Rudner
MiscellaneousB$Open your mouth only to change feet.C
Stanley Ralph Ross
MiscellaneousB^Some guy hit my fender, and I said to him, "Be fruitful and multiply," but not in those words.C
Woody Allen
MiscellaneousB1The turn of the century will probably be a woman.C
Unknown
Miscellaneous
B9Isn't Muamar Khadafy the sound a cow makes when sneezing?C
Dave Barry
MiscellaneousBBAll Ireland is washed by the Gulf Stream, except my wife's family.C
Brendan BehanE 1923-1964
MiscellaneousB)Astrology is not an art, it is a disease.C
MaimonidesE 1135-1204
MiscellaneousBIThe closest anyone ever comes to perfection is on a job application form.C
Unknown
MiscellaneousB$So much work, so few women to do it.C
Unknown
Miscellaneous
BOI locked my keys in the car and had to break the windshield to get my wife out.C
Red Skelton
MiscellaneousB7Prostitution, like acting, is being ruined by amateurs.C
Alexander WoollcottE 1887-1943
MiscellaneousB6No man should plant more garden than his wife can hoe.C
Old Saying
MiscellaneousBLIf you have something of importance to say, for God's sake start at the end.C
Sarah Jeanette Duncan
Miscellaneous
*I have just enough white in me to make my
honesty questionable.
Will RogersE 1879-1935
Miscellaneous
2I never believed in Santa Claus because I knew no
+white dude would come into my neighborhood
after dark.
Dick Gregory
Money
/The only way to succeed is to make people hate
Josef von SternbergE 1894-1969
Money
4A man can't get rich if he takes proper care of his
family.
Navajo Proverb
Money
'I believe that the power to make money
is a gift from God.
John D. RockefellerE 1839-1937
Money
3It is the wretchedness of being rich that you have
to live with rich people.
Logan Pearsall SmithE 1865-1946
Money
&Never invest in anything that eats or
needs repairing.
Billy RoseE 1899-1966
Money
,Every morning I get up and look through the
1Forbes list of richest people in America. If I'm
not there, I go to work.
Robert Orben
MoneyB&I enjoy being a highly overpaid actor.C
Roger Moore
Money
/Buy old masters. They bring better prices that
young mistresses.
Lord BeaverbrookE 1879-1964
Money
*The income tax had made liars out of more
Americans than golf.
Will RogersE 1879-1935
Money
2Why is there so much month left at the end of the
money?
Unknown
Money
&Today you can go to a gas station and
$find the cash register open and the
'toilets locked. They must think toilet
paper is worth more than money.
Joey Bishop
Money
2Enjoy money while you have it. Shrouds don't have
pockets.
Virginia Esberg
Money
%It is no disgrace to be poor, but it
might as well be.
Jim Grue
Money
$He's so short...he can stand on his
wallet.
Jewish mother
Money
0Business is a good game-lots of competition and
.a minimum of rules. You keep score with money.
Nolan Bushnell
Money
,Economists are people who work with numbers
)but who don't have the personality to be
accountants.
Unknown
Money
0An economist's guess is liable to be as good as
anybody else's.
Will RogersE 1879-1935
Money
1Mathematics has given economics rigor, but alas,
also mortis.
Robert Heilbroner
Money
/Money is good for bribing yourself through the
inconveniences of live.
Gottfried Reinhardt
Money
4A billion here, a billion there-pretty soon it adds
up to real money.
Senator Everett DirksenE 1896-1969
Money
.I have enough money to last me the rest of my
life, unless I buy something.
Jackie Mason
Money
2The rich have a passion for bargains as lively as
it is pointless.
Francoise Sagan
Money
.Whoever said money can't buy happiness didn't
know where to shop.
Unknown
MoneyB*Behind every great fortune there is crime.C
Honore de BalzacE 1799-1850
Money
1The richer your friends, the more they will cost
Elisabeth MarburyE 1856-1933
MoneyB.Money is always there, but the pockets change.C
Gertrude SteinE 1874-1946
Money
'There must be more to life than having
everything.
Maurice Sendak
Money
2If women didn't exist, all the money in the world
would have no meaning.
Aristotle OnassisE 1906-1975
Money
-Better to be nouveau than never to have been
riche at all.
Unknown
Money
1Save a little money each month and at the end of
/the year you'll be surprised at how little you
have.
Ernest Haskins
Money
/My problem lies in reconciling my gross habits
with my net income.
Errol FlynnE 1909-1959
Money
/Any man who has $10,000 left when he dies is a
failure.
Errol FlynnE 1909-1959
MoneyB The wages of sin are unreported.C
Unknown
Money
/I'm living so far beyond my income that we may
"almost be said to be living apart.
e.e. cummingsE 1894-1962
MoneyB0To get back on your feet, miss two car payments.C
Unknown
Money
0When I first arrived in this country I had only
0fifteen cents in my pocket and a willingness to
compromise.
Weber cartoon caption
MoneyB2Is it a bigger crime to rob a bank or to open one?C Ted Allan
MoneyBITwo can live as cheaply as one. Take the bird and the horse, for example.C
Unknown
MoneyB,I don't like money, but it quiets my nerves.C Joe LouisE 1914-1981
MoneyBKI wish Karl would accumulate some capital instead of just writing about it.C
Karl Marx's Mother
MoneyBDMoney can't buy friends, but it can get you a better class of enemy.C
Spike Milligan
MoneyB,Money won is twice as sweet as money earned.C
"The Color of Money"
MoneyB-Alimony is always having to say you're sorry.C
Philip J. Simborg
Money
AENever get deeply in debt to someone who cried at the end of Scarface.
Robert S. Wieder
MoneyBYThe rule is not to talk about money with people who have much more or much less than you.C
Katherine Whitehorn
Money
BEThe way to make money is to buy when blood is running in the streets.C
John D. RockefellerE 1839-1937
MoneyBOI don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.C
Dorothy ParkerE 1893-1967
MoneyBJI don't have a bank account, because I don't know my mother's maiden name.C
Paula Poundstone
MoneyB:I had plastic surgery last week. I cut up my credit cards.C
Henny Youngman
MoneyB2Consequences, shmonsequences, as long as I'm rich.C
Daffy Duck
MoneyBIA foundation is a large body of money surrounded by people who want some.C
Dwight MacdonaldE 1906-1983
MoneyB<The upper crust is a bunch of crumbs held together by dough.C
Joseph A. ThomasE 1906-1977
MoralityB(O Lord, help me to be pure, but not yet.C
St. AugustineE
354-430
MoralityB"An evil mind is a constant solace.C
Unknown
Morality
/A thing worth having is a thing worth cheating
W. C. FieldsE 1880-1946
Morality
He without benefit of scruples
"His fun and money soon quadruples.
Ogden NashE 1902-1971
Morality
/Living with a conscience is like driving a car
with the brakes on.
Budd Schulberg
Morality
.In order to preserve your self-respect, it is
%sometimes necessary to lie and cheat.
Robert Byrne
Morality
1It has been my experience that folks who have no
vices have very few virtues.
Abraham LincolnE 1809-1865
MoralityB
The price of purity is purists.C
Calvin Trillin
MothersBMWhen Sears comes out with a riding vacuum cleaner, then I'll clean the house.C
Roseanne Barr
MothersBZMy mom was fair. You never knew whether she was going to swing with her left or her right.C Herb Caen
MothersBxAs a housewife, I feel that if the kids are still alive when my husband gets home from work, then hey, I've done my job.C
Roseanne Barr
Mothers
.B?My mother always phones me and asks, "Is everything all wrong?"C
Richard Lewis
Movies
/There is nothing wrong with Hollywood that six
$first-class funerals wouldn't solve.
Unknown
Movies
3The length of a film should be directly related to
#the endurance of the human bladder.
Alfred HitchcockE 1899-1980
MoviesB2A team effort is a lot of people doing what I say.C
Michael Winner
Movies
0When Elizabeth Taylor meets a man she takes him
1and squeezes the life out of him and then throws
away the pulp.
Eddie Fisher's mother
Movies
0Else Lanchester looks as though butter wouldn't
$melt in her mouth, or anywhere else.
Maureen O'Hara
Movies
/They used to photograph Shirley Temple through
)gauze. They should photograph me through
linoleum.
Tallulah BankheadE 1903-1968
Movies
0Clark Gable's ears make him look a taxicab with
the doors open.
Howard HughesE 1905-1976
Movies
5If you get to be a really big headliner, you have to
2be prepared for people throwing bottles at you in
the night.
Mick Jagger
MoviesB,You have to have a talent for having talent.C
Ruth GordonE 1897-1985
Movies
+Now that I'm over sixty I'm veering toward
respectability.
Shelley Winters
Movies
1A starlet is any woman under thirty not actively
employed in a brothel.
Unknown
MoviesBQIf it weren't for the Japanese and Germans, we wouldn't have any good war movies.C
Stanley Ralph Ross
MurderB,One murder makes a villain, millions a hero.C
Beilby PorteusE 1731-1808
Murder
/If once a man indulges himself in murder, very
3soon he comes to think little of robbing; and from
&robbing he next comes to drinking and
2Sabbath-breaking, and from that to incivility and
procrastination.
Thomas De QuinceyE 1785-1859
Murder
1A murderer is one who is presumed to be innocent
until proven insane.
Unknown
MurderB0Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.C
Groucho MarxE 1890-1977
Music
-There is no law against composing music when
*one has no ideas whatsoever. The music of
&Wagner, therefore, is perfectly legal.
The National, ParisE
Music
2The prelude to Tristan and Isolde sounded as if a
1bomb had fallen on a large music factory and had
$thrown all the notes into confusion.
The Tribune, BerlinE
Music
0The prelude to Tristan and Isolde reminds me of
)the Italian painting of the martyr whose
-intestines are slowly being unwound from his
body on a reel.
Edward HanslickE 1825-1904
Music
+Wagner drives the nail into your head with
swinging hammer blows.
P. A. FiorentinoE 1806-1864
Music
/Answer to the question: Do you spell your name
with a V, Mr. Vagner?
Steve Allen
Music
0A gentleman is a man who can play the accordion
but doesn't.
Unknown
Music
0There are some experiences in life which should
/not be demanded twice from any man, and one of
(them is listening to the Brahms Requiem.
George Bernard ShawE 1856-1950
Music
0Classical music is music written by famous dead
foreigners.
Arlene Heath
Music
0The main thing the public demands of a composer
is that he be dead.
Arthur HoneggerE 1892-1955
MusicB
Do it big, or stay in bed.C
Larry Kelly
Music
2I only know two pieces - one is Clair de Lune and
the other one isn't.
Victor Borge
Music
1Elvis Presley had nothing to do with excellence,
just myth.
Marlon Brando
Music
-Anybody who has listened to certain kinds of
0music, or read certain kinds of poetry, or head
1certain kinds of performances on the concertina,
/will admit that even suicide has it's brighter
aspects.
Stephen LeacockE 1869-1944
MusicB#MTV is the lava lamp of the 1980's.C
Doug Ferrari
Music
/When I was young we didn't have MTV; we had to
take drugs and go to concerts.
Steven Pearl
MusicB)Music is essentially useless, as life is.
George SantayanaE 1863-1952
Music
/Too many pieces of music finish too long after
the end.
Igor StravinskyE 1882-1971
Music
,My music is best understood by children and
animals.
Igor StravinskyE 1882-1971
Music
.You want something by Bach? Which one, Johann
Sebastian or Jacques Offen?
Victor Borge
Music
.Even Bach cones down to the basic suck, blow,
suck, blow, suck, blow.
[On the Harmonica]
Larry Adler
Music
2Classical music is the kind we keep thinking will
turn into a tune.
Kin HubbardE 1868-1930
Music
0Opera in English is, in the main, just about as
sensible as baseball in Italian.
H.L. MenckenE 1880-1956
Music
1I tried to resist his overtures, but he plied me
.with symphonies, quartets, chamber music, and
cantatas.
S.J. PerelmanE 1904-1979
Music
VB1Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.C
VoltaireE 1694-1778
Music
Massenet
Never wrote a Mass in A.
It'd have been just too bad
If he had.
Anthony Butts
MusicB+No statue has ever been put up to a critic.C
Jean SibeliusE 1865-1957
Music
.Music played at weddings always reminds me of
2the music played for soldiers before they go into
battle.
Heinrich HeineE 1797-1856
Music
2I don't know anything about music. In my line you
don't have to.
Elvis PresleyE 1935-1977
MusicB!Hell is full of musical amateurs.C
George Bernard ShawE 1856-1950
MusicB
No sane man will dance.C
CiceroE 106-43 BC
MusicB2Rock and roll is the hamburger that ate the world.C
Peter York
MusicB-Use an accordion, go to jail! That's the law.C
Bumper sticker
MusicB'Without music, life would be a mistake.C
Friedrich Wilhelm NietzscheE 1844-1900
Music
`BOI have played over the music of that scoundrel Brahms. What a giftless bastard.C
Peter Ilyich TchaikovskyE 1840-1893
MusicB
If Beethoven had been killed in a plane crash at the age of twenty-two, it would have changed the history of music... and of aviation.C
Tom Stoppard
MusicB"Bach in an hour. Offenbach sooner.C
Sign on Music Store
MusicB[I was involved in the Great Folk Music Scare back in the sixties, when it almost caught on.C
Martin Mull
Music
dBFWe aren't worried about posterity; we want it to sound good right now.C
Duke EllingtonE 1899-1974
eA NeighborsB:He who lives far from neighbors may safely praise himself.C
ErasmusE 1466-1536
New YorkBEA person who speaks good English in New York sounds like a foreigner.C
Jackie Mason
New YorkB\New York is an exciting town where something is happening all the time, most of it unsolved.C
Johnny Carson
New York
hBTAn interesting thing about New York City is that the subways run through the sewers.C
Garrison Keillor
New YorkBROn a New York subway you get fined for spitting, but you can throw-up for nothing.C
Lewis Grizzard
New YorkBXNew York City is filled with the same kind of people I left New Jersey to get away from.C
Fran Lebowitz
New YorkBYOn New Year's Eve, people in New Jersey stay up till midnight and watch their hopes drop.C
Richard Lewis
New York
lBcIf you want to be safe on the streets at night, carry a projector and slides of your last vacation.C
Helen Mundis
ParentsB*I can't believe I forgot to have children.C
Unknown
Parents
.If God wanted sex to be fun, He wouldn't have
included children as punishment.
Ed Bluestone
Parents
0I am determined my children shall be brought up
1in their father's religion, if they can find out
what it is.
Charles LambE 1775-1834
Parents
3I could now afford all the things I never had as a
kid, if I didn't have kids.
Robert Orben
Parents
/My mother had a great deal of trouble with me,
but I think she enjoyed it.
Mark TwainE 1835-1910
Parents
2I'll probably never have children because I don't
*believe in touching people for any reason.
Paula Poundstone
Parents
/I take my children everywhere, but they always
find their way back home.
Robert Orben
Parents
'My parents put a live teddy bear in my
crib.
Woody Allen
Parents
3I phoned my dad to tell him I had stopped smoking.
He called me a quitter.
Steven Pearl
Parents
/Never lend your ear to anyone to whom you have
given birth.
Erma Bombeck
Parents
0The best revenge is to live long enough to be a
problem to your children.
Unknown
Parents
2Children today are tyrants. They contradict their
0parents, gobble their food, and tyrannize their
teachers.
SocratesE
470 BC-399 BC
ParentsB0One father is more than a hundred schoolmasters.C
George HerbertE 1593-1633
ParentsB,An ounce of mother is worth a ton of priest.C
Spanish Proverb
Parties
+Never give a party if you will be the most
interesting person there.
Mickey Friedman
PartiesB Support wildlife. Throw a party.C
Unknown
Parties
(Cockroaches and socialites are the only
&things that can stay up all night and
eat anything.
C Herb Caen
PartiesB(Never mistake endurance for hospitality.C
Unknown
PartiesB*Nothing spoils a good party like a genius.C
Elsa MaxwellE 1883-1963
Parties
0For a single woman, preparing for company means
(wiping the lipstick off the milk carton.
Elayne Boosler
Parties
"In America, you can always find a
)party. In Russia, the party always finds
Yakov Smirnoff
Parties
/The best thing about a cocktail party is being
asked to it.
Gerald Nachman
PeopleB>Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome.C
Oscar LevantE 1906-1972
PeopleB*I hate people. People make me pro-nuclear.C
Margaret "Stevie" SmithE 1902-1971
Philosophy
/I have a simple philosophy. Fill what's empty.
+Empty what's full. Scratch where it itches.
Alice Roosevelt LongworthE 1884-1980
Philosophy
.I know the answer! The answer lies within the
.heart of all mankind! The answer is twelve? I
think I'm in the wrong building.
Charles Schultz
Poetry
2There is no money in poetry, but then there is no
poetry in money, either.
Robert Graves
PoetryB+This poem will never reach its destination.C
VoltaireE 1694-1778
Poetry
0I hope one or two immortal lyrics will come out
of all this tumbling around.
/(On her love affair with poet Theodore Roethke)
Louis BoganE 1898-1970
Poetry
1I write poetry not for publication but merely to
/kill time. Airplanes are a good place to write
)poetry and then firmly throw it away. My
0collected works are mostly on the vomit bags of
Pan American and TWA.
Charles McCabeE 1915-1983
Poetry
0The writing of more than 75 poems in any fiscal
,year should be punishable by a fine of $500.
Ed Sanders
PoetryB(Show me a poet and I'll show you a shit.C
A.J. LieblingE 1904-1963
Politicians
1I tremble for my country when I reflect that God
is just.
Thomas JeffersonE 1743-1826
Politicians
4If you weren't such a great man you'd be a terrible
bore.
[To her husband]
Mrs. William Gladstone
Politicians
/He speaks to me as if I were a public meeting.
[On Gladstone]
Queen VictoriaE 1819-1901
PoliticiansB.Harding was not a bad man, he was just a slob.C
Alice Roosevelt LongworthE 1884-1980
Politicians
/The only man, woman, or child who ever wrote a
'simple declarative sentence with seven
grammatical errors is dead.
%[On death of Warren G. Harding, 1923]
e.e. cummingsE 1894-1962
Politicians
0In 1932, lame duck President Herbert Hoover was
2so desperate to remain in the White House that he
*dressed up as Eleanor Roosevelt. When FDR
1discovered the hoax in 1936, the two men decided
.to stay together for the sake of the children.
Johnny Carson
Politicians
0The Arabs are a backward people who eat nothing
but camel dung.
Winston ChurchillE 1874-1965
Politicians
.Things have never been more like the way they
are today in history.
Dwight David EisenhowerE 1890-1969
Politicians
2Nixon is a shifty-eyed goddamn liar...He's one of
2the few in the history of this country to run for
3high office talking out of both sides of his mouth
-at the same time and lying out of both sides.
Harry S TrumanE 1884-1972
PoliticiansB
I would have made a good Pope.C
Richard M. Nixon
Politicians
2How do you like that guy? Can't run six balls and
$he's President of the United States.
Johnny Irish
Politicians
0Henry Kissinger may have wished I had presented
-him as a combination of Charles DeGaulle and
5Disraeli, but I didn't...out of respect for DeGaulle
2and Disraeli. I described him as a cowboy because
.that is how he described himself. If I were a
"cowboy I would have been offended.
Oriana Fallaci
Politicians
1Gerry Ford is a nice guy, but he played too much
football with his helmet off.
L.B. JohnsonE 1908-1973
Politicians
2I never trust a man unless I've got his pecker in
my pocket.
L.B. JohnsonE 1908-1973
Politicians
.Sometimes when I look at my children I say to
3myself, "Lillian, you should have stayed a virgin."
Lillian Carter
Politicians
0I see the world in a very fluid, contradictory,
.emerging, interconnected terms, and with that
4kind of circuitry I just don't feel the need to say
+what is going to happen or will not happen.
Jerry Brown
Politicians
2Ronald Reagan is not a typical politician because
3he doesn't know how to lie, cheat, and steal. He's
always had an agent for that.
Bob Hope
Politicians
%Ronald Reagan is the Fred Astaire of
foot-in-mouth disease.
Jeff Davis
Politicians
-Never forget that the most powerful force on
earth is love.
Nelson RockefellerE 1908-1979
Politicians
1Sure Reagan promised to take senility tests. But
what if he forgets?
Lorna Kerr-Walker
Politicians
-Ronald Reagan is the most ignorant president
since Warren Harding.
Ralph Nader
PoliticiansB*Nancy Reagan fell down and broke her hair.C
Johnny Carson
Politicians
3Well, I would-if they realized that we-again if-if
0we led them back to that stalemate only because
3that our retaliation power, our seconds, or strike
+at them after our first strike would be so
/destructive that they couldn't afford it, that
would hold them off.
Ronald Reagan
Politicians
0Nixon, Ford, Carter, Reagan-a Mount Rushmore of
incompetence.
David Steinberg
Politicians
/When I was a boy I was told that anybody could
.become President; I'm beginning to believe it.
Clarence DarrowE 1857-1938
Politicians
0I'd rather entrust the government of the United
-States to the first 400 people listed in the
2Boston telephone directory than to the faculty of
Harvard University.
William F. Buckley
Politicians
2The only thing that saves us from the bureaucracy
is its inefficiency.
Eugene McCarthy
Politicians
0We have a crisis of leadership in this country.
/where are the Washingtons, the Jeffersons, and
0the Jacksons? I'll tell you where they are-they
1are playing professional football and basketball.
Unknown
Politicians
0It is inaccurate to say I hate everything. I am
*strongly in favor of common sense, common
+honesty, and common decency. This makes me
)forever ineligible for any public office.
H.L. MenckenE 1880-1956
Politicians
+What this country needs is more unemployed
politicians.
Edward Langley
Politics
&Democracy substitutes election by the
)incompetent many for appointment for the
corrupt few.
George Bernard ShawE 1856-1950
Politics
/America has been discovered before, but it has
always been hushed up.
Oscar WildeE 1854-1900
PoliticsB"The 100% American is 99% an idiot.C
George Bernard ShawE 1856-1950
Politics
.A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can
%always depend on the support of Paul.
George Bernard ShawE 1856-1950
Politics
)And that's the world in a nutshell - an
appropriate receptacle.
C Stan Dunn
Politics
-Men and nations behave wisely once they have
!exhausted all other alternatives.
C Abba Eban
PoliticsB+What luck for rulers that men do not think.C
Adolf HitlerE 1889-1945
Politics
2Every government is run by liars and nothing they
say can be believed.
I. F. Stone
Politics
0It is dangerous to be right when the government
is wrong.
VoltaireE 1694-1778
Politics
2Patriotism is the veneration of real estate above
principles.
George Jean NathanE 1882-1958
Politics
1Patriotism is a pernicious, psychopathic form of
idiocy.
George Bernard ShawE 1856-1950
Politics
0There is but one way for a newspaperman to look
!at a politician and that is down.
Frank H. SimondsE 1878-1936
PoliticsB
Don't burn the flag; wash it.C
Norman ThomasE 1884-1968
Politics
2The reason there are so few female politicians is
1that it is too much trouble to put makeup on two
faces.
Maureen Murphy
Politics
+Democracy is being allowed to vote for the
candidate you dislike least.
Robert Byrne
Politics
3Diplomacy is the art of saying "Nice doggie" until
you can find a rock.
Will Rogers
E 1879-1935
Politics
.An honest politician is one when he is bought
stays bought.
Simon CameronE 1799-1889
Politics
.A communist is a person who publicly airs his
dirty Lenin.
Jack Pomeroy
Politics
,A Conservative is a man who wants the rules
2changed so that no one can make a pile the way he
Gregory Nunn
Politics
-Liberals feel unworthy of their possessions.
+Conservatives feel they deserve everything
they've stolen.
C Mort Sahl
Politics
/A Conservative doesn't want anything to happen
.for the first time; a liberal feels it should
happen, but not now.
C Mort Sahl
Politics
0Conservatives are satisfied with present evils;
,liberals want to replace them with new ones.
Unknown
Politics
/They dug up an ancient Chinese emperor a while
,back who was encased in Jade. I prefer gold.
Ed Koch
Politics
0Too bad the only people who know how to run the
/country are busy driving cabs and cutting hair.
George Burns
Politics
2Those who are too smart to engage in politics are
,punished by being governed by those who are
dumber.
PlatoE
427?-348? BC
PoliticsBYPolitics is a means of preventing people from taking part in what properly concerns them.C
Paul Val
ryE 1871-1945
PoliticsBIPolitics consists of choosing between the disastrous and the unpalatable.C
John Kenneth Galbraith
PoliticsB>Democracy is the name we give to the people when we need them.C Robert Pelleve, Marquis de FlersE 1872-1927
PoliticsB'There has never been a good government.C
Emma GoldmanE 1869-1940
PoliticsB8No more good must be attempted than the public can bear.C
Thomas JeffersonE 1743-1826
Politics
BSThomas Jefferson's slaves loved him so much they called him by a special name: Dad.C
Mark Russell
PoliticsBHWhen the asked George Washington for his ID, he just took out a quarter.C
Steven Wright
PoliticsB/George Bush is Gerald Ford without the pizzazz.C
Pat Paulsen
PoliticsBfA promising young man should go into politics so that he can go on promising for the rest of his life.C
Robert Byrne
Politics
BFA politician is a man who approaches every problem with an open mouth.C
Adlai StevensonE 1900-1965
PoliticsBxA politician can appear to have his nose to the grindstone while straddling a fence and keeping both ears to the ground.C
Unknown
PoliticsB}My grandmother's brain was dead, but her heart was still beating. It was the first time we ever had a Democrat in the family.C
Emo Philips
Politics
BpNo matter what your religion, you should try to become a government program, for then you have everlasting life.C
Lynn Martin
PoliticsB
Most isms are wasms.C
Gerald Vision
PoliticsB6[Campaign Slogan] We've upped our standards. Up yours.C
Pat Paulsen
PoliticsB;If Roosevelt were alive today, he'd turn over in his grave.C
Samuel GoldwynE 1882-1974
PoliticsBEWhen they circumcised Herbert Samuel, they threw away the wrong part.C
David Lloyd GeorgeE 1863-1945
Politics
BMEarly today the senator called a spade a spade. He later issued a retraction.C
Joe Mirachi
PoliticsB(Voters want a fraud they can believe in.C
Will Durst
PoliticsB+A penny saved is a Congressional oversight.C
Hal Lee Luyah
PoliticsB
Are the people who run for president really the best in a country of 240 million? If so, something has happened to the gene pool.C
Bob McKenzie
PoliticsB8Nonviolence is a flop. The only bigger flop is violence.C Joan Baez
Politics
B(Nonviolence is fine as long as it works.C Malcolm XE 1925-1965
A PrejudiceB
Prejudices save time.C
Robert Byrne
Presidents
4If the Republicans will stop telling lies about the
0Democrats, we will stop telling the truth about
them.
Adlai StevensonE 1900-1965
Presidents
0In America, anyone can become president. That's
one of the risks you take.
Adlai StevensonE 1900-1965
Presidents
1Calvin Coolidge didn't say much, and when he did
he didn't say much.
Will RogersE 1879-1935
Presidents
/I think the American public wants a solemn ass
2as president. And I think I'll go along with them.
Calvin CoolidgeE 1872-1933
PresidentsB2He's alive but unconscious, just like Gerald Ford.C
AirplaneE
PresidentsB%Your public servants serve you right.C
Adlai StevensonE 1900-1965
Presidents
4It's the responsibility of the media to look at the
1president with a microscope, but they go too far
when they use a proctoscope.
Richard M. Nixon
Presidents
(When we got into office, the thing that
&surprised me the most was that things
%were as bad as we'd been saying they
were.
John F. KennedyE 1917-1963
Presidents
1I have left orders to be awakened at any time in
-case of national emergency, even if I'm in a
Cabinet meeting.
Ronald Reagan
Presidents
+Ronald Reagan is the first president to be
-accompanied by a Silly Statement Repair Team.
Mark Russell
Presidents
/I'm glad Reagan is president. Of course, I'm a
professional comedian.
Will Durst
PresidentsB/Reagan is proof that there is life after death.C Mort Sahl
Presidents
1There is no distinctly American criminal class -
except Congress.
Mark TwainE 1835-1910
Presidents
.They should stop calling Reagan and Gorbachev
0the two most powerful men in the world. Between
,the two of them they couldn't bench press a
hundred pounds.
Al Ordover
Presidents
0Gary Hart is just Jerry Brown without the fruit
flies.
Robert Strauss
Presidents
5I never did give anybody hell. I just told the truth
and they thought it was hell.
Harry S TrumanE 1884-1972
Presidents
+I can think of nothing more boring for the
4American people than to have to sit in their living
2rooms for a whole half hour looking at my face on
their television screens.
Dwight David EisenhowerE 1890-1969
Presidents
3Do you realize the responsibility I carry? I'm the
1only person standing between Nixon and the White
House.
[In 1960]
John F. KennedyE 1917-1963
Presidents
,I'm not sure I've even got the brains to be
President.
Barry GoldwaterE
Presidents
5I would not like to be a political leader in Russia.
)They never know when they're being taped.
Richard M. Nixon
Presidents
2The thought of being president frightens me and I
do not think I want the job.
Ronald ReaganE
Presidents
1God! The country that produced George Washington
'has got this collection of crumb-bums!
![On 1980 presidential candidates]
Barbara TuchmanE 1912-1989
Presidents
0Reagan won because he ran against Jimmy Carter.
(Had he run unopposed he would have lost.
C Mort Sahl
PresidentsB1Ronald Reagan is a triumph of the embalmer's art.C
Gore Vidal
Presidents
1Ronald Reagan's platform seems to be: Hey, I'm a
/big good looking guy and I need a lot of sleep.
Roy G. Blount, Jr.
Presidents
/Walter Mondale has all the charisma of a speed
bump.
Will Durst
Presidents
0You've got to be careful quoting Ronald Reagan,
2because when you quote him accurately it's called
mudslinging.
Walter Mondale
Presidents
-Women are being considered as candidates for
2Vice President of the United States because it is
0the worst job in America. It's amazing that men
3will take it. A job with real power is First Lady.
2I'd be willing to run for that. As far as the men
2who are running for President are concerned, they
aren't even people I would date.
Nora Ephron
Presidents
0The man with the best job in the country is the
1Vice President. All he has to do is get up every
'morning and say, "How's the President?"
Will RogersE 1879-1935
Presidents
-The vice-presidency ain't worth a pitcher of
warm spit.
Vice President John Nance
Garner
E 1868-1967
Procrastination
BJThere are two kinds of people, those who finish what they start and so on.C
Robert Byrne
Proverbs
3It is better to be a coward for a minute than dead
for the rest of your life.
Irish Proverb
ProverbsB)The reverse side also has a reverse side.C
Japanese Proverb
ProverbsB
Tell the truth and run.C
Yugoslavian Proverb
Proverbs
3Do not insult the mother alligator until after you
have crossed the river.
Haitian Proverb
Proverbs
Too clever is dumb.C
German Proverb
Proverbs
.The Irish ignore anything they can't drink or
punch.
Irish Proverb
Proverbs
.If God lived on earth, people would break his
windows.
Jewish Proverb
ProverbsB2It is nothing, they are only thrashing my husband.C
Portuguese Proverb
Proverbs
,When the cat and mouse agree, the grocer is
ruined.
Persian Proverb
Proverbs
/I do not say a proverb is amiss when aptly and
2reasonably applied, but to be forever discharging
+them, right or wrong, hit or miss, renders
conversation insipid and vulgar.
Miguel CervantesE 1547-1616
ProverbsB-Wise men make proverbs but fools repeat them.C
Samuel PalmerE
c. 1710
ProverbsB
Two leaps per chasm is fatal.C
Chinese Proverb
Psychiatry
0Psychoanalysis is that mental illness for which
it regards itself a therapy.
Karl Kraus
E 1874-1936
PsychiatryB/Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.C C.G. JungE 1875-1961
PsychiatryB,Psychiatry is the care of the id by the odd.C
Unknown
Psychiatry
.After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist
1said something that brought tears to my eyes. He
said, "No hablo ingles."
Ronnie Shakes
Psychiatry
0Doctors and lawyers must go to school for years
2and years, often with little sleep and with great
sacrifice to their first wives.
Roy G. Blount, Jr.
A PsychosesB!Schizophrenia beats dining alone.C
Unknown
A Psychoses
-When we talk to God, we're praying. When God
!talks to us, we're schizophrenic.
Lily Tomlin
A Psychoses
1When dealing with the insane, the best method is
to pretend to be sane.
Hermann HesseE 1877-1962
A PsychosesB#I don't really trust a sane person.C
Lyle Alzado
A Psychoses
0Sometimes when you look in his eyes you get the
%feeling that someone else is driving.
David Letterman
A Psychoses
2I'm going to give my psychoanalyst one more year,
then I'm going to Lourdes.
Woody Allen
Quotations
1It is a good thing for an uneducated man to read
books of quotations.
Winston ChurchillE 1874-1965
QuotationsB
I hate quotations.
Ralph Waldo
Emerson
E 1803-1882
Quotations
1Quotations are the columnist's bullpen. Stealing
+someone else's words frequently spares the
!embarrassment of eating your own.
Peter Anderson
QuotationsB.It is better to be quotable than to be honest.C
Tom Stoppard
QuotationsBBNext to the originator of a great quote is the first quoter of it.C
Ralph Waldo EmersonE 1803-1882
Religion
3In England there are sixty different religions and
only one sauce.
Francesco CaraccioloE 1752-1799
Religion
0Living with a saint is more grueling than being
Robert Neville
Religion
2He was of the faith chiefly in the sense that the
0church he currently did not attend was Catholic.
Kingsley Amis
Religion
+The only thing that stops God from sending
0another flood is that the first one was useless.
Nicolas ChamfortE 1741-1794
Religion
!The world is proof that God is a
committee.
Bob Stokes
Religion
/God is dead, but fifty thousand social workers
have risen to take his place.
J.D. McCoughey
Religion
4Which is it, is man one of God's blunders or is God
one of man's?
Friedrich Wilhelm NietzscheE 1844-1900
ReligionB!Nietzsche was stupid and abnormalC
Leo TolstoyE 1828-1910
Religion
-Millions long for immortality who don't know
'what to do on a rainy Sunday afternoon.
Susan Erts
Religion
#A pious man is one who would be an
atheist if the king were.
Jean de La Bruye`reE 1645-1696
Religion
)I detest converts almost as much as I do
missionaries.
H.L. MenckenE 1880-1956
Religion
2Most of my friends are not Christians, but I have
*some who are Anglicans or Roman Catholics.
Dame Rose MacaulayE 1881-1958
Religion
1Promise me that if you become a Christian you'll
become a Presbyterian.
Lord BeaverbrookE 1879-1964
Religion
/The history of saints is mainly the history of
insane people.
Benito MussoliniE 1883-1945
Religion
,In Burbank there's a drive-in church called
.Jack-in-the-Pew. You shout your sins into the
face of a plastic priest.
Johnny Carson
Religion
/When I was a kid in the ghetto, a gang started
.going around harassing people, so some of the
/toughest kids formed a gang call the Sharks to
)stop them. The other gang was called The
Jehovah's Witnesses.
Charles Kosar
Religion
'Unless you hate your father and mother
'and wife and brothers and sisters and,
)yes, even your own life, you can't be my
disciple.
Jesus ChristE
ReligionB
Jesus was a crackpot.C
Bhagwan Shree Rajneesh
ReligionB
Let Bhagwans be Bhagwans.C
Washington Post
Religion
3Jesus died too soon. If he had lived to my age he
#would have repudiated his doctrine.
Friedrich Wilhelm NietzscheE 1844-1900
ReligionB2I'm not going to climb into the ring with Tolstoy.C
Ernest HemingwayE 1898-1961
ReligionB
Hemingway was a jerk.C
Harold Robbins
Rules
/The important thing in acting is to be able to
3laugh and cry. If I have to cry, I think of my sex
1life. If I have to laugh, I think of my sex life.
Glenda Jackson
Rules
.There are more bores around than when I was a
Fred AllenE 1894-1956
Rules
2I've tried relaxing, but-I don't know-I feel more
comfortable tense.
Hamilton cartoon
Rules
!What to do in case of emergency:
1. Pick up your hat.
2. Grab your coat.
* 3. Leave your worries on the doorstep.
0 4. Direct your feet to the sunny side of the
street.
Unknown
Rules
/Nolan Ryan is pitching much better now that he
$had his curve ball straightened out.
Joe Garagiola
Rules
*In many ways the saying "Know Thyself" is
%lacking. Better to know other people.
MenanderE
342?-292? BC
RulesB!Only the shallow know themselves.C
Oscar WildeE 1854-1900
Rules
'We all have the strength to endure the
misfortunes of others.
La RochefoucauldE 1613-1680
Rules
0There is no sweeter sound than the crumbling of
one's fellow man.
Groucho MarxE 1890-1977
RulesB-It takes a great man to make a good listener.C
Arthur HelpsE 1813-1875
Rules
0In this business you either sink or swim or you
don't.
David Snell
Rules
/I don't have a photograph, but you can have my
)footprints. They're upstairs in my socks.
Groucho MarxE 1890-1977
Rules
0I've always been interested in people, but I've
never liked them.
W. Somerset MaughamE 1874-1965
RulesB"There's a deception to every rule.C
Hal Lee Luyah
RussiaBIThe top TV shows in Russia are "Bowling for Food" and "Wheel of Torture."C
Yakov Smirnoff
RussiaBUThe Russians love Brooke Shields because her eyebrows remind them of Leonid Brezhnev.C
Robin Williams
Sanity
=B^To disagree with three-fourths of the British public is one of the first requisites of sanity.C
Oscar WildeE 1854-1900
Santa ClausBTRoses are reddish
Violets are bluish
If it weren't for Christmas
We'd all be Jewish.C
Benny Hill
Santa ClausB}I stopped believing in Santa Claus when my mother took me to see him in a department store, and he asked me for my autograph.C
Shirley Temple
Santa Claus
The three stages of a man's life:
1. He believes in Santa Claus
2. He doesn't believe in Santa Claus
3. He is Santa ClausC
Unknown
Santa ClausB9Santa Claus has the right idea: Visit people once a year.C
Victor Borge
Santa Claus
A;Thanksgiving comes after Christmas for people over thirty.
Peter Kreeft
Santa ClausB2Christmas is Christ's revenge for the crucifixion.C
Unknown
Schools
3Political history is far too criminal a subject to
!be a fit thing to teach children.
W.H. AudenE 1907-1973
SchoolsB'I think the world is run by C students.C
Al McGuire
Schools
,Smartness runs in my family. When I went to
+school I was so smart my teacher was in my
class for five years.
George Burns
Schools
4You can't expect a boy to be vicious till he's been
to a good school.
H.H. Munro (Saki)E 1870-1916
Schools
0I was thrown out of college for cheating on the
0metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the
boy next to me.
Woody Allen
Science
/Life is extinct on other planets because their
(scientists were more advanced than ours.
Unknown
ScienceB.A stitch in time would have confused Einstein.C
Unknown
Science
2Great moments in science: Einstein discovers that
time is actually money.
Gary Larson cartoon
Science
3Technological progress is like an axe in the hands
of a pathological criminal.
Albert EinsteinE 1879-1955
Science
2Technology is a way of organizing the universe so
'that man doesn't have to experience it.
Max Frisch
Science
+Horsepower was a wonderful thing when only
horses had it.
Unknown
ScienceB)Men have become the tools of their tools.C
Henry David ThoreauE 1817-1862
Science
,The computer is down. I hope it's something
serious.
Stanton Delaplane
Science
1Rivers are so polluted that acid rain makes them
cleaner.
Andrew Malcolm
Science
1A two pound turkey and a fifty-pound cranberry -
0that's Thanksgiving dinner at Three-Mile Island.
Johnny Carson
Science
4The scientific theory I like best is that the rings
0of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline
luggage.
Mark Russell
Science
.Energy experts have announced the development
1of a new fuel made from human brain tissue. It's
call assohol.
George Carlin
Self-Abuse
1What I like about masturbation is that you don't
have to talk afterwards.
Milos Forman
Self-Abuse
2If sex is so personal, why do we have to share it
with someone?
Unknown
Self-Abuse
3Enjoy yourself. If you can't enjoy yourself, enjoy
somebody else.
Jack Schaefer
Self-Abuse
1The only reason I feel guilty about masturbation
is that I do it so badly.
David Steinberg
Self-Abuse
2Philip Roth is a good writer, but I wouldn't want
to shake hands with him.
Jacqueline SusannE 1921-1974
Self-abuse
3If only it was as easy to banish hunger by rubbing
!the belly as it is to masturbate.
Diogenes the CynicE
412?-323 BC
Self-abuse
[B1Self-abuse is the most certain road to the grave.C
Dr. George M. CalhounE
c 1985
Self-abuse
/Many mothers are wholly ignorant of the almost
(universal prevalence of secret vice, or
1self-abuse, among the young. Why hesitate to say
/firmly and without quibble that personal abuse
,lies at the root of much of the feebleness,
0paleness, nervousness, and good-for-nothingness
of the entire community?
Dr. J.H. KelloggE 1852-1943
Self-abuse
]B-Masturbation! The amazing availability of it!C
James JoyceE 1882-1941
Self-abuse
0Philosophy is to the real world as masturbation
is to sex.
C Karl MarxE 1818-1883
Self-abuseB
I was the best I ever had.C
Woody Allen
Self-abuse
.The good thing about masturbation is that you
don't have to dress up for it.
Truman CapoteE 1924-1984
Self-abuseB%My brain is my second favorite organ.C
Woody Allen
bA Self-Love
0To love oneself is the beginning of a life-long
romance.
Oscar WildeE 1854-1900
cA Self-LoveB/Like all self-made men he worships his creator.C
Unknown
dA Self-Love
/Egotist: A person...more interested in himself
than in me.
Ambrose BierceE 1842-1914
eA Self-LoveB'Don't be humble. You're not that great.C
Golda MeirE 1989-1978
fA Self-love
-The last time I saw him, he was walking down
"Lover's Lane holding his own hand.
Fred Allen
fE 1894-1956
gA Self-love
1The nice thing about egotists is that they don't
talk about other people.
Lucille S. Harper
hA Self-love
/It is far more impressive when others discover
&your good qualities without your help.
Miss Manners (Judith Martin)
iA Self-love
1In an age when the fashion is to be in love with
1yourself, confessing to be in love with somebody
/else is an admission of unfaithfulness to one'
beloved.
Russell Baker
/If men could get pregnant, abortion would be a
sacrament.
Florynce Kennedy
Familiarity breeds attempt.C
Goodman AceE 1899-1982
-Sex drive: A physical craving that begins in
!adolescence and ends in marriage.
Robert Byrne
SexB1Sex is the most fun you can have without smiling.C
Unknown
.I would rather go to bed with Lillian Russell
3stark naked than Ulysses S. Grant in full military
regalia.
Mark TwainE 1835-1910
3Last time I tried to make love to my wife, nothing
3was happening so I said to her "What's the matter,
#you can't think of anybody either?"
Rodney Dangerfield
4If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life
at all.
Rodney Dangerfield
)I've tried several varieties of sex. The
.conventional position makes me claustrophobic
/and the others give me a stiff neck or lockjaw.
Tallulah BankheadE 1903-1968
,A woman occasionally is quite a serviceable
substitute for masturbation.
Karl KrausE 1874-1936
1Sex is nobody's business except the three people
involved.
Unknown
SexB+What men desire is a virgin who is a whore.C
Edward DahlbergE 1900-1977
2The orgasm has replaced the Cross as the focus of
%longing and the image of fulfillment.
Malcolm Muggeridge
4All this fuss about sleeping together. For physical
-pleasure I'd sooner go to my dentist any day.
Evelyn WaughE 1903-1966
.What a man enjoys about a woman's clothes are
,his fantasies of how she would look without
them.
Brendan Francis
SexB,Women who miscalculate are called "mothers."C
Abigail Van Buren
SexB2Nothing is so much to be shunned as sex relations.
St. AugustineE
354-430
+I kissed my first girl and smoked my first
2cigarette on the same day. I haven't had time for
tobacco since.
Arturo ToscaniniE 1867-1957
SexB/The only really indecent people are the chaste.C
J.K. HuysmansE 1848-1907
/For the preservation of chastity, an empty and
'rumbling stomach and fevered lungs are
indispensable.
St. JeromeE
340?-420
,I hate women because they always know where
things are.
James ThurberE 1894-1961
SexB'Sex is the biggest nothing of all time.C
Andy WarholE 1928-1987
0Outside every thin woman is a fat man trying to
get in.
Katherine Whitehorn
SexB+Sex is natural, but not if it's done right.C
Unknown
SexB1Sex is good, but not as good as fresh sweet corn.C
Garrison Keillor
0There is hardly anyone whose sexual life, if it
.were broadcast, would fill the world at large
with surprise and horror.
W. Somerset MaughamE 1874-1965
1There is nothing a young man can get by wenching
!but duels, the clap, and bastards
Kathleen Winsor
-It is more fun contemplating somebody else's
navel than your own.
Arthur Hoppe
0Of all the sexual aberrations, perhaps the most
peculiar is chastity.
Remy de GourmontE 1858-1915
0We may eventually come to realize that chastity
'is no more a virtual than malnutrition.
Alex Comfort
0I used to be a virgin, but I gave it up because
there was no money in it.
Marsha Warfield
SexB-A terrible thing happened last night-nothing.C
Phyllis Diller
Celibacy is not hereditary.C Guy Goden
2Kissing is a means of getting two people so close
1together that they can't see anything wrong with
each other.
Yasenek
SexB"Oh, what lies there are in kisses!C
Heinrich HeineE 1797-1856
.Whenever I'm caught between two evils, I take
the one I've never tried.
Mae WestE 1892-1980
SexB$It is better to copulate than never.C
Robert Heinlein
+Vasectomy means never having to say you're
sorry.
Unknown
+Last night I discovered a new form of oral
3contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me
and she said no.
Woody Allen
0I told my girl friend that unless she expressed
3her feelings and told me what she liked I wouldn't
1be able to please her, so she said, "Get off me."
Garry Shandling
*She was so wild that when she made French
0toast, she got her tongue caught in the toaster.
Rodney Dangerfield
.I'm too shy to express my sexual needs except
&over the phone to people I don't know.
Garry Shandling
Sex Appeal - Give GenerouslyC
Bumper sticker
2How did sex come to be thought of as dirty in the
-first place? God must have been a Republican.
Will Durst
&Before we make love, my husband takes
a pain killer.
Joan Rivers
.My wife was in labor with our first child for
/thirty-two hours and I was faithful to her the
whole time.
Jonathan Katz
.My wife has cut our lovemaking down to once a
2month, but I know two guys she's cut out entirely.
Rodney Dangerfield
SexB Chains required, whips optional.C
Unknown
/The fantasy of every Australian man is to have
+two women - one cleaning the other dusting.
Maureen Murphy
SexB*Sex Manual Title: Ouch! You're on My Hair!C
Richard Lewis
/The difference between pornography and erotica
is lighting.
Gloria Leonard
-If homosexuality were normal, God would have
created Adam and Bruce.
Anita Bryant
Rub-a-dub-dub
Three men in a tub
And that's on a slow night.
San Francisco Bath House
Unknown
SexB#Never play leapfrog with a unicorn.C
Unknown
1Get in good physical condition before submitting
)to bondage. You should be fit to be tied.
Robert Byrne
'I caused my husband's heart attack. In
$the middle of lovemaking I took the
&paper bag off my head. He dropped the
(Polaroid and keeled over and so the the
&hooker. I would have taken me half an
"hour to untie myself and call the
¶medics, but fortunately the Great
Dane could dial.
Joan Rivers
1A British mother's advice to her daughter on how
3to survive the wedding night: "Close your eyes and
think of England."
Pierre Daninos
$I have so little sex appeal that my
gynecologist call me "sir."
Joan Rivers
*What men call gallantry and gods adultery
/Is much more common where the climate's sultry.
Lord ByronE 1788-1824
SexB%Of all the tame beasts, I hate sluts.C
John RayE 1627-1705
SexB'Sex is dirty only when it's done right.C
Unknown
1For flavor, instant sex will never supersede the
stuff you have to peel and cook.
Quentin Crisp
/Why don't you let me kiss you goodnight? Is it
something I said?
Tom Ryan
SexB3Give a man free hand and he'll run it all over you.C
Mae WestE 1892-1980
SexB%I've been in more laps than a napkin.C
Mae WestE 1892-1980
SexB'I used to be Snow White, but I drifted.C
Mae WestE 1892-1980
SexB He who hesitates is a damn fool.C
Mae WestE 1892-1980
.I wasn't kissing her, I was whispering in her
mouth.
Chico MarxE 1891-1961
'Contraceptives should be used on every
conceivable occasion.
The Last Goon Show of All
0Bisexually immediately doubles your chances for
a date on Saturday night.
Woody Allen
SexB,What do hookers do on their night off, type?C
Elayne Boosler
.I have perfumed my bed with myrrh, aloes, and
3cinnamon. Come, let us take our fill of love until
the morning.
Proverbs 7:17-18
SexB!All the men on my staff can type.
Bella Abzug
3The perfect lover is one who turns into a pizza at
4:00 A.M.
Charles Pierce
1If God had meant us to have group sex, he'd have
given us more organs.
Malcolm Bradbury
1It's been so long since I made love I can't even
remember who gets tied up.
Joan Rivers
Ouch! That felt good!C
Karen Elizabeth Gordon
1I never expected to see the day when girls would
&get sunburned in places they do today.
Will RogersE 1879-1935
-The first time we slept together she drove a
&recreational vehicle into the bedroom.
Richard Lewis
3A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if
*a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes
she's a tramp.
Joan Rivers
+What do you give a man who has everything?
Penicillin.
Jerry Lester
/Some men are so macho they'll get you pregnant
just to kill a rabbit.
Maureen Murphy
Chaste makes waste.C
Unknown
,The trouble with incest is that it gets you
involved with relatives.
George S. KaufmanE 1889-1961
0After we made love he took a piece of chalk and
made an outline of my body.
Joan Rivers
3It's easy to make a friend. What's hard is to make
a stranger.
Unknown
/The reason people sweat is so they won't catch
fire when making love.
Don Rose
3He's such a hick he doesn't even have a trapeze in
his bedroom.
Unknown
.I'm against group sex because I wouldn't know
where to put my elbows.
Martin Cruz Smith
SexB5Is sex better than drugs? That depends on the pusher.C
Unknown
SexB+For birth control I rely on my personality.C Milt Abel
BVCondoms aren't completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.C Bob Rubin
When the clerk tried to sell me condoms that were made of sheep intestines because they have a more natural feel, I said, "Not for northern women."C
Elayne Boosler
SexBeSome condoms are made of sheep intestines, but I was so scared the first time I wore the whole sheep.C
Danny Williams
BeSome condom packages are stamped "Reservoir." You mean those things can generate hydroelectric power.C
Elayne Boosler
SexBRNational Condom Week is coming soon. Hey, there's a parade you won't want to miss.C
Jay Leno
SexBqI don't even masturbate anymore, I'm so afraid I'll give myself something. I just want to be friends with myself.C
Richard Lewis
SexBMThe advantage of masturbation over intercourse is that it's less competitive.C
Robert Byrne
B>Before sleeping together today, people should boil themselves.C
Richard Lewis
SexB=Mr. Right is now a guy who hasn't been laid in fifteen years.C
Elayne Boosler
SexB<My wife and I don't have mutual orgasms. We have State Farm.C
Milton Berle
SexB1Erogenous zones are either everywhere or nowhere.C
Joseph Heller
SexB-During sex I fantasize that I'm someone else.C
Richard Lewis
SexBCI don't mind sleeping on an empty stomach provided it isn't my own.
Philip J. Simborg
SexBTThe difference between sex and love is that sex relieves tension and love causes it.C
Woody Allen
SexBII always thought of you as, at best, asexual, but maybe I was being kind.C
"Slap Maxwell"
SexB[The late porn star Johnny Wadd claimed to have been laid 14,000 times. He died of friction.C
Larry Brown
SexBdI'm not kinky, but occasionally I like to put on a robe and stand in front of a tennis ball machine.C
Garry Shandling
BSKinky sex involves the use of duck feathers. Perverted sex involved the whole duck.C
Lewis Grizzard
SexB)One figure can sometimes add up to a lot.C
Mae WestE 1892-1980
SexB1I wouldn't let him touch me with a ten-foot pole.C
Mae WestE 1892-1980
SexB*Mae West had a voice like a vibrating bed.C
John Kobal
SexB=It's okay to laugh in the bedroom so long as you don't point.C
Will Durst
Sex is a powerful aphrodisiac.C
Keith Waterhouse
B,What do I know about sex? I'm a married man.C
Tom Clancy
SexB_Some are born to greatness, some achieve greatness, and some have greatness thrust within them.C
Hal Lee Luyah
SexB}Warning signs that your lover is bored:
1. Passionless kisses
2. Frequent sighing
3. Moved, left no forwarding address.C
Matt Groening
SexB`I once made love for an hour and fifteen minutes, but it was the night the clocks are set ahead.C
Garry Shandling
In the old days, women wore so many girdles, corsets, pantaloons, bloomers, stockings, garters, step-ins and God knows what all that you had to practically be a prospector to get to first base ... to even findB
first base.
Danny McGoortyE 1901-1970
SexB\It is a gentleman's first duty to remember in the morning who it is he took to bed with him.C
Dorothy L. Sayers
E 1893-1957
SexBZ[From a novel] I would never go to bed with a man who had so little regard for my husband.C
Dan Greenburg
SexBrOysters are supposed to enhance your sexual performance, but they don't work for me. Maybe I put them on too soon.C
Garry Shandling
My wife gives good headache.C
Rodney Dangerfield
SexB1Oral sex is like being attacked by a giant snail.C
Germaine Greer
BtOnce while we were making love, a curious optical illusion occurred, and it almost looked as though she were moving.C
Woody Allen
SexB5He gave her a look you could have poured on a waffle.C
Ring LardnerE 1885-1933
SexBaIn breeding cattle you need one bull for every twenty-five cows, unless the cows are known sluts.C
Johnny Carson
SexByAfter making love I said to my girl, "Was it good for you, too?" And she said, "I don't think this was good for anybody."C
Garry Shandling
SexB=In sex as in banking there is a penalty for early withdrawal.C
Cynthia Nelms
SexBBThe mirror over my bed reads: Objects appear larger than they are.C
Garry Shandling
SexBEI was a virgin till I was twenty, then again till I was twenty-three.C
Carrie Snow
SexB&Losing my virginity was a career move.C
Madonna
SexBkSex after ninety is like trying to shoot pool with a rope. Even putting my cigar in its holder is a thrill.C
George Burns
B"Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.C
Sigmund FreudE 1856-1939
Show Business
*You can make a killing as a playwright in
%America, but you can't make a living.
Sherwood AndersonE 1876-1941
Show Business
1All playwrights should be dead for three hundred
years.
Joseph L. Mankiewicz
Show Business
,Actresses will happen in the best regulated
families.
Oliver HerfordE 1863-1935
Show Business
5My tears stuck in their little ducts, refusing to be
jerked.
[Movie Review]
Peter Stack
Show Business
/His performance is so wooden you want to spray
him with Liquid Pledge.
[Movie Review]
John Stark
Show Business
0Working in the theatre has a lot in common with
unemployment.
Arthur Gingold
Show Business
1Only in show business could a guy with a C-minus
&average be considered an intellectual.
C Mort Sahl
Show BusinessB2I don't want to see the uncut version of anything.C Jean Kerr
Show Business
4It's always easier to see a show you don't like the
)second time because you know how it ends.
Walter SlezakE 1902-1983
Show BusinessB!Hell is a half-filled auditorium.C
Robert FrostE 1874-1963
Show Business
.A critic is a man who knows the way but can't
drive the car.
Kenneth TynanE 1927-1980
Show Business
0Hollywood is a place where they place you under
&contract instead of under observation.
Walter WinchellE 1897-1972
Show Business
.The Hollywood tradition I like best is called
"sucking up to the stars."
Johnny Carson
Show Business
"Hello," he lied.
[Quoting a Hollywood agent]
Don Carpenter
Show Business
)An associate producer is the only guy in
-Hollywood who will associate with a producer.
Fred Allen
E 1894-1956
Show Business
3The dead actor requested in his will that his body
0be cremated and ten percent of his ashes thrown
in his agent's face.
Unknown
Show Business
1If you want to make it in show business, get the
hell out of Oregon.
Sophie TuckerE 1884-1966
Smoking
.A custom loathsome to the eye, hateful to the
-nose, harmful to the brain, dangerous to the
1lungs, and in the black, stinking fumes thereof,
1nearest resembling the horrible Stygian smoke of
the pit that is bottomless.
King JamesE
c 1604
Song Titles
I'm So Miserable Without You
!It's Almost Like Having You Here.
Stephen Bishop
Song TitlesB&She Got the Gold Mine, I Got the ShaftC
Jerry Reed
Song Titles
.When My Love Comes Back from the Ladies' Room
Will I Be Too Old to Care?
Lewis Grizzard
Song Titles
*I Don't Know Whether to Kill Myself or Go
Bowling.
Unknown
Song Titles
&Why won't you lemme feelya, Celcilia?
'I got two winnin' hands I wanna dealya.
Robert Byrne
Song TitlesBDI Can't Get Over a Man Like You, So You'll Have to Answer the Phone.C
Melody Anne
Song TitlesB>You're the Only Thing That's Rising in the Sour Dough of Life.C
Maxine Edwards
Song TitlesB9If I Had to Do It All Over Again, I'd Do It All Over You.C
Abe BurrowsE 1910-1985
Song Titles
B.I Gave Her a Ring, and She Gave Me the Finger.C
Unknown
SportsB0Show me a good loser and I'll show you an idiot.C
Leo Durocher
Sports
3Try to hate your opponent. Even if you are playing
4your grandmother, try to beat her fifty to nothing.
3If she already has three, try to beat her fifty to
three.
Danny McGoortyE 1901-1970
Sports
4I probably couldn't play for me. I wouldn't like my
attitude.
John Thompson
Sports
-A team should be an extension of the coach's
(personality. My teams were arrogant and
obnoxious.
Al McGuire
SportsB)My toughest fight was with my first wife.C
Muhammad Ali
SportsB
Hurting people is my business.C
Sugar Ray Robinson
Sports
/Football players, like prostitutes, are in the
2business of ruining their bodies for the pleasure
of strangers.
Merle Kessler
Sports
,I'm no different from anybody else with two
+arms, two legs, and forty-two-hundred hits.
C Pete Rose
Sports
$The highlight of my baseball career
#came in Philadelphia's Connie Mack
%Stadium when I saw a fan fall out of
#the upper deck. When he got up and
walked away, the crowd booed.
Bob Uecker
Sports
1One night we play like King Kong, the next night
like Fay Wray.
Terry Kennedy
Sports
2If I ever needed a brain transplant, I'd choose a
/sportswriter because I'd want a brain that had
never been used.
Norm Van BrocklinE 1926-1983
SportsB0Golf is a game with the soul of a 1956 Rotarian.C
Bill Mandel
Sports
1Golf is the most fun you can have without taking
your clothes off.
Chi Chi Rodrigues
Sports
3The Rose Bowl is the only bowl I've ever seen that
I didn't have to clean.
Erma Bombeck
Sports
3I hate all sports as rabidly as a person who likes
sports hates common sense.
H.L. MenckenE 1880-1956
Sports
1Running is an unnatural act, except from enemies
and to the bathroom.
Unknown
Sports
3I believe that professional wrestling is clean and
&everything else in the world is fixed.
Frank Deford
Sports
/I always turn to the sports pages first, which
0record people's accomplishments. The front page
has nothing but man's failures.
Chief Justice Earl Warren
E 1891-1974
Sports
2I was not successful as a ballplayer, as it was a
game of skill.
Casey StengelE 1891-1975
Sports
-It matters not whether you win or lose; what
!matters is whether I win or lose.
Darin Weinberg
Sports
,Very few blacks will take up golf until the
'requirement for plaid pants is dropped.
Franklyn Ajaye
SportsB!Most weightlifters are biceptual.C
John Rostoni
Sports
B)I never met a man I didn't want to fight.C
Lyle Alzado
SportsB
When I played pro football, I never set out to hurt anybody deliberately ... unless it was, you know, important, like a league game or something.C
Dick Butkus
SportsB:Baseball is what we were, football is what we have become.C
Mary McGrory
SportsB)Go Braves! And take the Falcons with you.C
Bumper sticker
Sports
$BrCal quarterback Joe Kapp used to call audibles that were just obscenities directed at the other team. I like that.C
Greg Ennis
SportsBZBaseball would be a better game if more third basemen got hit in the mouth by line drives.C
Dan Jenkins
SportsBUGeorge Steinbrenner is the salt of the earth, and the Yankee players are open wounds.C
Scott Osler
SportsBQI'm not going to buy my kids an encyclopedia. Let them walk to school like I did.C
Not Yogi Berra
Sports
Pro basketball has turned into Wrestlemania, which is why I like college basketball and high school basketball. Actually, it's why I like baseball.C
Frank Layden
SportsBGI bet on a horse at ten to one. It didn't come in until half-past five.C
Henny Youngman
SportsB%A good sport has to lose to prove it.C
Unknown
SportsB+When I feel athletic, I go to a sports bar.C
Paul Clisura
Stardom
1If you become a star, you don't change, everyone
else does.
Kirk Douglas
Stardom
2I'm not a real movie star-I've still got the same
/wife I started out with twenty-eight years ago.
Will RogersE 1879-1935
Stardom
/Fame lost its appeal for me when I went into a
/public restroom and an autograph seeker handed
(me a pen and paper under the stall door.
Marlo Thomas
Stardom
3If I had done everything I'm credited with, I'd be
1speaking to you from a laboratory jar at Harvard.
Frank Sinatra
Stardom
#AS USUAL, YOUR INFORMATION STINKS.
[Telegram to TIME magazine]
Frank Sinatra
StardomB!I am a deeply superficial person.C
Andy WarholE 1928-1987
Stardom
3I have bursts of being a lady, but it doesn't last
long.
Shelley Winters
Stardom
/Working with Julie Andrews is like getting hit
over the head with a valentine.
Christopher Plummer
Stardom
-I should have been a country-western singer.
1After all, I'm older than most western countries.
George Burns
Success
3Never face facts; if you do you'll never get up in
the morning.
Marlo Thomas
SuccessB0Nothing succeeds like the appearance of success.C
Christopher Lasch
Success
1She's the kind of girl who climbed the ladder of
success wrong by wrong.
Mae WestE 1892-1980
SuccessB
Nothing fails like success.C
Gerald Nachman
Success
1Anyone seen on a bus after the age of thirty has
been a failure in life.
Loelia, Duchess of
Westminster
Success
To err is human
And stupid.
Robert Byrne
Success
You may already be a loser.
[Form letter]
Rodney Dangerfield
SuccessB1Success isn't permanent, and failure isn't fatal.C
Mike Ditka
SuccessB/Success have many fathers, failure is a mother.C
Jeanne Phillips
Success
>BIThe worst part of success is trying to find someone who is happy for you.C
Bette Midler
SuccessB?Success is women you don't even know walking around your house.C
"Saturday Night Live"
SuccessBCIf at first you don't succeed, find out if the loser gets anything.C Bill Lyon
SuccessB5Success in life means not becoming like your parents.C
Louise Bowie
SuccessB0To make a small fortune, invest a large fortune.C
Bruce Cohn
SuccessB"Rise early. Work late. Strike oil.
J. Paul GettyE 1892-1976
SuccessBIThe penalty of success is to be bored by the people who used to snub you.C
Nancy, Lady AstorE 1879-1964
Television
2The human race is faced with a cruel choice: work
or daytime television.
Unknown
TelevisionB(Television is democracy at it's ugliest.C
Paddy ChayevskyE 1923-1982
Television
1Television enables you to be entertained in your
-home by people you wouldn't have in you home.
David Frost
TelevisionB.Imitation is the sincerest form of television.C
Fred AllenE 1894-1956
Television
-Never miss a chance to have sex of appear on
television.
Gore Vidal
Television
2The cable sex channels don't expand our horizons,
/don't make us better people, and don't come in
clearly enough.
Bill Maher
Television
*Babies on television never spit up on the
Ultrasuede.
Erma Bombeck
Television
/Television has proved that people will look at
anything rather than each other.
Ann Landers
Television
2Television is more interesting than people. If it
/were not, we would have people standing in the
corners of our rooms.
Alan Cross
Television
-Television is a medium because anything well
done is rare.
Fred AllenE 1894-1956
Television
When you watch television, you never see people watching television. We love television because it brings us a world in which television does not exist.C
Barbara Ehrenreich
TelevisionBUHear no evil, speak no evil, see no evil, and you'll never be a television anchorman.C
Dan Rather
TelevisionBbImagine what it would be like if TV actually were good. It would be the end of everything we know.C
Marvin Minsky
Theology
/My theology, briefly, is that the universe was
dictated but not signed.
Christopher MorleyE 1890-1957
Theology
,God made everything out of nothing, but the
nothingness shows through.
Paul Val
ryE 1871-1945
Theology
1God was satisfied with his own work, and that is
fatal.
Samuel ButlerE 1835-1902
Theology
2God is not dead but alive and well and working on
a much less ambitious project.
Graffito
Theology
-Why attack God? He may be as miserable as we
Erik SatieE 1866-1925
Theology
,Every day people are straying away from the
church and going back to God.
Lenny BruceE 1923-1966
Theology
/Religion is what keeps the poor from murdering
the rich.
Napoleon BonaparteE 1769-1821
TheologyB'What if there had been room at the inn?C
Linda Festa
Theology
+Christ died for our sins. Dare we make his
-martyrdom meaningless by not committing them?
Jules Feiffer
Theology
/Catholicism has changed tremendously in recent
-years. Now when communion is served there is
also a salad bar.
Bill Maher
TheologyB*Faith is believing what you know ain't so.C
Mark TwainE 1835-1910
TheologyB
Faith is under the left nipple.C
Martin LutherE 1483-1546
Theology
.Because I'm Jewish, a lot of people ask why I
3killed Christ. What can I say? It was an accident.
4It was one of those parties that got out of hand. I
/killed him because he wouldn't become a doctor.
Lenny BruceE 1923-1966
Theology
1Our chances of getting hit by lightning go up if
4you stand under a tree, shake your fist at the sky,
and say, "Storms suck!"
Johnny Carson
TheologyB#Trust in Allah, but tie your camel.C
Arabian Proverb
Travel
,I never travel without my diary. One should
*always have something sensational to read.
Oscar WildeE 1854-1900
Travel
/The Irish are a fair people - they never speak
well of one another.
Samuel JohnsonE 1709-1784
Travel
.There are still parts of Wales where the only
)concession to gaiety is a striped shroud.
Gwyn Thomas
Travel
%I don't have any idea what I'm doing
)here. I didn't even know Alaska Airlines
had a flight to Leningrad.
Bob and Ray
Travel
.In Italy a woman can have a face like a train
wreck if she's blonde.
Unknown
TravelB(If you are going to America, bring food.C
Fran Lebowitz
Travel
1California is a great place to live if you're an
orange.
Fred AllenE 1894-1956
Travel
1In California you lose a point off your IQ every
year.
Truman CapoteE 1924-1984
Travel
1Nothing is wrong with Southern California that a
&rise in the ocean level wouldn't cure.
Ross MacDonaldE 1915-1983
Travel
0There are two million interesting people in New
+York and only seventy-eight in Los Angeles.
Neil Simon
Travel
5It is true I was born in Iowa, but I can't speak for
my twin sister.
Abigail Van Buren
TravelB,Parts of Texas look like Kansas with goiter.C
Unknown
Travel
1I have just returned from Boston. It is the only
'thing to do if you find yourself there.
Fred AllenE 1894-1956
Travel
/Thanks to the Interstate Highway System, it is
+now possible to travel from coast to coast
without seeing anything.
Charles Kuralt
Travel
1One of the first things school children in Texas
/learn is how to compose a declarative sentence
without the word shit in it.
Unknown
Travel
1The town was so dull that when the tide went out
it refused to come back.
Fred AllenE 1984-1956
.What a beautiful fix we are in now; peace has
been declared.
Napoleon BonaparteE 1769-1821
2I thoroughly disapprove of duels. If a man should
*challenge me, I would take him kindly and
0forgivingly by the hand and lead him to a quiet
place and kill him.
Mark TwainE 1835-1910
3There is nothing more exhilarating than to be shot
at without result.
Winston ChurchillE 1874-1965
WarB0Nobody ever forgets where he buried the hatchet.C
Kin HubbardE 1868-1930
1Will the last person out of the tunnel turn out
the light?
Graffiti in SaigonE
2War is a series of catastrophes that results in a
victory.
Georges Clemen
eauE 1841-1929
.You can no more win a war than you can win an
earthquake.
Jeanette RankinE 1880-1973
.I'd like to see the government get out of war
0altogether and leave the whole field to private
industry.
Joseph Heller
1The object of war is not to die for your country
*but to make the other bastard die for his.
General George PattonE 1885-1945
,Name me an emperor who was ever struck by a
cannonball.
C Charles VE 1500-1558
1While you're saving your face you're losing your
President Lyndon JohnsonE 1908-1973
4You can't say civilization don't advance...in every
war they kill you a new way.
Will RogersE 1879-1935
2I have already given two cousins to the war and I
+stand ready to sacrifice my wife's brother.
Artemus WardE 1834-1867
/Join the army, see the world, meet interesting
people, and kill them.
Unknown
3Being in the army is like being in the Boy Scouts,
&except that the Boy Scouts have adult
supervision.
Blake Clark
.The Israelis are the Doberman pinscher of the
/Middle East. They treat the Arabs like postmen.
Franklyn Ajaye
WarB(Old soldiers never die, just young ones.C
Graffito
WarB(War is the unfolding of miscalculations.C
Barbara TuchmanE 1912-1989
Bm[After losing two cities to atom bombs] The war situation has developed not necessarily to Japan's advantage.C
Emperor HirohitoE 1901-1989
Violence never solved anything.C
Genghis KhanE 1162-1227
WarBzA doctor could make a million dollars if he could figure out a way to bring a boy into the world without a trigger finger.C
Arthur Asher Miller
Women
3Of all the wild beasts of land or sea, the wildest
is woman.
MenanderE
342?-292? BC
Women
B#A woman is always buying something.C
OvidE
43? BC-18 AD
Women
+Nothing is more intolerable than a wealthy
woman.
JuvenalE
60-140
Women
0A woman talks to one man, looks at a second and
thinks of a third.
BhartrihariE
WomenB
Woman was God's second mistake.C
Friedrich Wilhelm NietzscheE 1844-1900
Women
+Woman speak two languages, one of which is
verbal.
Steve Rubenstein
Women
)Women who seek to be equal with men lack
ambition.
Timothy Leary
Women
2Women are like elephants to me. I like to look at
%them, but I wouldn't want to own one.
W. C. FieldsE 1880-1946
Women
/Phyllis Schlafly speaks for all American women
'who oppose equal rights for themselves.
Andrew A. Rooney
WomenB%Housework can kill you if done right.C
Erma Bombeck
WomenB
What do women want? Shoes.C Mimi Pond
Women
0Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at
bowling alleys.
Al Clethen
Women
.Can you imagine a world without men? No crime
and lots of happy fat women.
Nicole Hollander
Women
,Veni, vidi, Visa. (We came, we saw, we went
shopping.)
Jan Barrett
Women
1Any girl can be glamorous; all you have to do is
stand still and look stupid.
Hedy Lamarr
Women
1If they could put one man on the moon, why can't
they put them all?
Unknown
Women
.Good breeding consists of concealing how much
1we think of ourselves and how little we think of
the other person.
Mark TwainE 1835-1910
Women
1Charm is a way of getting the answer yes without
asking a clear question.
Albert CamusE 1913-1960
WomenB+Good taste is the worst vice ever invented.C
Dame Edith SitwellE 1887-1964
Women
1We are all born charming, fresh, and spontaneous
+and must be civilized before we are fit to
participate in society.
Miss Manners (Judith Martin)
Women
1Being a woman is of special interest to aspiring
0male transsexuals. To actual women it is simply
#a good excuse not to play football.
Fran Lebowitz
Women
0My advice to the women's clubs of America is to
"raise more hell and fewer dahlias.
William Allen WhiteE 1868-1944
Women
,A lady is one who never shows her underwear
unintentionally.
Lillian Day
Women
,Anyone who says he can see through women is
missing a lot.
Groucho MarxE 1890-1977
Women
.The most popular labor-saving device today is
still a husband with money.
Joey Adams
WomenB1A gentleman never strikes a lady with his hat on.C
Fred AllenE 1894-1956
Women
2I've never struck a woman in my life, not even my
own mother.
W. C. FieldsE 1880-1946
WomenBsA woman who takes things from a man is called a girlfriend. A man who takes things from a woman is called a gigolo.C
Ruthie Stein
WomenBYThe major concrete achievement of the woman's movement of the 1970's was the Dutch treat.C
Nora Ephron
WomenBJMen should think twice before making widowhood women's only path to power.C
Gloria Steinem
Women
B\You make the beds, you do the dishes, and six months later you have to start all over again.C
Joan Rivers
WomenBeWomen have the feeling that since they didn't make the rules, the rules have nothing to do with them.C
Diane Johnson
WomenB(Women are cursed, and men are the proof.C
Roseanne Barr
WomenBHWhen a woman behaves like a man, why doesn't she behave like a nice man?C
Edith EvansE 1888-1976
Women
If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there are men on base.C
Dave Barry
WomenB;Women can do any job men can and give birth while doing it.C
Allan Heavey
WomenBlWomen complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month I can be myself.C
Roseanne Barr
WomenBCMy plastic surgeon told me my face looked like a bouquet of elbows.
Phyllis Diller
WomenB@She was so ugly she could make a mule back away from an oat bin.C
Will RogersE 1879-1935
)I like work; it fascinates me. I can sit
and look at it for hours.
Jerome K. JeromeE 1859-1927
WorkB
Work is for cowards.C
U.J. Puckett
WorkB/Always be smarter than the people who hire you.C
Lena Horne
(The volume of paper expands to fill the
available briefcases.
Jerry Brown
+Any new venture goes through the following
"stages: enthusiasm, complication,
(disillusionment, search for the guilty,
.punishment of the innocent, and decoration of
those who did nothing.
Unknown
1When I realized that what I had turned out to be
/was a lousy, two-bit pool hustler and drunk, I
.wasn't depressed at all. I was glad to have a
profession.
Danny McGoortyE 1901-1970
2The reason American cities are prosperous is that
there is no place to sit down.
Alfred J. Talley
'Gardner's Law: Eighty-seven percent of
"all people in all professions are
incompetent.
John Gardner
2It is time I stepped aside for a less experienced
and less able man.
Professor Scott Elledge
3Work is of two kinds: first, altering the position
2of matter at or near the earth's surface relative
4to other matter; second, telling other people to do
Bertrand RussellE 1872-1970
1All jobs should be open to everybody unless they
#actually require a penis or vagina.
Florynce Kennedy
1It is impossible to enjoy idling unless there is
plenty of work to do.
Jerome K. JeromeE 1859-1927
-Anybody who works is a fool. I don't work, I
$merely inflict myself on the public.
Robert Morley
1Hard work never killed anybody, but why take the
chance.
Edgar BergenE 1903-1978
2If you have a job without aggravations, you don't
have a job.
Malcolm Forbes
0People who work sitting down get paid more than
people who work standing up.
Ogden NashE 1902-1971
WorkB
Work is much more fun than fun.C
Noel CowardE 1899-1973
2The trouble with the rat race is that even if you
win you're still a rat.
Lily Tomlin
WorkBII've been promoted to middle management. I never thought I'd sink so low.C Tim Gould
WorkB*No man ever listened himself out of a job.C
Calvin CoolidgeE 1872-1933
WorkBZCanadians shouldn't come down to Southern California and take jobs away from our Mexicans.C
Stanley Ralph Ross
WorkBGThere ain't no rules around here! We're trying to accomplish something.
Thomas EdisonE 1847-1931
WorkB,A career is a job that has gone on too long.C
Jeff MacNelly
WorkB\I used to work at The International House of Pancakes. It was a dream, and I made it happen.C
Paula Poundstone
WorkBGTell your boss what you think of him, and the truth shall set you free.C
Unknown
Writers
Author's Prayer:
Out Father, which art in heaven
And has also written a book...
Unknown
Writers
3The only reason for being a professional writer is
that you can't help it.
Leo Rosten
Writers
.In Hollywood, writers are considered only the
first drafts of human beings
Frank Deford
Writers
*What an author likes to write most is his
!signature on the back of a check.
Brendan Francis
Writers
@$Very few things happen at the right
@(time and the rest do not happen at all.
@!The conscientious historian will
correct these defects.
C HerodotusE
484 BC-425 BC
WritersB4History will be kind to me for I intend to write it.C
Winston ChurchillE 1874-1965
Writers
/It is a mean thief or a successful author that
plunders the dead.
Austin O'MalleyE 1858-1932
Writers
3The best part of the fiction in many novels is the
0notice that the characters are purely imaginary.
Franklin P. AdamsE 1881-1960
Writers
@'A detective digs around in the garbage
@&of people's lives. A novelist invents
@%people and then digs around in their
garbage.
C Joe Gores
Writers
4Fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities. Truth
isn't.
Mark TwainE 1835-1910
WritersB
Truth is shorter than fiction.C
Irving Cohen
WritersB&The only good author is a dead author.C
Patrick O'Connor
WritersB&In six pages I can't even say "Hello."C
James Michener
Writers
/Copy from one, it's plagiarism; copy from two,
it's research.
Wilson MiznerE 1876-1933
WritersB2Originality is the art of concealing your sources.C
Unknown
Writers
+There are three rules for writing a novel.
)Unfortunately no one knows what they are.
W. Somerset
Maugham
E 1874-1965
Writers
3Get your facts first, then you can distort them as
you please.
Mark TwainE 1835-1910
Writers
%Why don't you write books people can
understand
James Joyce's wifeE 1882-1941
Writers
/Changing literary agents is like changing deck
chairs on the Titanic.
Unknown
Writers
/You can always tell book people. They are well
'dressed and their hair is really clean.
Constance Casey
Writers
,Teaching has ruined more American novelists
than drink.
Gore Vidal
Writers
0With the single exception of Homer, there is no
0eminent writer, not even Sir Walter Scott, whom
%I despise so entirely as Shakespeare.
George Bernard ShawE 1856-1950
Writers
1I feel very old sometimes...I carry on and would
1not like to die before having emptied a few more
.buckets of shit on the heads of my fellow men.
Gustave FlaubertE 1821-1880
Writers
@'To read your own poetry in public is a
kind of mental incest.
Brendan Behan's father
Writers
.Nobody ever committed suicide while reading a
/good book, but many have while trying to write
Robert Byrne
Writers
0All newspaper editorial writers ever do is come
1down from the hills after the battle is over and
shoot the wounded.
Unknown
Writers
1The difference between literature and journalism
3is that journalism is unreadable and literature is
not read.
Oscar Wilde
E 1854-1900
Writers
-Advertisements contain the only truths to be
relied on in a newspaper.
Thomas JeffersonE 1743-1826
Writers
+Never argue with people who buy ink by the
gallon.
Tommy Lasorda
Writers
2Some editors are failed writers, but so are most
writers.
T.S. EliotE 1888-1965
Writers
0Writers have two main problems. One is writer;s
1block, when the words won't come at all, and the
0other is logorrhea, when the words come so fast
/that they can hardly get to the wastebasket in
time.
Cecilia Bartholomew
Writers
3All of us learn to write in the second grade. Most
of us go on to greater things.
Bobby Knight
Writers
0When writers refer to themselves as "we" and to
*the reader as "you," it's two against one.
Judith Rascoe
Writers
,Most writers regard the truth as their most
,valuable possession, and therefore are most
economical in its use.
Mark TwainE 1835-1910
Writers
,Writing is turning one's worst moments into
money.
J.P. Donleavy
Writers
0Writing is the only profession in which one can
'make no money without being ridiculous.
Jules RenardE 1864-1910
Writers
-Writers should be read, but neither seen nor
heard.
Daphne Du Maurier
Writers
3If you can't annoy somebody, there is little point
in writing.
Kingsley Amis
Writers
/Unprovided with original learning, unformed in
1the habits of thinking, unskilled in the arts of
'composition, I resolve to write a book.
Edward GibbonE 1737-1794
Writers
4Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university
/stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't
1stifle enough of them. There's many a bestseller
1that could have been prevented by a good teacher.
Flannery O'ConnorE 1925-1964
Writers
-Great Moments in Literature: In 1936, Ernest
2Hemingway, while trout fishing, caught a carp and
decided not to write about it.
Guindon cartoon
WritersB
All writing is garbage.C
Antonio ArtaudE 1896-1948
Writers
1Novelists who go to psychiatrists are paying for
what they could be paid for.
Unknown
Writers
+Every author, however modest, keeps a most
/outrageous vanity chained like a madman in the
padded cell of his breast.
Logan Pearsall SmithE 1865-1946
Writers
2The trouble with our younger writers is that they
are all in their sixties.
W. Somerset MaughamE 1874-1965
Writers
,Authors are easy to get on with-if you like
children.
Michael JosephE 1897-1958
Writers
-I write fiction because it's a way of making
+statements I can disown, and I write plays
0because dialogue is the most respectable way of
contradicting myself.
Tom Stoppard
Writers
.An essayist is a lucky person who has found a
+way to discourse without being interrupted.
Charles Poore
Writers
4Writers aren't exactly people...they're a whole lot
"of people trying to be one person.
F. Scott FitzgeraldE 1896-1940
WritersB2An author's first duty is to let down his country.
Brendan BehanE 1923-1964
Writers
-Asking a working writer what he thinks about
0critics is like asking a lamp-post how it feels
about dogs.
Christopher Hampton
Writers
,I can't read ten pages of Steinbeck without
throwing up.
James Gould CozzensE 1903-1978
WritersB)A poem is never finished, only abandoned.C
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